but I don't want it to end...

in some strange way it seems to me that if I post something now, before tomorrow night, part of me will always be waiting for that last show. Earlier tonight I thought I’d actually be OK with this being the end, but lately I decided that it is definitely going to be rough afterall—devastating even. No more shows to look forward to with certainty. I need to keep reminding myself that the guys deserve to take a break, to be happy, and to do their own thing. I’m sure we will meet again some day. I have to think that.

Tonight was lovely by the way. I'm hoping tomorrow night will be spectactular.

another Christmas has passed...

Man, for some reason I am just rarely in the whole Christmas mood. It comes in spurts... all of the sudden I'll start singing a random Christmas carol in the kitchen or whatever, but that's about it. It's not like I want it to be that way. I sort of secretly want to be one of those people who is totally into Christmas, etc. just because they get so happy and into it and all, but I just can't dig up those sort of feelings.

Christmas this year was not much unlike Christmases of the past for me anyway. My mom insisted on buying me a bunch of stuff I'd never pick out for myself--her theme was pajamas this year. (I guess this is because of the whole in the butt of my favorite pajama pants... which by they way no one at the house told me about. I wonder how long it has been there.) So yeah... I got three pj sets more or less with christmas decorations on them. If you know me well (/live in the house) you know that I am often clad in pajama pants, and I just don't want to be wearing pj's with dalmations holding christmas presents on them in august. I don't know. I sound like an awful spoiled brat or something, but trust me... I don't like enjoy the whole process largely because it stresses my mom out since she always struggles with what to buy me. She does this thing--looks down and sort of does this odd smile/frown thing, and says, "yeah, I didn't think you'd really like them anyway. We can return them I guess." It just sucks.

So yeah... yesterday was pretty much a marathon shopping day. The highlites: I found a pretty sweet dress for dockstreet for $31 dollars. It was exciting. I will not go into how I feel about dockstreet quite yet. that will come. I also got a multitude of other things while shopping. Lately I have been using the word "multitude" a lot--just so you know.

I found this ironic:

at JC Penny, the sexy lingerie area is located right next to the maternity clothes area. ha... haha. I don't know... I thought it was pretty funny at the time.

high expectations

Man, you know it’s a good commercial when you see it, and you want to buy it even though you know from experience that it's just not that good. I was psyched about the Sonic Gingerbread Blast milkshake for days, and after my mom bought me one, I proclaimed my happiness, but after I had tried it, I found it did not live up to my high expectations. (so many commas.) my high expectations often mess up everything. I mean I know I should have high expectations for life and other random things sometimes, but it sucks when they’re just never met. I could go on about this for quite awhile and complain about my (lack of a) love life, but I will spare you.

let's talk about the weather--that's safe.

Everyone keeps saying that it's so cold here, but it's really not. I can go outside most of the time without a jacket (during the day), and it's been into the 50's and 60's. I guess it just seems warmer coming from Winston-Salem where I left behind freezing rain and wintry mixes.

been sitting around like a bum the last few days. I've been trying like mad to get a job. The manager at American Eagle actually recognizes me when I walk in now (I'm not sure if this is a good thing or not). Dad told me I had to be aggressive, so I've been trying. I still hadn't received any phone calls despite the promise from the woman at AE, so I went back today. After stopping in at a few stores I had applied to earlier, I was walking back out to my car when I decided to stop at one more place... Sam Goody. I chatted with the two women behind the counter only to later find out that one of them was the manager--which actually was perfect since I didn't really have the time to get nervous, and I was more myself up until then). Anyway, I filled out some forms, and she told me they'd have to do a background check on me, but she told me to fill out some W-4 forms (and that is a good sign) and to come back in a day or two and I could start working. So this is extremely good news. I don't know why I didn't stop in there before. I don't have to worry about wearing clothing the store sells every day since they don't sell clothes there, and there doesn't seem to be a real dress code, and they sell music and dvd's and stuff which is better than clothes anyday. Plus, they're right across from a coffee place. oh yes, this is going to be the beautiful start of something.

been getting darn sentimental lately thinking about the end of my favorite band, Jump, Little Children. No more stand-up shows. No more eagerly waiting for hours to see them. No more road trips. It's all just really sad. And I only just started to actually talk to the guys. (esp at the most recent show at NCSA--which I technically shouldn't have been allowed to see. I actually helped them unload their stuff though... it was great.) I know this is bad and may be unhealthy, but I really, really have enjoyed going to their shows. It has given me something to look forward to, and well after 12/30, there will be no more. I mean my favorite band isn't one of those that sells out amphitheatres and tours maybe once every three years. You actually get to talk to them, and you could reach out and touch them at shows if you wanted to b/c they're that close. plus, they're just so real. ok, I should stop now because you probably think I'm crazy.

Time to make some dinner para la familia.

detached.

Man, yesterday I was in a weird mood. I guess it was because I was sick, but I really can't blame it on meds since I didn't take any. I'm kind of against medication when it can be avoided. Actually, this dislike/fear of doctors and medicine has been in my family for a while. I recently found out that my great grandmother basically died because she refused to go to the doctor after chronic severe stomach problems, and then her spleen or something ruptured. (OK, that was a tangent, and it didn't really help my case at all.) Really though, I think my immune system is better because it actually gets to work out. Maybe my bizarre behavior yesterday was just my own immune system secreting something resembling medication that made me feel/act so weird.

I just literally didn't feel like doing anything, but it wasn't just slough because I didn't want to do nothing but I didn't want to do anything. (you might have to read that sentence a few times, but it really does make sense. I promise.) I didn't even want to sleep. That's how weird it was. I just literally didn't want to even be. and it wasn't even because I felt crappy because I really didn't. I know this emotion is hardly warranted when my life is compared to that of others. I know this.

Then later on I was especially hyper even though I had not taken in any caffeine. It was like my body just forgot to secrete some hormone and then put out a whole lot of it at once to make up for it. Looking back on it makes me wonder if that is what it is like to be depressed... if depression is some sort of hormonal imbalance. It makes sense. That is so crazy though. I don't know if it's worse to not feel anything or to feel too much--like too much lonliness or sadness or heartbreak or helplessness. There must be different types of depression that are really almost opposites if you think about it. Really though, is it better to not feel at all or to feel awful inside? sometimes I wonder.

I'm home

So right when I crossed the border into South Carolina, I looked around and suddenly the cars I thought were around me the whole time all had South CArolina liscense plates on them. How and when does the switch take place? I could have sworn they were all NC plates thirty seconds earlier.

Going job searching tomorrow. Wish me luck.

I hate cell phones except when I'm talking to you

I don't know why,
but something in your voice changed that night.
You had never sounded harsh at all,
but the night you brought me out of my dreams
your voice was soft and gentle.
Was it something in you that changed that night
or something in me?
or did it only seem different because I had just awakened?
...
Although we're in different places
somehow we're connected by a wire
that spans across the continent.
It is this thin string that ties us together.
I can hear you breathing,
but I can't touch you.
Maybe it's safer that way.
...
I told you once that thinking about you
made me want to write poetry,
so here it is.
There is no rhyme and no rythm--
only my emotions conveyed through these words.

some disconnected thoughts:

Drama (no, I'm not talking about a genre of WB shows or a theatre production)... sometimes I can't decide if I enjoy it or I despise it. Right now I'm leaning more towards the latter. Sure drama can make things interesting, but it can also interupt a peaceful, go-with-the-flow mindset.

On a completely different note...
Me and four of my housemates went camping this weekend in "Waynesville, NC." I'm not exactly sure why I put that in quotes... read into it what you want. So when we showed up at the first site, it was full, so we were sort of disgruntled if you will and nervous that we had driven for about 3 hours for nothing. Enter Cassidy's Dad who was kind enough to find us a place at some other location--Hemp Farms--I think it was called. Yeah, so we set up the tent by the light of Kasee's headlights and gathered sticks and stuff for the campfire. Yes, we had a campfire, and there were s'mores involved (as well as veggie burgers on sticks). Too bad we didn't sleep on grass or even dirt--no, we slept on gravel, and gravel sucks. Gravel is not even outdoorsy. Other than that, it was nice. We barely saw anyone else there at all, and the view was pretty nice. So yeah, we had a grand old time, and I even got in some spooning... or as I like to call it: spooning for survival because it was a bit chilly. So yeah, then we hung out in Asheville for a while which was really nice. I really do want to live in Asheville at some point in my life. (like when I get out of Wake.) I have found that the mountains are quite enjoyable--a nice contrast to all that beach time. (Not that I'm complaining about the beach of course).

So my car wouldn't start on Saturday night, and for that reason I had to pay $79 today to get it fixed which sucks a lot. On a more positive note: It could have been a lot worse--my car could have chosen to stop working while I was alone at a concert in Charlotte or Asheville or something, so for that I am definately thankful.

So I signed up for this thing called Audioscrobbler which keeps track of the songs you play through i-tunes, and connects you to people that have a similar music taste, so that's pretty sweet. My page is here in case you want to see what I've been playing lately. I only just figured out how to use it, so despite what it says, it has not been up since September.

another brief scene from a dream...

