cathartic

Ummm... I'm not depressed. I just thought I should clarify that b/c the last post was pretty down. I think writing that stuff down even helped. Cathartic. Lot of people lately have had emotional blowouts. It seems almost trendy. Carol (the roommate) said that her next goal was to find me a boyfriend. haha. good luck with that. I guess my mood could be traced to two key things:
1. I haven't been doing the God thing lately. (what's with closing churches when the weather isn't perfect? that's just not cool.) I think since I haven't gone to church the past couple of weeks that I've come to the conclusion that my faith should not be church-based. I should not be relying on that as my only means of religiousness. I need to be actively reading the Bible and praying. I did this last night, and today has already been better.
2. I am lonely, and I am tired of waiting for the right guy for me. (not that that means I will cease to wait and just settle for anyone b/c that is definately not true. I'm pretty picky.)

Yep, so don't be nervous for me. I'm ok, I promise.

"the pit of darkness and despair"

Do you ever feel like you're not really living? Like you're just going through the motions? You smile at people as they walk by you, go to church most of the time, do your homework, show up in class, and call home; but nothing really seems to mean anything. That is where I am, and it sucks.

I want to live life and love life, but I just can't seem to feel any emotions really. It's like that quote from the movie Waking Life: "It seems like everyone is sleep-walking through their waking state or wake-walking through their dreams." I feel like I'm in that dream-like state, but my dreams are much better than my real life, so the analogy is a little off.

But then again I do have one overriding emotion: lonliness, so I guess I'm not living entirely as if I were on some mind-numbing drugs. I mean I've had some decent conversations with people lately, but in a way that just makes me more lonely b/c then I know what I'm missing. Yeah, a lot of the music I've been listening to lately is really mellow, too, so that probably doesn't help. There are some great songs about lonliness though. (Great as in poetic and evoking emotions.)

-"A baby sleeps in all our bones so scared to be alone" --Iron and Wine

-"So I look in your direction/But you pay me no attention/And you know how much I need you/But you never even see me"--Coldplay

-"Now I long for that embrace/The strongest arms and troubled face/Smokey air and autumn grey/That make me feel safe" --Jump, Little Children

-"Sometimes I'd like to just ask her/what honest words/she can't afford to say, like/'I want your flowers like babies want God's love or maybe as sure as tomorrow will come'"--Iron and Wine

Yeah, you get the picture. Darn it, I hate being lonely. I want to love life with someone. This is not a cry for help, and I'm not at all saying I'm desperate. I'm just sick of waiting to get swept off my feet by life.

This guy Anthony wrote this:
"We know that our dreams will be achieved, but only if we partake on a dangerous journey through the pits of darkness and despair. Only after we overcome our trials; once we receive our lashings will he have a chance to taste the wine of forever and joy on our lips."
And that is pretty much how it is. Right now I'm in that pit of darkness, but I'm hoping it will all be worth it. That is one of the few things I have hope in. I figure once I do find that person I connect with it will be that much better. It's got to be.

a good weekend

So I had a pretty good weekend I'd say. It was nice, and I think it even gave me some hope that life can be pretty good. So let's see... Friday night I played a board game. Man, how I do miss playing board games. My mom bought so many of those things that they filled up almost a whole wall of shelves in the atic. It's a bit insane really, but anyway. yeah, so we played Sorry (of course I won). I have to warn you... I am pretty darn competitive when it comes to board games especially. Yep, so then on Saturday I had to get up early and walk upon the hazardous ice-covered bricks to work, but I have to say... work didn't turn out so bad at all. Pretty much no one came in, so the work was definately on the light side. Then I met this kid named Ryan who works at the book store, too, and we had some fun with the 5 disk CD changer. (Pure Dance 4, Pure techno, pure funk, you get the picture; basically everything is "pure.") Then some of his friends came in, so we just did the whole fire-side chat thing for a while. Then I did laundry, and that in itself is always exciting. Then we did some more stuff, watched Big Fish, had deep and enlightening conversations, etc. It was nice. I had some good conversations with people this weekend (both live and through my laptop screen). Yeah, there's more... but you've probably stopped reading by this point anyway.

the legend of the navy blue gloves

OK, so all this week I have wished to own a pair of gloves b/c as we all know it has been freezing cold this week. If you read the earlier post in which I mostly complain about stuff entitled something like "Post Christmas feelings: a christmas of gloves" you will know already that everyone received gloves in my family except for me. Yes, so anyway... I had finally decided to buy gloves before work on Friday since I'd have to be at the mall anyway, and after the long trudge to student drive to retrieve my cold, lonely car I was glad that I had decided this. That's when I looked through the window and saw them... a pair of navy blue gloves sitting on the seat of my car. I know what you're thinking: something like "well how did they get there?" right? yeah, well I wondered the same thing. I have never to my knowledge seen these gloves in my life. It was amazing and unsettling at the same time. (Yes, my car was locked, and no, the gloves definately weren't there when I left from home.) So yeah, that's the story. It's completely factual.

