silent confessions

some things I couldn't tell you:

I still have dreams about you sometimes even though I told myself I got over you last summer.

I looked through all 158 picture of you and your girlfriend even though I haven't talked to you in a year and a half.

I knew this would happen when you gushed to me about her after that first night you spent together. Don't you get it? The beauty of your writing coincides with your anger, your despair, and your desire for something better. I haven't heard you complain in months. I haven't heard you at all. You've stopped writing all-together.


things I don't even want to hear:

you gave college too much credit. you still don't know what you're going to do with your life, and guess what... you still don't have a boyfriend. (and you're not even sure you want one anymore.) If you were a boy, you wouldn't want to date you either.

home hasn't been the same since high school. you don't recognize half the people at church. no one even knows who you are when you come home. people can't hid their dissaproval at choosing to be an English major. You see through that subtle head shake and know they're thinking but you had so much potential.

your father resembles your grandfather more every day.

you're putting up a front... only which one is it? is this all a bunch of "creative writing" or is it the truth?


___________________________________________
I'm frightened of what these words might bring,
but it's important for me to remember these things.

Have you ever taken a look at the books on the shelf at the coffee shop on campus?

we've got The Canadians
The Essential Fat Gram Counter for Ethnic Dining
The Rhetoric of Sexuality and the Literature of the French Renaissance
The Best Short Plays 1982-1983
Alaska Cruises and orts of Call
Memoirs of Medieval Women
and my personal favorite: Help for Shy People

I just don't even know what to make of this.

in 2 weeks I'll be in bed... hibernating for a good 36 hours straight

I am unsure if I should be thankful that there are only two weeks or if I should be terrified that I only have two weeks left with which to complete my growing mountain of work.
I keep thinking to myself only two weeks left! The end is so close! But then I realize crap the end is so close. I'll never finish it all. It's a conflict really.

Food has become a burden... that's when you know it's bad. I get frustrated that I have to schedule time in for eating when I could be doing other things. speaking of...

hot pursuit

So I've had these odd dreams the last two consecutive nights.

Thursday night: that woman from the CSI episode on cults (we watched it in my religious cults and sects class a while back) and I were running away (presumably from a cult we had joined). We had to run through dense woods and through many abandoned houses and barns while these people were running after us. Right when we would think we had successfully ditched them by hiding in a barn or in the woods, these zombie like creatures would come out of hiding and chase us and try to kill us. (Yes... the cult members had turned into zombies of some sort). It was pretty disturbing.

Friday night: I was in a hospital, and I was being chases again, but the circumstances had changed. This time I was running away from Edward Norton for some reason. It was bizarre... towards the beginning of the dream, there was a table with three books on it: The Red Dragon, Hanibal, and Silence of the Lambs, so I guess that's where Edward Norton comes from, but he was the bad guy, and he was creepy. You would think you'd be safe in a hospital (and you'd think I'd want to run toward Edward Norton and wrap my arms around him), but it was anything but safe. It was a frantic chase up and down deserted hosptial floors and in and out of rooms. One door opened to a huge, strange gymnasium sort of room with a sort of an obstacle course. I climbed to the top so that I could at least see Edward coming, but instead of Edward Norton, all of the sudden Andrew Martin (who lives with me in the Eco house) opened the door and started chasing me. Luckily, for some reason, Erin Evans (my boss at the bookstore) saw it all happening and yelled at him saying he was fired. (I think she got him confused with Steve who did work at the bookstore last year because Andrew definitely doesn't.) Yeah... that was about when I woke up.

more with studying abroad

My latest fling = Copenhagen. I stumbled across this website a few weeks ago actually, but it has really started to catch my attention. OK, so it doesn't look like the classes would be a breeze at all, but they do look interesting/intriguing for sure. You basically have to pick a focus program and then you get to add electives of your choice. I think I'd go with the Psychology program--the specialty is about childhood disorders and about child psychology in general, which I think would be great if I decide I want to go into education or be a school psychologist. The class requires 50-60 hours of fieldwork, which is overwhealming, but would be very rewarding. Basically all day Thursdays, I'd be working directly with kids. They've also got some cool-sounding lit classes: Kierkengaard: Philosophy and Meaning in Life, The Making of the Modern Self, Hans Christian Anderson and the Danish Golden Age. The first two classes are also philosophy classes which would be so great since I've been wanting to take more philosophy classes anyway. Yes, so I think I'm going to really try to go there. The question now is: should I take Italian this spring just in case Copenhagen doesn't work out? I don't know. If I don't take it, I definitely won't be able to go to Venice with Wake. I just don't know if that'd be the right program for me though. I really would like to meet people from other schools and to have more options as far as classes go. So we'll see.