I just dreamed that I went home, and my dad somehow managed to grow out his hair--it was longer than mine, and he wore it in a ponytail down his back. It was weird because it wasn't gray. There was also some random baby living at my house that resembled this girl I was friends with in CT when I was about 5.

Then yesterday night my dream took place in my friend Liz's old house (that she hasn't lived in since 7th grade).

I was reading some Keats poetry last night before I went to bed--"The Eve of St. Agnes"--apparently there's this tradition or something that if you do certain rituals on the eve of st. agnes and you are a virgin, you will dream about your husband. Interesting concept. I think I have dreamed about my future husband before, but I could never make out his face.

sigh.

I want so much to be an artsy person--someone who has deep discussions about passages from great books in front of a fireplace to people wearing sweater vests and chords, but I'm afraid that I just am not capable of such things. I want to be intellectual... maybe that's the problem--I want to be intellectual, so I'm not. It just sucks--I don't want to fit in with the general Wake Forest crowd, but I look the same--I have rainbows and a freaking north face backpack! I think much of my frustration comes from my recent grade in English. I like English so much, but I just suck at it. I have these good ideas, but I can't ever incorporate them properly into an argument. How can I be thinking about grading English papers if I can't even write them, myself? I don't know.

This year has been better in general so far... don't get me wrong. It's just that I have a lot of the same frustrations: I don't know what to major in or what I'm good at, I'm having the same issues with boys, and I'm not fostering my personal relationship with God nearly as much as I should. I feel like a big faker going to church every Sunday. I just don't know.

eh... oh well

Well I would have been on WakeRadio today, if we could have figured out how to turn off the pre-recorded show. ooops... I guess that intern thing didn't prepare me too well. We gave up and left... it was sad really. Well, better luck next week. Just so you know, in the future I should be on on Thursdays from 3-5 PM. (http://radio.wfu.edu/)

Yeah, so I love the house that I'm living in by the way. It's a great environment to live in... ha...ha. I am not the only vegetarian here, so that is sweet.

Tonight I am going to President Hatch's house, so that'll be interesting I guess. I almost hope he doesn't have a veggie alternative just so I can make a point about how there aren't the veggie options on campus really either.

So even though many may call them "sell outs" or whatever, I saw Coldplay last Friday night. Before you look down upon me or judge me, just know that I was actually volunteering there in the name of Fair Trade. I got 98 people to sign a petition and talked to really cool people besides, so that was exciting. I loved it because it gave me a chance to talk to random people that I just normally wouldn't have. (Also let it be known, that Coldplay has some pretty sweet stuff out... the lyrics to many of their songs are great... and I really enjoy Chris Martin. I didn't enjoy the fact that the show was pretty well... showy with the lights and everything. But Gwenyth Paltrow is pretty lucky... an amazing poet for a husband. I hope Chris serenades her regularly.)

Jump, Little Children tomorrow night at Ziggy's. =)

a dream

I meant to post this yesterday, but oh well. My last night at home I had this (short) dream:

I walked into Johnson toward my room, and all of my friends from high school were sitting on the ground outside of my door. I continued to walk toward them and toward A103 (my old room), but then I said, "Wait... but I don't live here anymore." and the dream ended--sort of like a fade out, and I woke up.

last night in my bed until Thanksgiving

Well my room is pretty much empty again. The cars are packed, the gas tanks full, breakfast waiting (already made) in the fridge, i-tunes mix entitled "sophomore year begins" made, and everyone safely in bed. In just a few short hours I will embark upon my life as a sophomore in college. wow. No longer will I be that scared freshman for whom everything is new. I will not get lost on campus (well maybe still in Tribble), I will be one of those annoying people who runs over to hug her friends, I know more of what to expect, and I don't have to take a stinkin' math course. (For the first time in years I will not even need my fancy TI 83 which I have bestowed upon my brother. cheers.)

I'm going to be living in a house! wow! Tomorrow night will set the tone for the rest of the year that I will spend with the other nine people (except for Joan, my roommate, who is arriving a bit later). I'm nervous, excited, and anxious at the same time. I really hope I will be able to sleep tonight. Last night I already did not sleep too well due to my (poor) choice to watch a special on serial killers right before bed. (I couldn't help myself, the whole idea is just so fascinating. I knew before I set out to watch it that I would have trouble sleeping, but that didn't stop myself from turning on the TV. On that note, I will not have a TV in my room this year. Joan said she doesn't need one, so I decided I would also try to live without one. I think this will be good. And, hey, I could watch Gilmore Girls with Courtney or someone on the way back from Presby, and it will even be like a special bonding time. I have to admit that it will be sort of sad living away from Carol. By the end of the year we really just clicked, and I have only known Wake with Carol as my roommate up until this point. I am of couse excited about roomming with Joan, however, and hope that I will still see Carol and her crazy coats around.

Alright, here goes nothing. I will try to jump right into my sophomore year and not look back at what "could have been."

when does the day end and tomorrow become today?

Sometimes I want to go to bed, and I know I should, but I have this feeling that I’m forgetting to do something or that I just haven’t really felt like I’m ready for the day to conclude. It’s almost like I need to do something meaningful before I go to sleep. This is a feeling I get before I turn off the lights usually—it’s not like I have trouble actually sleeping… just turning off the lights when I haven’t really done anything productive for hours. This feeling is rare at school because I usually go to sleep following completing my homework or after a visit to Waffle House or after a good discussion with someone. All of these things have a definite end, but sitting here in my room doing random things on the computer or reading or packing… well those things could keep going for a while longer. They have no definitive ending. I guess that’s my problem. I feel like the day is simply not over—like I’m closing a book in the middle of a sentence or something. Or perhaps this is just a God thing telling me that I should pray or read the Bible before bed. I don’t really know.

what the heck?

4 comments on the last blog... and right after I changed the settings to let "annonymous people" leave comments. Interesting that they seemed very random (well the annonymous ones anyway)... almost like they were trying to use me to advertise. sad. I will conduct an experiment to see if it happens again, and then I may have to change the settings. I don't think they even read my blog because the last entry wasn't at all insightful, and they put stuff like, "hey, great blog!" Also, what's with that second comment about spelling and the i-pod? That was pretty funny.

Back at home

Yeah. So I got home Monday night. Since then I've basically just been sitting around and reading and avoiding cleaning my room. You see, I still haven't unpacked from school from when I got back in May. If you could see the floor of my room, you would think that some sort of disaster must have occurred within, but you would be wrong. I've just been ridiculously lazy pretty much. I mean I want to pack, I just don't want to unpack. Another one of my problems is that I just don't want to throw away stuff. Even if it seems it's totally pointless to keep stuff, I just have a hard time letting go I guess. (That kind of goes along with my love for photo collages, Andrew. so many memories can be found just by looking at a movie ticket stub or something like that.)

I went to the dentist today. Always an experience at the dentist. I both love and hate it. I absolutely love the clean feeling afterwards, but I hate actually being in that chair. You really have no control at all. Today the lady who was working on me had the hic-ups. You can only imagine the pain this caused me.

I am excited about getting back to Wake. I have actually recently had some dreams that included Wake people (had a dream about Ben last night, and I honestly don't really remember anything about it). I'm excited about getting to know the people in the house for sure. I'm also excited about going to see shows with people. Can't wait to get back in touch with Sarah (Dunham), and I'll definately miss Alex.

I've been waking up stinking early lately, and I can only guess that it is because I have been going to bed by 10:30 every night. Man, I have no life. Well, I'd better wrap this up. It's getting close to bed time.

death

This morning I saw a dead, beached dolphin on the beach. I was so shocked, I couldn't even cry it was so sad. (The worst part was that I saw another dolphin swimming just off the beach as if it were looking for it's friend.) I also saw a really pretty dead butterfly on the ground in addition to a dead skink. What the heck is that all supposed to mean?

kids

(I wish I could post some stinkin' pictures to make this more interesting, but I am not on my personal computer now. I will work on that later at some point.)

I come to these random revelations or decisions quite often now for some reason. Today I decided that I wanted to name my son "Jack." No, I mean I'm obviously not planning on having kids in the near future, so I don't know why this came to me, but there it is. My dad's name is Jack, and it used to be that I didn't really like that whole naming your kid after some family member thing, but I do kind of like it now. I'm still not down with the giving him the dad's name, but grandfather? why not? My dad's pretty amazing, and I think that it's really funny to give kids sort of old people names. (I also like Frank and Max).

Wow, that was kind of a strange topic to share with people. Oh well.

Kids can be so funny. We have the little ones here this week--2nd, 3rd, and 4th graders. After breakfast this morning, one kid just goes bolting out of the dining hall and yells, "YESSSSS! FREEDOM!!!" Another kid asked if I would pass her the "sustinance" at dinner, and claimed that she always calls rolls that.

My one-piece tan line is out of control. seriously, you will laugh.