Where the heck am I going to live next year?

Yeah, it may seem early to be worrying about where I'll live come next fall, but it has lately been plaguing my mind. I mean it doesn't look like Carol and I will be rooming together next year since we have different friends for the most part, so not only am I supposed to find a room, but I need to find a roommate. (It doesn't particularly help that I hang out with guys a lot as they cannot move in with any of them for obvious reasons.)

So yeah, some people are talking about Huffman, and that could be cool, but I really don't know if I will have a spot anywhere. I might have to put myself at the mercy of the housing people to pick a random roommate for me, which could be potentially be disastrous.

But then this past week I found out about this environmental group on campus called SEAC, and they are attempting to get a theme house on Polo approved for next year... that could be really cool. Too bad I really don't know any of them besides Sarah. She does seem really nice, excited, and cool though, so if the others are like her, it could be an awesome experience. Of course it would be super weird to not live on the main part of campus... everyone is so close to me now, but if I lived on Polo, I'd have to probably drive to see people. Although... living in a house with an actual kitchen, living room, etc. would be amazing. Not to mention how close I could get to the other people living their and the fun times we'd have. (and of course, we could unite under the common cause of making the world a better place, and that's always good. On a side note: I hate it when people put regular trash in the recylcling been. You really shouldn't do that b/c then they can't recycle any of it.) Man, this is a lot to take in though. I'm awful at making decisions anyway. Sometimes I wish life weren't so complicated. Everything seems to be complicated now. I mean one could argue that that stuff makes life more interesting, and it does... but it also makes it so much harder. Sometimes I wish I could just get a direct and clear message from God telling me what I should do. Is that too much to ask?

thoughts after the crazy night

Ummm yeah, I haven't slept more than maybe an hour in the past 34 hours. This may be a record. This of course is due to the wake vs. unc basketball game that occured just an hour or so ago. Yeah, so around 900 people camped out last night in front of the Joel coliseum. Let me just say that this is about the craziest thing ever mostly because it was in the twenties last night. Yes, it was so freakin cold that I literally just jumped around and shuffled my feet back and forth for hours on end. Oh, and then there was the whole alcohol issue. People were generally not crazy drunks, but the mess they left behind of shattered glass and empty brightly-colored cups is just not acceptable in my opinion. On a related topic, I put in my order for the Johnson T-Shirt today with Hall, so that should be good.

The good parts of the L-O-N-G night:
-eating pizza at Burke St. Pizza for the first time (thanks for the recomendation, Johanna b/c it was awesome)
-meeting some people near me in line (it was strange... I met a girl named Beth from Summerville which is literally 17 miles from Moncks Corner, and then I met a guy from the ultimate frisbee team who is a friend of Tim's named Nick, and he seems pretty cool, too).
-drinking the hot chocolate at Jimmy the Greek's (yeah, it was my first time eating there... finally)
-spooning with Johanna and Will...yeah... too bad he has a boyfriend (I love Will)
-finally stepping inside to the warm building
-the bonding that occured
-watching Stowe crawl/stumble out of the window hatch door thing in the back of his car when he was barely awake.

Uh huh, so all that said, I suppose I'm mildly glad we did it. We've done it once, we don't have to do it again. (BECAUSE IT'S CRAZY!!) Yeah and we won, so that was nice. In addition, the game itself was a massive adrenaline rush, and it really was exciting. When we yelled our little phrases, they echoed, and that's just awesome. So yeah... I hate cold weather. There's just no way around that.

ok, so we've been here almost a week now

OK, so the first week back here is coming to an end. Man, it's so weird that it's only been a week. I really do feel like I've been here forever for once. Usually it's the opposite. I guess it's just not as new as it used to be. So yeah... the classes... I don't know really what to think just yet. I do think that I'm never going to stop reading this semester though b/c all of my classes are reading/writing based. So yeah, it's exciting to meet new people. I also like having class start a whole lot later. I really do think the ten o'clock hour for the first class is the best b/c it's pretty late, but you still get it out of the way and don't end up wasting your whole day.

