"the pit of darkness and despair"

Do you ever feel like you're not really living? Like you're just going through the motions? You smile at people as they walk by you, go to church most of the time, do your homework, show up in class, and call home; but nothing really seems to mean anything. That is where I am, and it sucks.

I want to live life and love life, but I just can't seem to feel any emotions really. It's like that quote from the movie Waking Life: "It seems like everyone is sleep-walking through their waking state or wake-walking through their dreams." I feel like I'm in that dream-like state, but my dreams are much better than my real life, so the analogy is a little off.

But then again I do have one overriding emotion: lonliness, so I guess I'm not living entirely as if I were on some mind-numbing drugs. I mean I've had some decent conversations with people lately, but in a way that just makes me more lonely b/c then I know what I'm missing. Yeah, a lot of the music I've been listening to lately is really mellow, too, so that probably doesn't help. There are some great songs about lonliness though. (Great as in poetic and evoking emotions.)

-"A baby sleeps in all our bones so scared to be alone" --Iron and Wine

-"So I look in your direction/But you pay me no attention/And you know how much I need you/But you never even see me"--Coldplay

-"Now I long for that embrace/The strongest arms and troubled face/Smokey air and autumn grey/That make me feel safe" --Jump, Little Children

-"Sometimes I'd like to just ask her/what honest words/she can't afford to say, like/'I want your flowers like babies want God's love or maybe as sure as tomorrow will come'"--Iron and Wine

Yeah, you get the picture. Darn it, I hate being lonely. I want to love life with someone. This is not a cry for help, and I'm not at all saying I'm desperate. I'm just sick of waiting to get swept off my feet by life.

This guy Anthony wrote this:
"We know that our dreams will be achieved, but only if we partake on a dangerous journey through the pits of darkness and despair. Only after we overcome our trials; once we receive our lashings will he have a chance to taste the wine of forever and joy on our lips."
And that is pretty much how it is. Right now I'm in that pit of darkness, but I'm hoping it will all be worth it. That is one of the few things I have hope in. I figure once I do find that person I connect with it will be that much better. It's got to be.