It's funny how...

our reactions to various situations often depends on the people involved. Ok, I know that sounds confusing, so let me try to clarify. The people you know well and have a better relationship with can get away with more stuff than the people you maybe aren't as comfortable with. It's true. I mean think about it: your good friends can criticize you some, but if that annoying girl says anything, you get pissed off even if she says the same thing that the other person says. This doesn't just apply to negative things, though. It can also apply to how close you let someone get to you and even physical contact.

Take this real-life example (that happened to be yesterday in fact):
A group of us were at the grocery store (which had this freshly made honey roasted penut butter that was awesome), and I was looking at some stuff on the shelf when someone came up to me, grabbed my arm, and made these weird noises into my ear. Having not seen the culprit, I thought it was this one kid who gets on my nerves, so I turned and gave my best what the heck are you doing? stop it look only to find out that it was someone else, and the funny thing is I didn't mind him doing it, so my reaction entirely depended on who I thought was involved.
Think about it though. You let some people put their arm around you, but you definately wouldn't feel comfortable if everyone did that. I don't know. It's weird.

Taking it easy after a long week.

working on the coveted one piece tan line

Yeah, I've been out at camp for a few days now. Let me say that it's been going pretty well. I'm excited that Cory is my roommate, and people seem to be clicking as well as they can be for the beginning. I don't know. At what point do I just stop coming out here? Will this be my last summer or what? I mean that's one of the main reasons I came back this year--I couldn't stand not coming back. I just love this place so much. I mean it's amazing--the sunsets, the stars, the storms, etc. So I don't know. I think I'll be a lot more excited when the kids come, but right now I'm sort of bored since I've already been through a lot of this training stuff, and it's exactly the same for the most part. eh, we'll see.

On a completely different note, I raised my GPA a bit, so that's nice. Not that it really matters at all. It would make so much more sense not to go to Wake, but I feel stuck. I mean I'd be ridiculously happy being the pastry chef out here at camp or work on BI (Barrier Island--the educational program out here during the school year) or traveling or something.

Took Stefan to see Star Wars last night at midnight. A while back I told him I'd take him if he dressed up (thinking he'd reject the idea right away, but he didn't). It was sort of sad because no one else even stinking dressed up at the theatre we went to. How lame is that? It's ok though. Stefan tried to back himself out with the: everyone else just doesn't know what's cool. dressing up is cool. It was interesting to hear him try to build himself back up after some pointing and giggling. (He was a pretty darn cute Jedi.)

Craziness at camp ensued yesterday when Craig got stung by a stingray. How crazy is that?
Now I'm just rambling...as usual

Moving into my bubble

Hey. Today I am moving back out to camp. I must not be ready because I keep finding things on the floor that I'd forgotten to pack. It also sort of sucks (and by "sort of" I mean "a lot") that we had to take my car into the shop this morning for something that I don't understand. Now, I must take my mother's car with me to camp, which makes me sad.

So yeah, I suppose I should put down some expectations about the summer...
ummm yeah, I'm sort of worried about who my roommate will be. Kimberly has this knack of putting me with someone I don't know. Not to say that it hasn't worked out in the past, but I'm still a bit nervous about that. I'm also sort of nervous that I'm one of the oldest people on staff this year (well, experience wise, anyway). For once I'll actually be more in the leadership role, which is weird because I've been practically the youngest staff member the last two years. I don't really know what to expect today. The last two opening days have become blurs in my memory. I guess we'll find out soon enough. I'm definately excited to be going back out there. Last night as a thunderstorm passed by our house, I remembered the time that I sat out on the beach in the middle of a thunderstorm and just let it soak through my clothes. It was one of the most amazing things. (and yes, I realize it's dangerous, but hey, getting struck by lightening would be a pretty cool way to go.) I hope that I can share that experience with someone one day. You really should try it. Sitting out there on the sand, watching the water pound the surface of the water, watching the lightening strike, hearing and feeling the thunder shake the earth... well it's just amazing and invigerating. It's just one of those times where you say to yourself: wow, God. I get it. sigh.