The other day I sat out in the rain on the dock and thought about life for a long time. It's funny... I brought out my i-pod, a journal, and a book, but I ended up just sitting there and thinking and praying. I'm really trying to figure out what God's will is for my life. This is not easy to do. Preachers always say that we are supposed to do God's will, but they don't mention how we're supposed to know what the heck that is. They say they were called to do this or that, but how do they really know? I don't know. I've been struggling with this for a while. I have the tendency to look for "signs" everywhere because I think they might be from God. I just don't know.

This is it... this is my last week out at camp. I go home probably next Tuesday. No more docks to sit on, no more beaches to run on, no more crazy mating squirrels, no more cheesecake, no more singing songs with kids right before bed, no more trips to Newton Farms, etc. I'm going to be soooo bored during that time before school starts back up. I'm ready to go back soon.

Yeah, I'm sorry... I really didn't have anything to write about. I just did it for Betsy's entertainment.

I'm a weirdo

I really actually like to sit at red lights and watch people cross in front of me as they turn left. For some reason, people never really think (or like to think) that a clear glass window will not protect them from the view of curious on-lookers. People have the most interesting and real expressions on their faces when they drive sometimes because they're not putting on a fake face for anyone. I like it.

I often spend about an hour in Blockbuster trying to decide what movie to get.

I still keep a personal journal, and my last entry detailed all the things I'm looking for in a guy.

I have four doors that lead out of my room at home, and each is painted a different color.

I'm currently reading a book about the Appalachian Trail.

The clock in my car is about ten minutes behind the world, but I don't want to change it.

I have more pictures of the band Jump, Little Children on my computer than I have of my friends and family put together. (Plus I have had more than a few dreams involving the band.)

I enjoy making people feel awkward.

I don't wear makeup. at all.

I am currently wearing my pajama boxers from Limited Too. (Yes, that's where everyone shopped in 6th grade.)

I bought a George Foreman grill just to make grilled cheeses on.

Oh yeah...

Hey guys. Yeah, it's been a while. oops. Not a whole lot has really changed.

I've been running a lot in the mornings now. There's something special about the beach in the morning. The water is so calm, and there are no footprints yet in the sand. Sometimes you can't even tell where the water stops and the sky starts on a cloudy day.

The power has been going out a lot lately, but to be honest it's sort of nice. Instead of taking the easy way out and watching movies or playing nintendo we've actually had to be creative and (gasp) talk. Talking in the dark is pretty fun actually. Last night there was a great big storm (that actually had nothing to do with the power outage), so we went outside and sat on the porch and just watched the storm. It was so ridiculous and so much better than some crappy fireworks anyway. The sky literally lit up about ever half a second. It was a constant flickering of light that would light up the beach and the palm trees. It was amazing. The best is when it's so bright that you can see the rain falling.
The lightening sort of lights up every individual raindrop. I wish you could have been there. This went on for hours, and we'd just oooh and aaah and even giggle sometimes because it was just that cool. It was so incredibly loud sometimes that it'd change the rythem of your heart and shake the building. It was pretty amazing.

I went to visit Guilford about two weeks ago. Even went up to Wake which definately had me doing some hard core thinking. I'm almost positive I'll be back at Wake this semester at least. It's kind of frustrating though--getting sentimental about Wake even though I really don't have reason to be. I mean I'm excited about the classes and the house of course. I even have come closer to deciding what to do with my life... maybe I'll be an English teacher.

I've been doing a lot of pondering lately really, and this week I'm off, so I'll be sitting out on the crab dock as often as I can. The crab dock is amazing. It overlooks the marsh (think Dawson's creek), so it's a nice change from the beach. As you walk out to the dock, literally hundreds of little black fiddler crabs dart out of the way. There are so many that the noise they make as they run through the grass and stuff sounds like the noise a large animal would make in the woods. If I could I think I would go out to the dock every night to just sit or read or write. It's a great place to watch the sunset over that marsh grass as it waves in the breeze. Later of course, the stars come out, and since there aren't any lights out there at all, you can see thousands instead of the 4 or so up at school.

So... how are you guys doing?

I've joined the rest of the world

by aquiring an i-pod. I think I have a problem with material possessions. I don't know. I mean it's not like I spend a lot of the money I make. (in fact I tend to squirrel it away, and I even faithfully look through the coupon things every Sunday), but there are some things that seem to be way to important to me, and it sort of worries me. I read this book once where the main character only had like 75 possessions or something, and he constantly had to give things up to make room for new things. Man, that would be so cool to actually do that. I'm not strong enough for that though, and I do realize it is a bit extreme of course. I guess an i-pod is sort of cheating because it allowed me to condense hundreds of CD's into one little compact gadget. It's weird though. A lot of the things I value the most (my old shoes, my '92 toyota corolla, my stupid looking green and white poka dotted heart-shaped pillow, the earrings liz gave me for my 11th birthday (?) that I never take out, etc.) are actually really old and look worthless. I guess this has to do with the fact that I'm so darn sentimental. I'd cry if I lost those shoes, and I check multiple times a day to make sure my earrings haven't mysteriously fallen out. I guess it could be worse... I'm trying not to be too attached to electronic stuff and to simplify my life, but it's not easy. There are so many things that I'd like to have... man, wouldn't it be cool to own the only '92 corolla that had a sun roof? I guess part of it is that I'm a dreamer as well which may make my life more interesting, but it definately also makes it so much harder to bear. Sometimes I just get so frustrated. Sure, I'll be at Wake for another year, but after that... well, who knows?

It's funny how...

our reactions to various situations often depends on the people involved. Ok, I know that sounds confusing, so let me try to clarify. The people you know well and have a better relationship with can get away with more stuff than the people you maybe aren't as comfortable with. It's true. I mean think about it: your good friends can criticize you some, but if that annoying girl says anything, you get pissed off even if she says the same thing that the other person says. This doesn't just apply to negative things, though. It can also apply to how close you let someone get to you and even physical contact.

Take this real-life example (that happened to be yesterday in fact):
A group of us were at the grocery store (which had this freshly made honey roasted penut butter that was awesome), and I was looking at some stuff on the shelf when someone came up to me, grabbed my arm, and made these weird noises into my ear. Having not seen the culprit, I thought it was this one kid who gets on my nerves, so I turned and gave my best what the heck are you doing? stop it look only to find out that it was someone else, and the funny thing is I didn't mind him doing it, so my reaction entirely depended on who I thought was involved.
Think about it though. You let some people put their arm around you, but you definately wouldn't feel comfortable if everyone did that. I don't know. It's weird.

Taking it easy after a long week.

working on the coveted one piece tan line

Yeah, I've been out at camp for a few days now. Let me say that it's been going pretty well. I'm excited that Cory is my roommate, and people seem to be clicking as well as they can be for the beginning. I don't know. At what point do I just stop coming out here? Will this be my last summer or what? I mean that's one of the main reasons I came back this year--I couldn't stand not coming back. I just love this place so much. I mean it's amazing--the sunsets, the stars, the storms, etc. So I don't know. I think I'll be a lot more excited when the kids come, but right now I'm sort of bored since I've already been through a lot of this training stuff, and it's exactly the same for the most part. eh, we'll see.

On a completely different note, I raised my GPA a bit, so that's nice. Not that it really matters at all. It would make so much more sense not to go to Wake, but I feel stuck. I mean I'd be ridiculously happy being the pastry chef out here at camp or work on BI (Barrier Island--the educational program out here during the school year) or traveling or something.

Took Stefan to see Star Wars last night at midnight. A while back I told him I'd take him if he dressed up (thinking he'd reject the idea right away, but he didn't). It was sort of sad because no one else even stinking dressed up at the theatre we went to. How lame is that? It's ok though. Stefan tried to back himself out with the: everyone else just doesn't know what's cool. dressing up is cool. It was interesting to hear him try to build himself back up after some pointing and giggling. (He was a pretty darn cute Jedi.)

Craziness at camp ensued yesterday when Craig got stung by a stingray. How crazy is that?
Now I'm just rambling...as usual

Moving into my bubble

Hey. Today I am moving back out to camp. I must not be ready because I keep finding things on the floor that I'd forgotten to pack. It also sort of sucks (and by "sort of" I mean "a lot") that we had to take my car into the shop this morning for something that I don't understand. Now, I must take my mother's car with me to camp, which makes me sad.

So yeah, I suppose I should put down some expectations about the summer...
ummm yeah, I'm sort of worried about who my roommate will be. Kimberly has this knack of putting me with someone I don't know. Not to say that it hasn't worked out in the past, but I'm still a bit nervous about that. I'm also sort of nervous that I'm one of the oldest people on staff this year (well, experience wise, anyway). For once I'll actually be more in the leadership role, which is weird because I've been practically the youngest staff member the last two years. I don't really know what to expect today. The last two opening days have become blurs in my memory. I guess we'll find out soon enough. I'm definately excited to be going back out there. Last night as a thunderstorm passed by our house, I remembered the time that I sat out on the beach in the middle of a thunderstorm and just let it soak through my clothes. It was one of the most amazing things. (and yes, I realize it's dangerous, but hey, getting struck by lightening would be a pretty cool way to go.) I hope that I can share that experience with someone one day. You really should try it. Sitting out there on the sand, watching the water pound the surface of the water, watching the lightening strike, hearing and feeling the thunder shake the earth... well it's just amazing and invigerating. It's just one of those times where you say to yourself: wow, God. I get it. sigh.