As for this weekend... yeah, the big game is tomorrow. (UNC vs. Wake) It sucks b/c I really don't want to camp out in the coldness and wetness and drunkeness that will surely ensue. Don't get me wrong... I don't mind camping in general--you know, when you are with close friends and somewhere a little more remote. oh and not on cold, wet cement. So we'll see how that goes. I'd really like to actually sleep tonight, though.

Wow, this is weird... I really don't have much to say now. Wow, it was pretty cool that my last post got two comments so that it actually makes sense b/c the little thing says "1 comments" when there's just one, and we all know that doesn't make grammatical sense. I apologize. Yeah this post was boring. oops.

back.

Yep, so here I am... back at Wake. It's interesting really to see people again after a month. People I never really talked to smile at me and ask me how my break was. I almost want to type out my thoughts on the break, print them out on little slips of paper, and hand them out. (But I guess that'd be kind of anti-social and impersonal.) Really though, if you ask me as you're walking by do you really want more than a few words in response? Darn it, sometimes I wish we could all be real with eachother. None of this feigned kindness if you really don't care. How different would everything be then? Man, politicians wouldn't know what to do all day. No more kissing babies and shaking hands. But no, we all play the game anyway. Some of us better than others of course.

Alright, I suppose that was kind of negative. It's cool though b/c I think Andrew is the only person that actually reads any of this at all.

Yeah, so classes start back up tomorrow. Interesting. If you care, here are the classes I'm taking:
Philosophy intro
Intro to Environmental Studies
History 103 (crap, this is going to suck)
Psychological Utopias (the fys that seems cool, but has a butt-load of reading--7 books)
and hopefully Interpersonal Communication (although I am currently on the wait-list for this)

It should be exciting though. Finally an opportunity to maybe meet some new people. The first week or so of classes is nice, too b/c you don't have to worry about tests and grades yet, and the stuff is still new and intriguing.

dentists, doctors, and monsters

OK, so the phone rings at 8:15 this morning... oh by the way, the phone is conveniently located right behind my bed. Luckily, my mom is still home, so she picks up the phone as I roll over carefully as to preserve the sleep-status. See, once I open my eyes and look around I typically have a hard time falling back to sleep. Anyway, just as I start to forgive the crazy person for calling so early, my mom yells up the stairs saying the phone is for me. As you can imagine, a bunch of things are running through my head at this point. (a. who the heck calls this early? b. no one ever calls me anyway... who the heck wants to talk to me at 8:15 in the morning? c. I automatically dislike this person.) Anyway, so I pick up the phone, and it's one of the receptionists at the dentist's office b/c my dad told them yesterday that if they could fit me in at all to call.

OK, so I get up ridiculously early on one of my last days to sleep late for months, throw on some clothes, and make a quick banana smoothie. Of course when I get there, I look around for some reading material. You know... perhaps a catalog or something. Nope, all I see are hunting magazines and the Holy Bible. Hmmm... interesting combination. Please don't think that I'm knocking the Bible b/c I'm not. It would just be sort of weird to read the Bible in a waiting room. So I sit there for 15 minutes just staring at the Magnolia inspired decor. (Of course this guy comes in and of all places to sit, he sits directly across from me, so we both attempt to divert our eyes so as not to stare at each other.)

So they call me in, and I take a seat in the chair that I have come to despise and fear. I've never had any cavaties and still don't, but had some crappy experiences with dentists and orthodontists in the past. (Ex #1: had braces from 5th grade to 12th grade---7 1/2 years, Ex #2: I've had 16 teeth pulled Ex #3: I accidentally bit one of the receptionists once... I don't know how it happened, it wasn't intentional... it just happened). Anyway, the woman proceeds to cram that slide thing in my mouth for the x-rays (the whole x-ray thing creeps me out in the first place. I mean, if you're not supposed to get x-rays taken when you're pregnant, they must do something bad, right?) After trying three times, she states that the computer has been acting up, and the attempts have been in vain. She then proceeds to pick at my teeth with shiny, sharp objects for what seems like hours, tells me I need to floss or I'll "lose my pretty teeth," and attempts to carry on a conversation with me while her hands are prying open my mouth. (I don't understand this... how the heck am I supposed to respond?)

Yeah, so I really don't like dentists, doctors, or monsters. In fact, I think I'd rather encounter a monster than a dentist any day of the week. (depending on the dentist I suppose.)

sappy remarks on the brother

OK, so I'm in a really good mood now. Yes, it's true. So I just got back from that movie Lemony Snicket: A Series of Unfortunate Events. There were only four of us in the theatre b/c who goes to see a kid's movie that's been out for three weeks at 4:35 on a Thursday afternoon? Anyway, I took my little brother, Stefan, because he has been diligently reading the books, I thought it'd be a nice bonding activity, and well... I didn't think anyone else would enjoy it as much as he would.