I have this great story to tell you about a pair of shoes, but I will leave that for another day. I need to get down to some paper-writing now.

exhibit B

exhibit B
Originally uploaded by kowars4.

written on a bathroom wall
(please read entry from 11/4 for more info)

Do you believe in signs?

So for the past two weeks, I've really been trying to decide about whether or not I will go abroad next fall. If you had asked me three years ago if I planned to study abroad in college, I would have surely answered with an emphatic "yes!" but it's so late in the game now that it's serioulsy a pain in the butt to find the write program. Then I found out the English dept. is going to Venice, and I thought huh... maybe it'll be Venice, then. So I decided to look for signs because as you probably know, I am horrible at making decisions. Really, it's bad, and I'm sort of embarrassed about it because it's not like I don't have opinions or goals. I just always wish I could see ahead to learn which option will turn out to be better. It's so hard when you don't know who you'd end up living with over there, you know? Yes... so back to the signs. Here goes nothing:

Exihibit A:
ok, so I happened to be sitting in the international/travel section in Borders, so this may not exactly be too crazy, but these two people proceeded to talk about Venice for like 30 minutes right in front of me. Interesting, but like I said, some skeptics may claim that the likelihood that something like that would happen increased dramatically since I was in that section. So, I wasn't sure what to make of that and just noted it.

Exhibit B:
please see the picture that hopefully I uploaded correctly to my blog. (wow, this will be the first picture!)
yes, I saw this written on a bathroom wall. The quote is crazy enough as it is, but then there was my name at the bottom of it. Now if that isn't a sign, what is?!

Additionally, I would have to take summer school in order to knock out my remaining divisionals, and I thought this would stop me from going abroad, but I was complaining to Shelia Lockheart of the Religion dept., and she told me I could stay in one of the guest rooms in her house over the summer. wow and wow. Some people are just so nice it makes me wonder if there is something wrong or different about them for being so nice or if there is something wrong about everyone else.

Yes, so I think I am meant to go abroad. Now the question will just be... where? and how the heck am I going to pay for it?

The American Nightmare

OK, so I'm a bit hesitant about putting this out here since I haven't thought it through nearly enough yet, but oh well. I had a revelation this week... maybe on Monday, I'm not sure. I've got an idea for a book that would actually challenge people and hopefully convey some new or unspoken ideas. I realize this is a big claim to make, and that chances are I will no doubt be restating the ideas of someone else. (Please see my post from August 23rd about original thoughts... and then read the comment I added under Sarah's.)

So here it is: pursuit of the "American Dream" is ruining America. In a society where everyone is looking out for their own interests and trying to get the most they can out of life, The gap between the rich and the poor is getting larger and larger; a canyon is forming that eventually will cause such a rift that huge consequences will ensue. I mean check out these startling statistics from 2004: The top 1% of the wealthiest people in the nation got 17% of all income nationwide. The bottom 90 percent got less than 58% (http://www.csmonitor.com/2006/1002/p15s01-cogn.html). I mean what the heck is that?

The American Dream is instilling horrible tendencies in people today. They'll have you think that you won't be happy if you don't make a lot of money, marry someone beautiful and successful at a young age, and wear a suit to work. Seriously though, what does this "dream" say about our society? It says that the IDEAL here is to cover your ass and to make as much money as possible. What an egocentric idea is that?! Forget about all the problems caused on your way to becoming "successful." What is "successful" anyway? How do we define that? Our idea of success has become so twisted. It's sick.

Maybe if we stopped looking out for ourselves, and actually cared about what's going on around us and helping people, America wouldn't suck so much. We need to re-think these goals and ideals that are corrupting our society.