So yeah, you may not hear from me in a while... not so sure about the prospect of cell phone reception out there, but by all means leave me a message if you want to chat, and I'll get back to you... eventually. and you should consider coming to visit me.

If you write me a letter, I will write you back. That's a promise.
Camp St. Chritopher
2810 Seabrook Island Road
John's Island, SC 29455

2,465 emails later:

I'm sitting here in Johnson A103 for the last time probably ever. It's so weird. My roommate is gone, and so are the majority of my belongings which my parents came to get today. I'm annoyed with myself for putting my journal in a box that went into my parents' car today. I was prepared to right a long winded report on my feelings for the year... well I wasn't sure what I was going to say exactly, but I was prepared to attempt to sort it all out. It sucks becaues I only have about four pages left in my journal from freshman year, which would have been pretty good for tonight. As a result not having it though, this blog entry may be a bit more personal than usual, so prepare yourself.

It's interesting because I actually selected another journal at Border's tonight--not my ideal idea of one, but somewhere in the right direction. It's got a drawing of a woman on the cover with a tear going down her cheek--sad, yet beautiful at the same time... sort of like life I think. I just tried to find a link with a picture of it, but I was unsucessful. Maybe one day you'll see it and just know. Anyway, so I bought that journal tonight, but I can't start it yet. I think I'll hold onto it until sophomore year.

So I sat in Border's for a while and stumbled across the realization that tonight would actually be good for me. At first I was dreading the time alone tonight in my nearly-abandoned room, but then I came to relish the idea. One last night at Wake for my freshman year--and a night to be alone! I finally have some time to reflect on my experiences this year. I don't think it'd be nearly as effective to do this at home because home is just an entirely different atmosphere. It's so still here tonight. Eerie almost, but peaceful. I sat outside for a while and only saw two people. The campus really is so beautiful, but it's also sort of fake. It really is only beautiful to lure you into coming to the school. Young, naive idealists take a look around the campus and sigh in content. It seems like the weather is always gorgeous when lots of people are visiting. It's so darn tricky. Classic example, right? Things aren't always what they seem, you can't judge a book by it's cover, beauty is only skin-deep, etc., but who listens to cliches anyway? They're just too... well, cliche.

So I wonder what it would have been like to go to a different school. My life would be so different now... or at least that's what I think. That's the problem--there's no way of knowing really. That's what sucks. I wanted to go to multiple schools to try them out, you know? Go to the first two weeks at Wake, go back in time and go to the first two weeks somewhere else and pick. But then life isn't that easy unless you are one of those lucky people who doesn't over-analyze everything and always come up short and dissapointed. I don't really want to be one of those people though. I find myself struggling aggainst that. I couldn't tell you why exactly. I just want to live a real life and be content at the end of the day, you know? but then... how do you do that? If I knew that I wouldn't be writing all this I don't think.

I don't know. I had such high expectations going into this. Yeah, I sort of have high expectations for everything, which makes it all so harder, but so much more worthit when things actually seem to fall into place. I thought (no, hoped) that I'd find people here I really connected with--people I could actually have real conversations with. Small talk only to fill in the background and to suppliment personal information. Or even small talk that just wasn't forced. I hate that--forced small talk. Why the heck do we find it necessary? Why do you ask me "what's up?" when you've already passed me on the sidewalk? what the heck is that, anyway? How are you supposed to respond to that? "uhh I'm fine... I guess." I don't know. Most of the time I just shrug my shoulders when people ask me that now. I like Sarah Tullis's response of "good enough." It sort of makes people uncomfortable. I actually like to make people uncomfortable sometimes though. I don't know... it's sort of a sick game I guess. When I used to find pauses in conversations uncomfortable, now I relish in the awkwardness and anticipation of the person's next move. Darn it, it's fun being awkward sometimes... if only because it makes people actually stop and pay attention to their actions. It tends to put an end to the automatic responses or at least challenge them, and I like that. Conversation doesn't have to be dull. It shouldn't be, in fact. I've even found that it sometimes is even possible to really talk to people at wake. hard to believe of course. The few people that I have connected with give me hope, and I need all of the hope I can get. It's like they keep me from starving to death, but leave me hungry for more. I feel like I really am getting by in this state of near starvation. but I have really enjoyed the presence of a few people here, and I think (and hope) you guys know if I'm referring to you. I feel like only a few people have gotten to know me or at least gotten to know more than just the me on the surface. I wish there were some way of finding people at this school that I'd click with that would stick out the four years here. Yeah, I can understand the desire to transfer. trust me. but man, I don't know if I could handle having high expectations and being let down again. to be cliche, Wake really was a good example of a beautiful letdown, right?

So yeah, freshman year...
wasn't worth the fifty million dollars it cost to come here. Definately not. I feel like such a jerk for making my parents pay that much. I feel like I should at least pretend that I really enjoyed it here, but I probably won't. I'm trying to pretend less. So I'm not sure why I'm not transferring. I'm so darn stubborn--I dont' know if that's good or bad most of the time. I feel like I have to ride it out... like I'm obligated to stick around. I mean Wake needs people like us, right? I may fit the stereotype--darn this blonde hair and light skin tone, but darn it I don't feel like I really fit or that I even want to fit here. I think I might be more nervous if I did love it here. So where does that leave me? What can I conclude from this year? I've really come to appreciate the small things in life this year. I mean you really have to if you want to keep going. the squirrel pearched on top of the trashcan, dancing around at work with my co-workers to god-awful songs, the first sip of your favorite smoothie, running down the stairs, almost running into someone, lying down after a long night, late night discussions with the roommate, nailing parallel parking, reading in reynolda gardens, listening to the rain through the open window at night, walking back to the room on a quiet night, sneaking just a bit of lemonade into my water in the pit, walking bearfoot in the grass, becoming familiar with your professors' wardrobe, watching the sun hit only the tops of the trees at the end of the day, the list goes on.

OK, so I've spend more time alone this year than I had planned on, but maybe I needed that. I know I definately need it tonight for closure. It woudn't have done to leave earlier when everyone else was leaving. I really did need tonight to try to assimilate my thoughts and just ponder the year. I needed to be alone and to lock myself in my room. Man, I nearly spent an hour typing this out. So that's it... I'm leaving tomorrow to go on some retreat. then I'll be home for about five days before I'm back out at camp. We'll see how that goes...

I must have an exam in two hours because I'm blogging...

and I do. oh well. This is the last one, so I've about shut down. It's weird... all I want to do is sit somewhere nice and just stare off at nothing. I may go to Border's or somewhere tonight to people watch/pretend to read a book. It will be great fun. I also need to take a look at journals... I'm about out of space--isn't that appropriate? I'm constantly looking for a really cool journal. One with home made pages and a ridiculously nice cover would be amazing... no, I really don't expect to find this at Border's, but it's fun to browse. I really want to read a book in it's entirety at Border's or some bookstore one day... this is not a small feat, mind you. I read really, really slow. Yes, I know everyone says that, but I really do. Everyone else is just exagerating. haha. (because I never exagerate. anything.)

So yeah, I've returned to more normal dreams IE camp dreams. I dreamed that Charlie was working again this summer on maintanence, and I was so excited. This may have come from thinking about him yesterday when I packed away the plexi glass sculpture of a wave that he made for me one day. man, I am so sentimental about pretty much everything. I don't know. I just can't help it. I'm sorry.

My parents are coming tomorrow to take away some of my treasured belongings (crap). It's all so crazy. It's like I want to be sentimental, but then I think to myself: wait, this year wasn't really too awesome, you dummy. Don't get so darn sentimental. But I can't help it. It's weird looking down the empty and quiet hall. I'll never be a freshman again. And although I didn't necessarily always enjoy living with the people on my hall, it will be weird without them. you know? *sigh.*

YEah, so about that exam in two hours... must stay focused!

a creepy dream

So I had a creepy dream this morning sometime between 8:37 and 9:42 AM. I know this because I looked at the clock at these times.

ok, so at first I was just watching a horror movie, but as the dream went on, I played a more active role in the movie. I soon was in the movie, but a passive observer of sorts. Then as the events started to unfold, I was a main character. I don't remember all of it, but the end and climax I guess was this:

We were at this house on a lake. It was weird because all of the sudden the land just stopped, and there was a really steep hill that led down into the lake. Anyway, we were walking down to the lake, and one of the guys was blind. I forgot that he couldn't see the ledge until we were right upon it, and I tried to warn him, but it was too late. He stepped off, and plumetted down to the water, so we all jumped in to see if he was OK. He was... I mean he was surprised of course, but he could swim. Anyway, once we saw he was ok, we took to playing around in the water. (it was at night, so it was that eerie calm with some fog over the serene water.) I guess we didn't notice that the blind guy had gotten out of the water, and walked back up to the house. (side note: this guy was creepy. he would stare right at you with his eyes even though he couldn't really see, and his eyes just seemed to pierce you.) The guy climbed up to the second or thrid story balcony/porch thing, and with a loud voice and a creepy smile, "I'm sick of this. I've had enough." At this point, I think he's just going to jump off the balcony and commit suicide, but he doesn't. That wouldn't be nearly as creepy. He slowly turns around, demonic smile still plastered across his face, and walks inside the bedroom. At this point, it doens't make sense that I can see what's going on in there, but I do. I see it through this really creepy old mirror--you know the one that is free standing with those weird feet things (like in Harry Potter the mirror or Erised)--not one that's against the wall. The guy just stands in front of the mirror as if he's looking into it, and this demon spirit thing comes out, and just brutally rapes and attacks him, but he just sort of stands there and takes it. This happens really fast, and there's blood everywhere. It's quite frightening and disturbing. Then as fast as it all started, suddenly the room was clean and empty. I had to stay in the house that night. There were two other people with me. The other two said they wanted to go into town, but for some reason (that doesn't really make sense considering what I just witnessed) I wanted to stay there. At first I thought we were in another room, but of course I realized after they left that it was the same room with the creepy mirror. That's when someone knocked on my door, and scared the crap out of me, and I woke up.