[Side note: Stefan looks a lot younger than he actually is, so he fascinates people b/c he's a pretty intelligent and really funny guy. oh, and he's really cute, and still has that child-like innocence thing working for him. He looks like that kid in the Old Navy commercials... Stefan gets mad at him for "stealing his identity."]

So yeah, the movie was fun and definately aesthetically pleasing, but that is not the point of this. The point is that I'm a fan of sibling quality time together. Yeah, so we usually give eachother a hard time as siblings should, but today we were able to put all of that aside, and it was lovely.

Anyway, after we went to Fazoli's, I was dreading the drive back home... that is until I popped in a CD. (OK, yes, if you know me at all, you probably know it was a Jump, Little Children CD. No, I do listen to other bands... it's true, I promise, but yes, it was a Jump CD. Magazine in case you're interested.) Anyway, as usual I was singing along, but then something amazing and quite touching happened. Stefan started singing along in that pre-puberty voice of his. Oh man, it was so cute. Of course he botched some of the lyrics, but that only made the whole thing more endearing.

So yes, that is why I'm in a good mood. I've been struggling some with not being home as he's growing up b/c I miss moments like these. It sucks, you know? I mean I won't be there when he brings home his first girl friend or during his awful band practices (yeah, he just started playing the drums). *Sigh* It's moments like tonight's that make me happy to have such an amazing little brother.

The best feelings... well in my opinion

[These are in no particular order.]

1. Cold shower after long run on hot day (esp. the cold water on face... oh, it's so nice. My face does that really cute thing where it gets ridiculously red if I do any exercise at all or if I get nervous for some reason.)

2. Hot showers on really cold, rainy days

3. Clean sheets (yes, I'll admit it here, but never to my mom: I actually really enjoy doing laundry. Finding the time to do it and the empty machines... now that's a different story. I just love that fresh out of the dryer smell and warmth. I want to jump into it sometimes, but I usually refrain.)

4. Waking up at around 3 AM and knowing you still have a good 6 hours of sleep. Oh my, how I do love this!

5. Getting in bed after a long day

6. Sitting down after an excellent concert (preferably Jump, Little Children)

7. Hearing an old song on the radio that you forgot existed, but you love it and sing your lungs out

8. When the noise the car signal makes coincides with the rhythm of the song you're listening to... yes, this is always super wonderful and rare.

9. Turning on the radio and the song that has been stuck in your head all day is playing

10. Eating at your favorite restaraunt (sp?) after a long period of absence (I like Fazoli's, Mellow Mushroom, Andolini's, The Olive Garden, and well, as you may have guessed--really any Italian restaurant. Although, it is nice to get over to Sonic every once and a while.)

OK, so that's all for now. I will probably update this though.

New Years

OK, so before I actually get into New Years, I feel it is important to say that I went to Dock Street again on the 30th. They are just that good. I went alone this time, but it worked out b/c I ended up getting a better seat than I would have had I been with people b/c I moved to an empty one in the front row of one of the balconies. Anyway, it was awesome, but I feel like I've exhausted myself by telling about it so much, so I'll spare you in this blog. I'll try to post some pictures when we get back to school.

That said, onto New Years. OK I really think New Years is a pretty stupid reason to drink and hook up with someone. If that is how you justify your naughty behavior, well then shame on you. To start the new year drunk, well hey that's a great start, don't you think. I mean I especially liked seeing the 15 or so cop cars on the highway on the way home shining a flashlight over the road and to the side most likely in search of a body from the awful car wreck. (Can you sense my sarcasm?) Just to let you know, I'm not neccesarily saying the party I went to was a drunken fest b/c it wasn't. I'm just making a blanket statement. I do not say this b/c I am bitter... oh no, on the contrary I actually did do something last night (as much to my surprise as yours, I'm sure). Yeah, I went over to a friend's house from high school, and hung out for a while. Although it was a little rough in the beginning when I only knew the five guys and none of the girls in the flock, eventually some came that I did know. So yeah, it wasn't a bad night, really. It was interesting to see some kids from high school. Yes, I say interesting b/c well I just like observing people, and this was a good opportunity for that (and I wasn't really friends with some of them in the first place although some I wish I had been closer to).

So yes, with Dock Street and New Years over I truly have nothing this week to look forward to...well, there's always the hope that someone will want to go see a movie, but I can't really count on that.