Alright, that's all I've got for now. You can write me off as naive, hopelessly idealistic, crazy, arrogant, or whatever now.

a social experiment of sorts

I have decided to conduct a social experiment of sorts. You know how people are constantly talking on their cell phones on the way to class? Well I'm going to make a concerted effort to listen in on these conversations (yes, I will eavesdrop), and I'll carry around a notebook in which to record snipits of conversations... I think it will shed a light on the state of college students and society today. I do not expect to get really uplifting results. I wonder what this says about me--that I would chose to take on such a project that I expect to have negative results. I will try to keep this bias in check.

the source of inspiration: a girl talking on the phone, "Whatever. We hate her, and that's all that matters."

so yeah, I'll give you a list at some point then.

and... there are so many things I've been meaning to write about. Hopefully I will get around to that at some point.

The thing about reading is this:

I feel like the more I read, the more things that I can't write about because someone has already done it... and done a good job of it. There are so many good analogies or little tangents that I come across reading and think man, I wish I had come up with that or said that first. Of course these sorts of experiences can also help someone develop their style and come up with other illustrations as well. It's tricky though. Sometimes I feel like it's getting harder and harder to say something original.

I learned a new word today: "kitschy." I actually saw it on an article from the student webpage, too, so kudos to whoever wrote the bit about restaurants.

(In case you're wondering, kitsch-something of tawdry design, appearance, or content created to appeal to popular or undiscriminating taste. The sentence they give is this: “When money tries to buy beauty it tends to purchase a kind of courteous kitsch” (William H. Gass).

so there you have it.

what's been bothering me lately:

1. the contraction "won't" -- I mean really what the heck is that a contraction for anyway? Last time I checked, "wo" is not a word. Shouldn't it be "willn't?"

2. when people drive down one-way parking lot lanes going the wrong direction and then look at you like you're the stupid one.

3. debauchery in general.

another addiction...?

honestly, I can of hesitate to advertise this, but here it is:
http://www.myspace.com/ocean_of_crashes

I don't currently have any friends, but I have put in a request for zach braff (who is a new jump, little chidren convert: http://vids.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=vids.individual&videoid=1064544343).


so I have a confession to make... a pretty big one at that. So on Sunday morning I went to church (as typical), but a great portion of the time spent there I found myself thinking about anything other than what was actually going around. It was awful, I felt guilty, but I couldn't really get myself to focus. Then, on the way home I was listening to Coldplay (sort of a flashback to my coldplay-obsessed days), and it hit me that I was having a more "spiritual" time with the music than I had in church. I just don't know what to make of that. You might say that people use music to glorify God, and that's often true, but I don't think that's what was going on in me. For the most part, I can't stand listening to Christian music (at least not the obviously Christian music). Live stuff is ok, but recorded stuff is awful to me and just comes of as cheesy.
I'm trying to live life on my own, without any help from God... we'll see how destructive this turns out to be.

man, you should try the meatless meatballs... they're excellent

So what if instead of speaking in tongues everyone just started dancing dances of native cultures or even ballet or break dancing... anything different. Man, that would be so cool. I'd much rather do that than speak in tongues. Language (at least the speaking kind) is so over-rated. Don't get me wrong... I understand that spoken language is important, but it can be such a barrier sometimes.

So I had my first experience at The Garage (a small music venue/bar in winston-salem), and it was interesting. Man the people alone were virtually worth the 7 bucks. It's that indie crowd of boys in tight clothing and free-spirited girls with long flowing hair. These people just radiate beauty and intrigue. I just sat on the side on a couch and watched people while appeciating the music. Some guy started talking to me, but I'm afraid I'm just not good with making small talk. I don't know. something about it seems so fake. He accused me of dating one of the band members, which was amusing. I guess that was how he justified my lack of interest. (Of course it was probably the only clean cut boy with short blonde hair in the entire place that sat by me. Not exactly my type since middle school.) I want to go back though.

goals accomplished

So I'd say I accomplished some summer-long goals today.

1. I ran to the guard gate at the beginning of the island today--6 miles... oh yeah... and it was like 94 degrees. I have been running four miles daily, but decided to go all out today. It felt so good to accomplish this goal.

2. (the lesser of the three goals (?)) I started (again for the third time) Kurt Vonnegaut's (sp?) book Cat's Cradle with honest intentions of finishing it. It's not that I didn't enjoy it the first two times, I just got side-tracked. You know how that goes.