So yeah, that's weird. Usually I have pleasant dreams, but then every once and a while, I have a really disturbing one. Well, anyway, I have an exam in 45 minutes.

I don't know if it's the coffee or what, but

I've just been really jumpy lately. Just now for instance... I was just going over some power point presentations for my comm class and he programed some sound effects to go with the clicking that scared me not once, not twice, but three times. I don't know why, but every time I just gasped, and my heart skipped a beat. My roommate can tell you more about this phenomenon. She routinely scares the crap out of me when she walks into the room. Then there's my phone. Every time it goes off (which isn't too often--maybe that's the problem) I typically cry out "Oh!" or "Whoa!" Yeah, so I don't know. Maybe I'm just a nervous person... maybe it's the coffee. All I know is that I just had the equivalent of 3 1/2 servings of pears according to the label on the can. Pears are so good. I had forgotten.

I was thinking that I might take my last shower here without flip flops on. Is that gross? Yes, but I feel like it would just be appropriate.

Hmmm... the things I think about.

So tonight...

I went with four other people (Sarah, Alex, Jenn, and Courtney) to go see the shins in asheville. First of all, we almost died on the way there. It was actually quite awesome. Alex had just made some comment about hating semis, and this truck litterally starts coming into our lane when we were a good ways up on his side. The thing that made this bad was that we were in the very left lane on a bridge--literally no where to go. It was amazing that nothing happened. All I could do was watch the truck through the right windows and think to myself: hmmm that thing sure is close. wow, that's cool. I wonder what's going to happen. So yeah, that shook us up a bit and had us laughing nervously for about five minutes.

Then when we got there...
I met many of the people around me, so that was pretty cool. The opening act was definately interesting to say the least. They were called the Brunettes, and they had a whopping seven members including two tenor saxophones, a guitar, a bass, a banjo, a cello, drums, a triangle, wooden blocks, a clarinet, a trumpet, some weird piano kazoo thingy... the list goes on. (yes, they all played about fifty instruments.) They were sort of like a middle school band. Lots of clapping involved in the song. The girl who sang many of the songs was actually good though. I liked her voice. They had this song about mary-kate and ashley that involved wearing masks of the twins back in the Full House era... interesting. They also sang a song called "Holding Hands and Feeding Ducks."

Then the shins... well, I can't say I was honestly too impressed. The sound was really bad. Just a lot of noise--not too defined in my opinion. it was still fun, though. The guy with the long hair (and wearing a tie die shirt with a flannel shirt tied around his waste) was dancing pretty crazy in front of us... mixed feelings about this.

Went to waffle house afterwards. Listened to much 90's music in the car--we all sang along. It was great fun. Stopped at a gas station, some random guy payed for our gas, and then proceeded to talk to us for like 20 minutes. he was also quite interesting and intoxicated.

so yeah. It was a pretty good night all in all, I'd say. I enjoy road trips with people. Sometimes I wish we could do it just to do it.

I highly recommend

Dancing like crazy either by yourself or with your roommate. Just move around without thinking. it's quite nice. Think 80's songs, think big band songs, think middle school dance songs... there, you're on your way.

finally

I truly feel more content now than I have all year at Wake. It's strange. It really is indescribable... I just walked out of my last class in my FYS called Psychological Utopias. And let me say that there are times when I hated the class, and it seemed like a whole bunch of frustrating work with no real rewards, but looking back on it, I must say that I think it has been my favorite class at Wake so far. It was a real class, you know? Based almost entirely on the comments put out on the table by the 15 of us. We talked about so many issues--about life in general, the environment, other lifestyles, religion, determinism, ... the list goes on. I just felt like I learned so much from that class just through discussing the seven novels we read throughout the semester.

And here's the big moment:
As i walked out of the class room, I looked back, and my professor looked me in the eye and said, "take care." Now I know that sounds really simple, but I knew he actually meant it, and that's just so rare, you know? I felt it. I'm sorry I can't explain it much better. I wish we could all feel like this once and a while... just such a feeling of accomplishment and content and just real, honest sincerity. It was just amazing to me.

So the year is wrapping up--just one more day of classes. It's interesting really to look back on it all... but that's another entry waiting to happen.

Right now, I'm not even worried about my comm. paper that's due tomorrow that I haven't even started yet. (this is not necessarily a good thing, but there you have it.)

why is it...

that we feel like we're always supposed to be doing something? Sometimes don't you just want to sit and think or even just sit and stare at the wall. Even as I consider this, I think about time restrictions... you know what I mean. The "I simply don't have time to just sit around" or "sitting around is so unproductive," But is it really? I mean I think that slowing down and taking some time to just ponder life is good. It gives me a chance to try to sort things out and figure out what I like about my life and what I want to maybe work on. And sometimes it's just nice to ponder about random things such as wireless headphones for my i-pod (of the future), the possibility of banana juice, fruit flies, etc. I used to have this big chunk of time virtually every day when I would drive to and from school to just think or zone out or be still and reflect, but I've found that I have to almost fight for this time of solitude now. Sometimes I just want to go sit outside and watch people. So yeah, I'm all about the pondering of life. Some people may think that people who just sit around are lazy, but I think it's possible that they're doing grander things that simply reading a history text, etc. Some things can't be learned from a book.

I love how...

People hold the door open for everyone. It's just really nice.

Some examples:
-Walking up to Johnson, it's like this long line of people holding the door. The whole time I could see the front of Johnson, the door was held open by someone as the continual in and out flow occurred. I don't know... I just found that really cool.

-yesterday the same guy held the door open for me twice at different times and locations. it was nice.

it's just always nice when someone holds the door for you.

I don't know... maybe this appreciation derives from my southern roots or maybe I appreciate it so much because I didn't have access to any of the buildings for about a week when I lost my card and then was given a faulty one.

something else I want to do someday...

One of these days I'm going to go to a restaurant by myself (which isn't too unusual for say a Saturday afternoon really) and sit with a random person who also happens to be alone. Just think about how cool that could be. I mean it could potentially be construed as creepy, but I don't think I'm a very intimidating person, so I think I can get away with it. Really though, it'd be cool to just talk to someone new, you know? I was dissapointed... I went to Fazoli's (one of my favorite restaurants where I eat for just $2.99 every time--kid's ravioli with marinarra sauce and ulimited breadsticks), and I was actually going to do this, but will you believe it--no one was there alone! So yeah, some other time... it will happen. I mean if nothing else the person will have a funny story to tell their friends/family... yeah, some random girl sat at my table today and just started talking. You get the picture.

I find it interesting when...

we adopt our habits depending on who we are associating with. I find myself constantly adopting my speech intonations, tone, etc. depending on who I am talking to. Sometimes I don't even realize it at first. For example, last night I encountered a camoflagued guy listening to country music while me and Sarah were riding back from the party. He also drove a truck. So not to stereotype or anything, but I just started talking to him in a much more Southern accent. Then of course there's tone. Think about it today as you talk to different people. I don't know... maybe it's just me, but it does adapt at least some. I am much more soft spoken with people who are more laid back. It really is interesting. I think. OK, that's my deep thought for the day. haha.

St. Patrick's day, fool.

So many interesting things happened today.

1. I wore my uniform from high school. (green pleated skirt, arguile socks, white shirt, etc.) it was pretty sweet. I had been looking for an excuse to pull out the skirt for a while. I only got some slightly weird looks, some smiles, etc.

2. I bought one of those fountain pen things that you see them writing with back in the day and some brown ink to go with it. (I thought brown was nicer and more special than black.) My fingers are now brown from trying to get it right.

