detached.

Man, yesterday I was in a weird mood. I guess it was because I was sick, but I really can't blame it on meds since I didn't take any. I'm kind of against medication when it can be avoided. Actually, this dislike/fear of doctors and medicine has been in my family for a while. I recently found out that my great grandmother basically died because she refused to go to the doctor after chronic severe stomach problems, and then her spleen or something ruptured. (OK, that was a tangent, and it didn't really help my case at all.) Really though, I think my immune system is better because it actually gets to work out. Maybe my bizarre behavior yesterday was just my own immune system secreting something resembling medication that made me feel/act so weird.

I just literally didn't feel like doing anything, but it wasn't just slough because I didn't want to do nothing but I didn't want to do anything. (you might have to read that sentence a few times, but it really does make sense. I promise.) I didn't even want to sleep. That's how weird it was. I just literally didn't want to even be. and it wasn't even because I felt crappy because I really didn't. I know this emotion is hardly warranted when my life is compared to that of others. I know this.

Then later on I was especially hyper even though I had not taken in any caffeine. It was like my body just forgot to secrete some hormone and then put out a whole lot of it at once to make up for it. Looking back on it makes me wonder if that is what it is like to be depressed... if depression is some sort of hormonal imbalance. It makes sense. That is so crazy though. I don't know if it's worse to not feel anything or to feel too much--like too much lonliness or sadness or heartbreak or helplessness. There must be different types of depression that are really almost opposites if you think about it. Really though, is it better to not feel at all or to feel awful inside? sometimes I wonder.