2. I walked out to the crab dock (this mile-long trail through the woods) by myself without a flashlight. This is sort of a big deal. I was only the third staff member to do it in the past four years. On more than one occassion I heard loud noises right off the path that made me freeze in my tracks as if I were the deer. I walked the whole way with my left hand over my heart so that with every sound of rustling, I could feel my heartbeat pick up speed and intensity (which of course only made it worse. I was getting nervous about being nervous.) I didn't know if I should be making a lot of noise or if I should be silent. The whole experience made me pray harder than I've prayed in a LONG time, and it was certainly humbling.

a little quote for you:

"I have no idea how people function without near-constant internal chaos. I'd lose my mind" (A Heartbreaking work of Staggering Genius 214).

sometimes I wonder if I'm crazy, but then I think that I'd have it no other way.
people sometimes tell me that they wonder what is going on in my head, but that's the way I like it... most of the time.

rain

It's raining right now, and I'm lying in bed--in my bed no less--listening to "Upward Over the Mountain" by Iron and Wine, and well... it's nice. I feel safe and warm and content. You know what? You wanna hear a secret? The beauty of it is that I'm actually really enjoying this solitary time. For the first time in a long time I'm really not focusing any of my attention or intentions on a boy, and it's liberating really. I guess I have felt this sort of freedom for a few weeks now. I'll be honest... at first it was actually just really depressing because I felt like I had nothing to attain, no one to hope for, but as time passed, I began to relish the feeling of independence. Of course this feeling is dangerous... I can see myself more and more accepting the mindset that I can do it all on my own--that I'm unstoppable, invincible, and somehow above all the people struggling with emotions and love, but for now anyway, I'm content to wait my turn. Some day I will meet the right guy, everything will click, and we can disappear together. I will find someone who can take one look at me and know what I am thinking.

The rain falls harder now, and I can't help but ponder the possible symbolism it conveys.

while sitting outside of java java today...

"From the tip of every branch, like a fat purple fig, a wonderful future beckoned and winked. [...] I saw myself sitting in the crotch of this fig tree, starving to death just because I couldn't make up my mind which of the figs I would choose. I wanted each and every one of them, but choosing one meant losing all the rest, and, and I sat there, unable to decide, the figs began to wrinkle and go black, and, one by one, they plopped to the ground at my feet" (Plath, The Bell Jar 62-63).

isn't that how it is? man I really just don't want to have to make decisions. I watched some of the people walking around "freshfields" on kiawah island today, and it looks like they have it all, but for some reason, I just can't imagine they're happy. I know that's an unfair judgement, but I don't want to be like that. I don't want to have to live a certain way to fulfill certain and specific unspoken rules. I read today in a profile of the lead guy from the brunettes that his life goal is to "find the right girl and disappear." What a thrilling goal that is--to disappear with the one you love because nothing else matters; your life is not governed by the raucous sound of paradoxically deafening unspoken rules. I don't know... sometimes I look at people, and I just want to shake them and say, are you happy? are you even alive?

today I truly witnessed one of the most amazing things I've ever seen

So we were on the beach swimming with all the kids... the weather was pretty crappy to begin with: really cloudy and lightly raining, but no thunder/lightening, so it was a go. It started raining harder, so we got all the kids out of the water, and right about when everyone was out, the sky exploded. It rained harder than I've ever seen it rain. Within seconds there was about an inch or two of water covering the beach. (it was low tide, so there was a lot of naked beach.) The water was so deep on the beach that it covered my feet. We couldn't see where the ocean started because of all the water. It was seriously amazing. Mean while the rain was pelting so hard that every kid out there just started screaming at the top of their lungs. It was absolute melee, but it was glorious. It was one of those moments you wish you could share with everyone. It was raining so hard, the rain pelted the sea flat. There were no waves. It got so thick you couldn't see more than five feet out into the water.

well...

I'm not a teenager anymore.

if you don't know who dr. john carter is, you should.

So all of the sudden I have this desire to collect go milk? ads. go figure. apprently though, some people actually sell these things on ebay. Some people additionally sell "clippings" from magazines about random stars. It's sort of crazy really how long it must have took to assemble the 78 clippings of Heath Ledger or whoever else. Seriously, I found one women who must have had at least a thousand different people offered in her clippings. I'll be honest though... I would really enjoy that Noah Wyle got milk ad. All those ER re-runs have been getting to me, and oh man, Dr. John Carter is hot.