3. I went to a college frat party.
No, it's true.
How crazy is that? Yeah, it was theta chi. Themed for St. Patrick's Day of course. Sarah Tullis accompanied me for which I was greatful. I don't know. I felt so guilty as I walked up those beer and mud covered stairs on the way in. No, of course I didn't drink anything, but just being there made me feel like I was doing something wrong. I wasn't sure if I wanted to see people I knew or if it would be best not to. I did see one girl from one of my classes, so I went over and danced a bit. I've discovered that when pretty much everyone is drunk it doesn't matter if you can't really dance, so it's fun. I did sort of a jig--the skirt made it easier. You know, I just made it up, but people were so drunk that they thought it was awesome. Then a girl that went to my high school came up to me and started freaking out because I had on the uniform. That was amusing. So yeah, college party... check! sweet at least I've got that one out of the way.
So yeah, I can see where it'd be some fun if more people were dancing and I actually got to meet some people.

tra la la...

I feel oddly calm and at peace. This is a good thing, and it sort of surprised me to be honest. (which makes it even better.) I don't know. I'm just in a really chill, lackidaisical mood if you will. Back at school. made it in 4 hours and 6 minutes. Weather was gorgeous today. Sat outside for a while. went grocery shopping. The sky was absolutely amazing tonight. oh my gosh. it really was. For some reason I just couldn't get over it.

I'll try to paint a picture for you... the sky--darkening, but still various shades of blue and purple. the clouds--illuminated in the gorgeous sky. and all this through the naked limbs of the trees in the midst of a gentle and refreshing rain so light you can barely even detect it.

so yeah... less than two months, then school is done for a while. This is also a strange feeling. what the heck? how can I almost be done with my freshman year in college?! It just boggles my mind. yep, so there you go.

the magic of library books

So I got to thinking yesterday while attempting to read a library book. This happens all the time. As soon as I go to read something or occasionally when I go to fall asleep I just have all of these random thoughts.

So yeah, I started thinking yesterday... man, there is something that is just really cool about library books. I mean sure, it'd be nice to own the book because library books can be gross or smell like smoke or have mysterious stains on them, but in a way it's cool. I have probably lost you by now, so I'll explain myself. Maybe I think this way b/c my mom is a librarian, maybe I am just a Romantic, or maybe I just don't have enough money to buy books often, but think about it: chances are many others have read the book before you. The book in a way ties you together with these other people. Sure the stains may be gross, but it sort of makes you remember that other people have read the book. Then I sort of took it to the extreme and though something like well what if my soul mate (we will not get into the topic of soul mates now) either already read this book or will read it in the future? I mean how cool is that? I hold in my hands sort of a portal to other people and their lives. Then I start thinking about these lives of the other people. ok, so then of course I took it even farther. This relates back to the idea of the soul mate reading the same book. It'd be interesting to see what would happen if I left a slip of paper with my phone number on it in the book. You know? I mean what would happen? Aren't you curious now? It'd be interesting to say the least. I will not tell you which book I am going to leave my phone number in... only that I plan on leaving it in one of the books in the WF library. (I figure there's at least less of a chance that someone old will stumble across it.) and I know what you're thinking... even if it's a girl, maybe we can come to be good friends. Hey, it could happen alright?

Yeah, so this is a sample of what goes on in my head. I get off on all these tangents. Maybe that's why it takes me forever to read everything unless I'm super into it. My mind just waunders, and I am always asking those what if questions.

I hate it when...

[in no particular order]
1. every salad comes with some sort of meat product on top
2. I find a bone in my cheese quesadilla
3. I have nothing to do, and so much time to kill
4. I have everything to do, and no time
5. I overanalyze everything, and the results depress me
6. the wind blows up my skirt
7. you can see the price sticker for the thing you want, but it's out
8. people say they're going to call you, but they don't
9. I don't know what the deal is
10. I can't sleep at night b/c I watched a horror movie
11. I feel sorry for myself
12. I'm so indecisive
13. my lack of a social life depresses my mom
14. the maple syrup containers are all sticky
15. I see roadkill
16. I have to walk back from satellite alone in the cold
17. I feel like I have no control
18. the fruit flies appear out of nowhere
19. I get fined for having a "dirty refridgerator"
20. all I get is junk email
21. there's nothing good on the radio, and I forgot my CD's
22. I write these depressing blogs

Asheville.

well I made my first real road trip for jump last night. 2 hours each way... not too bad. Andrew accompanied me on the adventure. I was nervous that he wasn't going to think it was worth it. (I kind of didn't emphasize the facts that the show was a good 2 hours away, on a thurs night, it was 15 bucks, and the guys probably wouldn't come on til 10:30 or so.) Judging from his reactions though, I think he really enjoyed it, so that just goes to show you. If someone who has never seen them before thinks it was worth it to drive all that way, etc. then they really are amazing. That's all there is to it. I also got to see Ryan, so that was nice. How he predicted all those songs... man, he is a groupie. Some day I hope to attain his status.

Mark your calanders: April 15th at Ziggy's. I will be there... hopefully in the front row. Man, that post-concert feeling... there's just nothing like it. You know it was good when it lasts days later.

Anyway, yeah the show was pretty chill. They played some slower and certainly rarer songs because it was an acoustic show. Here are the songs that I remember them playing: By the Way they Dance, Matchbox whistler, Just a second, Mexico, Darkest Love, B-13, Dancing Virginia, Body Parts, BTDATD, Midnight (jay, not evan, but it's cool)Copper Kettle, Pink Lemonaid, Hold You Down, Not Today.

yeah. it was amazing. Perfect close to a ridculously hard week. wish I could see them every week.

My black P-500 extra fine Pilots

Ok, so this is weird, but there are these pens I've used since middle school that are absolutely amazing. I mean I write pretty small, so it's hard to find something that has a fine enough point yet still is smooth and clear. Yeah, so anyway... I had been really upset this past year because I couldn't find them anywhere. I searched at Walmart, office depot, staples, you name it. Yeah. So anyway, I had begun to give up hope of finding them, but then I saw the large office depot book in the bookstore here and decided to take a browse. Now this occurred last semester, and I have since then ordered 12 of these pens. (yeah, 12 seems like a lot, but I'll use them I promise.) Yeah, so you may be asking yourself something like ok, but why the heck are you writing about this? Yes, this is a logical question.

Here is the reason: today I was sitting in my interpersonal communication class when the girl next to me all of the sudden got my attention and said something like: Oh my gosh... let me see your pen. Oh! P-500's. Wow, you're going to think this is weird, but I love these pens, and they've stopped selling them. Where did you get them? Yeah, so how amazing is that? It was interesting that someone else out there has the same obcession with pens that I do. It would be a Wake Forest student.

the trend I've detected is towards low self-monitoring

I must say I'm in a darn good mood. Just got out of my interpersonal communication class where much class (and more specifically individual) participation occurred. It was nice. We did this thing where there was this list of around 250 adjectives, and we had to pick the ones that best described us. It was interesting, so I decided to volunteer my adjectives to the rest of the class, and my teacher sort of did a brief analysis of me. It was cool. He said I sounded like a very interesting person (haha) and that I would be interesting to get to know, but he made the prediction that someone would have to really make an effort to get to know me. yeah, I guess that's sort of true. So yeah, here they are because I'm sure you're curious... (in no particular order) self-conscious, perceptive, idealistic, imaginative, playful, intuitive, protective, cynical, trustworthy, determined, reflective, regretful, manipulative, religious, modest, elusive, naive, visionary, nervous, frank, sarcastic, youthful, inquisitive, honest, and indecisive. Yeah, I'm not proud of all of them, and a few of them I'd like to change, but I think it's pretty accurate.

uh huh, so I may still have some pesky hormones running around contributing to the being alone sucks state of mind, but today has been better. By the way, I think it's pretty crappy that everyone sort of assumes that boys have an excuse for not being able to control as much their attraction to girls as the general rule. It's all "because of their hormones," "boys will be boys..." What the heck? News flash: girls have hormones, too. Maybe we just deal with them better.

ok I'm done. thanks.

jumping back into life

Well I must be doing better because I caught myself running down stairs, skipping, and whistling. It's interesting because the last two days I didn't do any of that typically routine stuff due to my illness, but today I have just been doing better in general. The thing is, today I actually am in a better mood than I was in before I got sick, so I guess it's good to get sick every once and a while even if it sucks because it makes you appreciate stuff more. short and sweet today.

crap.

Awww man. So I think I'm definately sick. I rarely do this sick thing, so it sucks a whole lot. I also am pretty opposed to taking meds for a few reasons. (my dad hates them, so he has influenced me... my dad influences me a lot, really; I have the oppinion that by taking them you don't give your imune system a work out which leads to more sicknesses down the line; and I don't know... it just seems like cheating). So yeah, even though I was ridiculously tired from going rollar skating, I could not fall asleep. It's sad really b/c it could have potentially been one of my best night's sleep ever b/c I was so exhausted. (it defintaely was fun rollar skating though, and we convinced the little old woman to give us the tickets for about half price. sweet. Then of course the music was hoppin'. I had all sorts of flashbacks to middle school just through the songs. And then the girls trying to get down with Tim... haha. Funny, but also super sketcy. If it were anyone but Tim, it'd be really sketchy. Yeah, my thighs got a work out for sure.)

