but I don't want it to end...

in some strange way it seems to me that if I post something now, before tomorrow night, part of me will always be waiting for that last show. Earlier tonight I thought I’d actually be OK with this being the end, but lately I decided that it is definitely going to be rough afterall—devastating even. No more shows to look forward to with certainty. I need to keep reminding myself that the guys deserve to take a break, to be happy, and to do their own thing. I’m sure we will meet again some day. I have to think that.

Tonight was lovely by the way. I'm hoping tomorrow night will be spectactular.

another Christmas has passed...

Man, for some reason I am just rarely in the whole Christmas mood. It comes in spurts... all of the sudden I'll start singing a random Christmas carol in the kitchen or whatever, but that's about it. It's not like I want it to be that way. I sort of secretly want to be one of those people who is totally into Christmas, etc. just because they get so happy and into it and all, but I just can't dig up those sort of feelings.

Christmas this year was not much unlike Christmases of the past for me anyway. My mom insisted on buying me a bunch of stuff I'd never pick out for myself--her theme was pajamas this year. (I guess this is because of the whole in the butt of my favorite pajama pants... which by they way no one at the house told me about. I wonder how long it has been there.) So yeah... I got three pj sets more or less with christmas decorations on them. If you know me well (/live in the house) you know that I am often clad in pajama pants, and I just don't want to be wearing pj's with dalmations holding christmas presents on them in august. I don't know. I sound like an awful spoiled brat or something, but trust me... I don't like enjoy the whole process largely because it stresses my mom out since she always struggles with what to buy me. She does this thing--looks down and sort of does this odd smile/frown thing, and says, "yeah, I didn't think you'd really like them anyway. We can return them I guess." It just sucks.

So yeah... yesterday was pretty much a marathon shopping day. The highlites: I found a pretty sweet dress for dockstreet for $31 dollars. It was exciting. I will not go into how I feel about dockstreet quite yet. that will come. I also got a multitude of other things while shopping. Lately I have been using the word "multitude" a lot--just so you know.

I found this ironic:

at JC Penny, the sexy lingerie area is located right next to the maternity clothes area. ha... haha. I don't know... I thought it was pretty funny at the time.

high expectations

Man, you know it’s a good commercial when you see it, and you want to buy it even though you know from experience that it's just not that good. I was psyched about the Sonic Gingerbread Blast milkshake for days, and after my mom bought me one, I proclaimed my happiness, but after I had tried it, I found it did not live up to my high expectations. (so many commas.) my high expectations often mess up everything. I mean I know I should have high expectations for life and other random things sometimes, but it sucks when they’re just never met. I could go on about this for quite awhile and complain about my (lack of a) love life, but I will spare you.

let's talk about the weather--that's safe.

Everyone keeps saying that it's so cold here, but it's really not. I can go outside most of the time without a jacket (during the day), and it's been into the 50's and 60's. I guess it just seems warmer coming from Winston-Salem where I left behind freezing rain and wintry mixes.

been sitting around like a bum the last few days. I've been trying like mad to get a job. The manager at American Eagle actually recognizes me when I walk in now (I'm not sure if this is a good thing or not). Dad told me I had to be aggressive, so I've been trying. I still hadn't received any phone calls despite the promise from the woman at AE, so I went back today. After stopping in at a few stores I had applied to earlier, I was walking back out to my car when I decided to stop at one more place... Sam Goody. I chatted with the two women behind the counter only to later find out that one of them was the manager--which actually was perfect since I didn't really have the time to get nervous, and I was more myself up until then). Anyway, I filled out some forms, and she told me they'd have to do a background check on me, but she told me to fill out some W-4 forms (and that is a good sign) and to come back in a day or two and I could start working. So this is extremely good news. I don't know why I didn't stop in there before. I don't have to worry about wearing clothing the store sells every day since they don't sell clothes there, and there doesn't seem to be a real dress code, and they sell music and dvd's and stuff which is better than clothes anyday. Plus, they're right across from a coffee place. oh yes, this is going to be the beautiful start of something.

been getting darn sentimental lately thinking about the end of my favorite band, Jump, Little Children. No more stand-up shows. No more eagerly waiting for hours to see them. No more road trips. It's all just really sad. And I only just started to actually talk to the guys. (esp at the most recent show at NCSA--which I technically shouldn't have been allowed to see. I actually helped them unload their stuff though... it was great.) I know this is bad and may be unhealthy, but I really, really have enjoyed going to their shows. It has given me something to look forward to, and well after 12/30, there will be no more. I mean my favorite band isn't one of those that sells out amphitheatres and tours maybe once every three years. You actually get to talk to them, and you could reach out and touch them at shows if you wanted to b/c they're that close. plus, they're just so real. ok, I should stop now because you probably think I'm crazy.

Time to make some dinner para la familia.

detached.

Man, yesterday I was in a weird mood. I guess it was because I was sick, but I really can't blame it on meds since I didn't take any. I'm kind of against medication when it can be avoided. Actually, this dislike/fear of doctors and medicine has been in my family for a while. I recently found out that my great grandmother basically died because she refused to go to the doctor after chronic severe stomach problems, and then her spleen or something ruptured. (OK, that was a tangent, and it didn't really help my case at all.) Really though, I think my immune system is better because it actually gets to work out. Maybe my bizarre behavior yesterday was just my own immune system secreting something resembling medication that made me feel/act so weird.

I just literally didn't feel like doing anything, but it wasn't just slough because I didn't want to do nothing but I didn't want to do anything. (you might have to read that sentence a few times, but it really does make sense. I promise.) I didn't even want to sleep. That's how weird it was. I just literally didn't want to even be. and it wasn't even because I felt crappy because I really didn't. I know this emotion is hardly warranted when my life is compared to that of others. I know this.

Then later on I was especially hyper even though I had not taken in any caffeine. It was like my body just forgot to secrete some hormone and then put out a whole lot of it at once to make up for it. Looking back on it makes me wonder if that is what it is like to be depressed... if depression is some sort of hormonal imbalance. It makes sense. That is so crazy though. I don't know if it's worse to not feel anything or to feel too much--like too much lonliness or sadness or heartbreak or helplessness. There must be different types of depression that are really almost opposites if you think about it. Really though, is it better to not feel at all or to feel awful inside? sometimes I wonder.