Yeah, so that's that. sorry... I complain too much, I know, but at least you don't have to read this if you don't want to. Cool, now it's time to watch movies in bed or at least that's the plan if I can get my hands on anything good. They only had 1/10 of the movies I wanted to check out from the library, and I already watched that one this afternoon--High Fidelity.)

cathartic

Ummm... I'm not depressed. I just thought I should clarify that b/c the last post was pretty down. I think writing that stuff down even helped. Cathartic. Lot of people lately have had emotional blowouts. It seems almost trendy. Carol (the roommate) said that her next goal was to find me a boyfriend. haha. good luck with that. I guess my mood could be traced to two key things:
1. I haven't been doing the God thing lately. (what's with closing churches when the weather isn't perfect? that's just not cool.) I think since I haven't gone to church the past couple of weeks that I've come to the conclusion that my faith should not be church-based. I should not be relying on that as my only means of religiousness. I need to be actively reading the Bible and praying. I did this last night, and today has already been better.
2. I am lonely, and I am tired of waiting for the right guy for me. (not that that means I will cease to wait and just settle for anyone b/c that is definately not true. I'm pretty picky.)

Yep, so don't be nervous for me. I'm ok, I promise.

"the pit of darkness and despair"

Do you ever feel like you're not really living? Like you're just going through the motions? You smile at people as they walk by you, go to church most of the time, do your homework, show up in class, and call home; but nothing really seems to mean anything. That is where I am, and it sucks.

I want to live life and love life, but I just can't seem to feel any emotions really. It's like that quote from the movie Waking Life: "It seems like everyone is sleep-walking through their waking state or wake-walking through their dreams." I feel like I'm in that dream-like state, but my dreams are much better than my real life, so the analogy is a little off.

But then again I do have one overriding emotion: lonliness, so I guess I'm not living entirely as if I were on some mind-numbing drugs. I mean I've had some decent conversations with people lately, but in a way that just makes me more lonely b/c then I know what I'm missing. Yeah, a lot of the music I've been listening to lately is really mellow, too, so that probably doesn't help. There are some great songs about lonliness though. (Great as in poetic and evoking emotions.)

-"A baby sleeps in all our bones so scared to be alone" --Iron and Wine

-"So I look in your direction/But you pay me no attention/And you know how much I need you/But you never even see me"--Coldplay

-"Now I long for that embrace/The strongest arms and troubled face/Smokey air and autumn grey/That make me feel safe" --Jump, Little Children

-"Sometimes I'd like to just ask her/what honest words/she can't afford to say, like/'I want your flowers like babies want God's love or maybe as sure as tomorrow will come'"--Iron and Wine

Yeah, you get the picture. Darn it, I hate being lonely. I want to love life with someone. This is not a cry for help, and I'm not at all saying I'm desperate. I'm just sick of waiting to get swept off my feet by life.

This guy Anthony wrote this:
"We know that our dreams will be achieved, but only if we partake on a dangerous journey through the pits of darkness and despair. Only after we overcome our trials; once we receive our lashings will he have a chance to taste the wine of forever and joy on our lips."
And that is pretty much how it is. Right now I'm in that pit of darkness, but I'm hoping it will all be worth it. That is one of the few things I have hope in. I figure once I do find that person I connect with it will be that much better. It's got to be.

a good weekend

So I had a pretty good weekend I'd say. It was nice, and I think it even gave me some hope that life can be pretty good. So let's see... Friday night I played a board game. Man, how I do miss playing board games. My mom bought so many of those things that they filled up almost a whole wall of shelves in the atic. It's a bit insane really, but anyway. yeah, so we played Sorry (of course I won). I have to warn you... I am pretty darn competitive when it comes to board games especially. Yep, so then on Saturday I had to get up early and walk upon the hazardous ice-covered bricks to work, but I have to say... work didn't turn out so bad at all. Pretty much no one came in, so the work was definately on the light side. Then I met this kid named Ryan who works at the book store, too, and we had some fun with the 5 disk CD changer. (Pure Dance 4, Pure techno, pure funk, you get the picture; basically everything is "pure.") Then some of his friends came in, so we just did the whole fire-side chat thing for a while. Then I did laundry, and that in itself is always exciting. Then we did some more stuff, watched Big Fish, had deep and enlightening conversations, etc. It was nice. I had some good conversations with people this weekend (both live and through my laptop screen). Yeah, there's more... but you've probably stopped reading by this point anyway.

the legend of the navy blue gloves

OK, so all this week I have wished to own a pair of gloves b/c as we all know it has been freezing cold this week. If you read the earlier post in which I mostly complain about stuff entitled something like "Post Christmas feelings: a christmas of gloves" you will know already that everyone received gloves in my family except for me. Yes, so anyway... I had finally decided to buy gloves before work on Friday since I'd have to be at the mall anyway, and after the long trudge to student drive to retrieve my cold, lonely car I was glad that I had decided this. That's when I looked through the window and saw them... a pair of navy blue gloves sitting on the seat of my car. I know what you're thinking: something like "well how did they get there?" right? yeah, well I wondered the same thing. I have never to my knowledge seen these gloves in my life. It was amazing and unsettling at the same time. (Yes, my car was locked, and no, the gloves definately weren't there when I left from home.) So yeah, that's the story. It's completely factual.

Where the heck am I going to live next year?

Yeah, it may seem early to be worrying about where I'll live come next fall, but it has lately been plaguing my mind. I mean it doesn't look like Carol and I will be rooming together next year since we have different friends for the most part, so not only am I supposed to find a room, but I need to find a roommate. (It doesn't particularly help that I hang out with guys a lot as they cannot move in with any of them for obvious reasons.)

So yeah, some people are talking about Huffman, and that could be cool, but I really don't know if I will have a spot anywhere. I might have to put myself at the mercy of the housing people to pick a random roommate for me, which could be potentially be disastrous.

But then this past week I found out about this environmental group on campus called SEAC, and they are attempting to get a theme house on Polo approved for next year... that could be really cool. Too bad I really don't know any of them besides Sarah. She does seem really nice, excited, and cool though, so if the others are like her, it could be an awesome experience. Of course it would be super weird to not live on the main part of campus... everyone is so close to me now, but if I lived on Polo, I'd have to probably drive to see people. Although... living in a house with an actual kitchen, living room, etc. would be amazing. Not to mention how close I could get to the other people living their and the fun times we'd have. (and of course, we could unite under the common cause of making the world a better place, and that's always good. On a side note: I hate it when people put regular trash in the recylcling been. You really shouldn't do that b/c then they can't recycle any of it.) Man, this is a lot to take in though. I'm awful at making decisions anyway. Sometimes I wish life weren't so complicated. Everything seems to be complicated now. I mean one could argue that that stuff makes life more interesting, and it does... but it also makes it so much harder. Sometimes I wish I could just get a direct and clear message from God telling me what I should do. Is that too much to ask?

thoughts after the crazy night

Ummm yeah, I haven't slept more than maybe an hour in the past 34 hours. This may be a record. This of course is due to the wake vs. unc basketball game that occured just an hour or so ago. Yeah, so around 900 people camped out last night in front of the Joel coliseum. Let me just say that this is about the craziest thing ever mostly because it was in the twenties last night. Yes, it was so freakin cold that I literally just jumped around and shuffled my feet back and forth for hours on end. Oh, and then there was the whole alcohol issue. People were generally not crazy drunks, but the mess they left behind of shattered glass and empty brightly-colored cups is just not acceptable in my opinion. On a related topic, I put in my order for the Johnson T-Shirt today with Hall, so that should be good.

The good parts of the L-O-N-G night:
-eating pizza at Burke St. Pizza for the first time (thanks for the recomendation, Johanna b/c it was awesome)
-meeting some people near me in line (it was strange... I met a girl named Beth from Summerville which is literally 17 miles from Moncks Corner, and then I met a guy from the ultimate frisbee team who is a friend of Tim's named Nick, and he seems pretty cool, too).
-drinking the hot chocolate at Jimmy the Greek's (yeah, it was my first time eating there... finally)
-spooning with Johanna and Will...yeah... too bad he has a boyfriend (I love Will)
-finally stepping inside to the warm building
-the bonding that occured
-watching Stowe crawl/stumble out of the window hatch door thing in the back of his car when he was barely awake.

Uh huh, so all that said, I suppose I'm mildly glad we did it. We've done it once, we don't have to do it again. (BECAUSE IT'S CRAZY!!) Yeah and we won, so that was nice. In addition, the game itself was a massive adrenaline rush, and it really was exciting. When we yelled our little phrases, they echoed, and that's just awesome. So yeah... I hate cold weather. There's just no way around that.

ok, so we've been here almost a week now

OK, so the first week back here is coming to an end. Man, it's so weird that it's only been a week. I really do feel like I've been here forever for once. Usually it's the opposite. I guess it's just not as new as it used to be. So yeah... the classes... I don't know really what to think just yet. I do think that I'm never going to stop reading this semester though b/c all of my classes are reading/writing based. So yeah, it's exciting to meet new people. I also like having class start a whole lot later. I really do think the ten o'clock hour for the first class is the best b/c it's pretty late, but you still get it out of the way and don't end up wasting your whole day.

As for this weekend... yeah, the big game is tomorrow. (UNC vs. Wake) It sucks b/c I really don't want to camp out in the coldness and wetness and drunkeness that will surely ensue. Don't get me wrong... I don't mind camping in general--you know, when you are with close friends and somewhere a little more remote. oh and not on cold, wet cement. So we'll see how that goes. I'd really like to actually sleep tonight, though.

Wow, this is weird... I really don't have much to say now. Wow, it was pretty cool that my last post got two comments so that it actually makes sense b/c the little thing says "1 comments" when there's just one, and we all know that doesn't make grammatical sense. I apologize. Yeah this post was boring. oops.

back.

Yep, so here I am... back at Wake. It's interesting really to see people again after a month. People I never really talked to smile at me and ask me how my break was. I almost want to type out my thoughts on the break, print them out on little slips of paper, and hand them out. (But I guess that'd be kind of anti-social and impersonal.) Really though, if you ask me as you're walking by do you really want more than a few words in response? Darn it, sometimes I wish we could all be real with eachother. None of this feigned kindness if you really don't care. How different would everything be then? Man, politicians wouldn't know what to do all day. No more kissing babies and shaking hands. But no, we all play the game anyway. Some of us better than others of course.

Alright, I suppose that was kind of negative. It's cool though b/c I think Andrew is the only person that actually reads any of this at all.

Yeah, so classes start back up tomorrow. Interesting. If you care, here are the classes I'm taking:
Philosophy intro
Intro to Environmental Studies
History 103 (crap, this is going to suck)
Psychological Utopias (the fys that seems cool, but has a butt-load of reading--7 books)
and hopefully Interpersonal Communication (although I am currently on the wait-list for this)

It should be exciting though. Finally an opportunity to maybe meet some new people. The first week or so of classes is nice, too b/c you don't have to worry about tests and grades yet, and the stuff is still new and intriguing.

dentists, doctors, and monsters

OK, so the phone rings at 8:15 this morning... oh by the way, the phone is conveniently located right behind my bed. Luckily, my mom is still home, so she picks up the phone as I roll over carefully as to preserve the sleep-status. See, once I open my eyes and look around I typically have a hard time falling back to sleep. Anyway, just as I start to forgive the crazy person for calling so early, my mom yells up the stairs saying the phone is for me. As you can imagine, a bunch of things are running through my head at this point. (a. who the heck calls this early? b. no one ever calls me anyway... who the heck wants to talk to me at 8:15 in the morning? c. I automatically dislike this person.) Anyway, so I pick up the phone, and it's one of the receptionists at the dentist's office b/c my dad told them yesterday that if they could fit me in at all to call.

OK, so I get up ridiculously early on one of my last days to sleep late for months, throw on some clothes, and make a quick banana smoothie. Of course when I get there, I look around for some reading material. You know... perhaps a catalog or something. Nope, all I see are hunting magazines and the Holy Bible. Hmmm... interesting combination. Please don't think that I'm knocking the Bible b/c I'm not. It would just be sort of weird to read the Bible in a waiting room. So I sit there for 15 minutes just staring at the Magnolia inspired decor. (Of course this guy comes in and of all places to sit, he sits directly across from me, so we both attempt to divert our eyes so as not to stare at each other.)

So they call me in, and I take a seat in the chair that I have come to despise and fear. I've never had any cavaties and still don't, but had some crappy experiences with dentists and orthodontists in the past. (Ex #1: had braces from 5th grade to 12th grade---7 1/2 years, Ex #2: I've had 16 teeth pulled Ex #3: I accidentally bit one of the receptionists once... I don't know how it happened, it wasn't intentional... it just happened). Anyway, the woman proceeds to cram that slide thing in my mouth for the x-rays (the whole x-ray thing creeps me out in the first place. I mean, if you're not supposed to get x-rays taken when you're pregnant, they must do something bad, right?) After trying three times, she states that the computer has been acting up, and the attempts have been in vain. She then proceeds to pick at my teeth with shiny, sharp objects for what seems like hours, tells me I need to floss or I'll "lose my pretty teeth," and attempts to carry on a conversation with me while her hands are prying open my mouth. (I don't understand this... how the heck am I supposed to respond?)

Yeah, so I really don't like dentists, doctors, or monsters. In fact, I think I'd rather encounter a monster than a dentist any day of the week. (depending on the dentist I suppose.)

sappy remarks on the brother

OK, so I'm in a really good mood now. Yes, it's true. So I just got back from that movie Lemony Snicket: A Series of Unfortunate Events. There were only four of us in the theatre b/c who goes to see a kid's movie that's been out for three weeks at 4:35 on a Thursday afternoon? Anyway, I took my little brother, Stefan, because he has been diligently reading the books, I thought it'd be a nice bonding activity, and well... I didn't think anyone else would enjoy it as much as he would.

[Side note: Stefan looks a lot younger than he actually is, so he fascinates people b/c he's a pretty intelligent and really funny guy. oh, and he's really cute, and still has that child-like innocence thing working for him. He looks like that kid in the Old Navy commercials... Stefan gets mad at him for "stealing his identity."]

So yeah, the movie was fun and definately aesthetically pleasing, but that is not the point of this. The point is that I'm a fan of sibling quality time together. Yeah, so we usually give eachother a hard time as siblings should, but today we were able to put all of that aside, and it was lovely.

Anyway, after we went to Fazoli's, I was dreading the drive back home... that is until I popped in a CD. (OK, yes, if you know me at all, you probably know it was a Jump, Little Children CD. No, I do listen to other bands... it's true, I promise, but yes, it was a Jump CD. Magazine in case you're interested.) Anyway, as usual I was singing along, but then something amazing and quite touching happened. Stefan started singing along in that pre-puberty voice of his. Oh man, it was so cute. Of course he botched some of the lyrics, but that only made the whole thing more endearing.

So yes, that is why I'm in a good mood. I've been struggling some with not being home as he's growing up b/c I miss moments like these. It sucks, you know? I mean I won't be there when he brings home his first girl friend or during his awful band practices (yeah, he just started playing the drums). *Sigh* It's moments like tonight's that make me happy to have such an amazing little brother.

The best feelings... well in my opinion

[These are in no particular order.]

1. Cold shower after long run on hot day (esp. the cold water on face... oh, it's so nice. My face does that really cute thing where it gets ridiculously red if I do any exercise at all or if I get nervous for some reason.)

2. Hot showers on really cold, rainy days

3. Clean sheets (yes, I'll admit it here, but never to my mom: I actually really enjoy doing laundry. Finding the time to do it and the empty machines... now that's a different story. I just love that fresh out of the dryer smell and warmth. I want to jump into it sometimes, but I usually refrain.)

4. Waking up at around 3 AM and knowing you still have a good 6 hours of sleep. Oh my, how I do love this!

5. Getting in bed after a long day

6. Sitting down after an excellent concert (preferably Jump, Little Children)

7. Hearing an old song on the radio that you forgot existed, but you love it and sing your lungs out

8. When the noise the car signal makes coincides with the rhythm of the song you're listening to... yes, this is always super wonderful and rare.

9. Turning on the radio and the song that has been stuck in your head all day is playing

10. Eating at your favorite restaraunt (sp?) after a long period of absence (I like Fazoli's, Mellow Mushroom, Andolini's, The Olive Garden, and well, as you may have guessed--really any Italian restaurant. Although, it is nice to get over to Sonic every once and a while.)

OK, so that's all for now. I will probably update this though.

New Years

OK, so before I actually get into New Years, I feel it is important to say that I went to Dock Street again on the 30th. They are just that good. I went alone this time, but it worked out b/c I ended up getting a better seat than I would have had I been with people b/c I moved to an empty one in the front row of one of the balconies. Anyway, it was awesome, but I feel like I've exhausted myself by telling about it so much, so I'll spare you in this blog. I'll try to post some pictures when we get back to school.

That said, onto New Years. OK I really think New Years is a pretty stupid reason to drink and hook up with someone. If that is how you justify your naughty behavior, well then shame on you. To start the new year drunk, well hey that's a great start, don't you think. I mean I especially liked seeing the 15 or so cop cars on the highway on the way home shining a flashlight over the road and to the side most likely in search of a body from the awful car wreck. (Can you sense my sarcasm?) Just to let you know, I'm not neccesarily saying the party I went to was a drunken fest b/c it wasn't. I'm just making a blanket statement. I do not say this b/c I am bitter... oh no, on the contrary I actually did do something last night (as much to my surprise as yours, I'm sure). Yeah, I went over to a friend's house from high school, and hung out for a while. Although it was a little rough in the beginning when I only knew the five guys and none of the girls in the flock, eventually some came that I did know. So yeah, it wasn't a bad night, really. It was interesting to see some kids from high school. Yes, I say interesting b/c well I just like observing people, and this was a good opportunity for that (and I wasn't really friends with some of them in the first place although some I wish I had been closer to).

So yes, with Dock Street and New Years over I truly have nothing this week to look forward to...well, there's always the hope that someone will want to go see a movie, but I can't really count on that.