So yeah, you may not hear from me in a while... not so sure about the prospect of cell phone reception out there, but by all means leave me a message if you want to chat, and I'll get back to you... eventually. and you should consider coming to visit me.

If you write me a letter, I will write you back. That's a promise.
Camp St. Chritopher
2810 Seabrook Island Road
John's Island, SC 29455

2,465 emails later:

I'm sitting here in Johnson A103 for the last time probably ever. It's so weird. My roommate is gone, and so are the majority of my belongings which my parents came to get today. I'm annoyed with myself for putting my journal in a box that went into my parents' car today. I was prepared to right a long winded report on my feelings for the year... well I wasn't sure what I was going to say exactly, but I was prepared to attempt to sort it all out. It sucks becaues I only have about four pages left in my journal from freshman year, which would have been pretty good for tonight. As a result not having it though, this blog entry may be a bit more personal than usual, so prepare yourself.

It's interesting because I actually selected another journal at Border's tonight--not my ideal idea of one, but somewhere in the right direction. It's got a drawing of a woman on the cover with a tear going down her cheek--sad, yet beautiful at the same time... sort of like life I think. I just tried to find a link with a picture of it, but I was unsucessful. Maybe one day you'll see it and just know. Anyway, so I bought that journal tonight, but I can't start it yet. I think I'll hold onto it until sophomore year.

So I sat in Border's for a while and stumbled across the realization that tonight would actually be good for me. At first I was dreading the time alone tonight in my nearly-abandoned room, but then I came to relish the idea. One last night at Wake for my freshman year--and a night to be alone! I finally have some time to reflect on my experiences this year. I don't think it'd be nearly as effective to do this at home because home is just an entirely different atmosphere. It's so still here tonight. Eerie almost, but peaceful. I sat outside for a while and only saw two people. The campus really is so beautiful, but it's also sort of fake. It really is only beautiful to lure you into coming to the school. Young, naive idealists take a look around the campus and sigh in content. It seems like the weather is always gorgeous when lots of people are visiting. It's so darn tricky. Classic example, right? Things aren't always what they seem, you can't judge a book by it's cover, beauty is only skin-deep, etc., but who listens to cliches anyway? They're just too... well, cliche.

So I wonder what it would have been like to go to a different school. My life would be so different now... or at least that's what I think. That's the problem--there's no way of knowing really. That's what sucks. I wanted to go to multiple schools to try them out, you know? Go to the first two weeks at Wake, go back in time and go to the first two weeks somewhere else and pick. But then life isn't that easy unless you are one of those lucky people who doesn't over-analyze everything and always come up short and dissapointed. I don't really want to be one of those people though. I find myself struggling aggainst that. I couldn't tell you why exactly. I just want to live a real life and be content at the end of the day, you know? but then... how do you do that? If I knew that I wouldn't be writing all this I don't think.

I don't know. I had such high expectations going into this. Yeah, I sort of have high expectations for everything, which makes it all so harder, but so much more worthit when things actually seem to fall into place. I thought (no, hoped) that I'd find people here I really connected with--people I could actually have real conversations with. Small talk only to fill in the background and to suppliment personal information. Or even small talk that just wasn't forced. I hate that--forced small talk. Why the heck do we find it necessary? Why do you ask me "what's up?" when you've already passed me on the sidewalk? what the heck is that, anyway? How are you supposed to respond to that? "uhh I'm fine... I guess." I don't know. Most of the time I just shrug my shoulders when people ask me that now. I like Sarah Tullis's response of "good enough." It sort of makes people uncomfortable. I actually like to make people uncomfortable sometimes though. I don't know... it's sort of a sick game I guess. When I used to find pauses in conversations uncomfortable, now I relish in the awkwardness and anticipation of the person's next move. Darn it, it's fun being awkward sometimes... if only because it makes people actually stop and pay attention to their actions. It tends to put an end to the automatic responses or at least challenge them, and I like that. Conversation doesn't have to be dull. It shouldn't be, in fact. I've even found that it sometimes is even possible to really talk to people at wake. hard to believe of course. The few people that I have connected with give me hope, and I need all of the hope I can get. It's like they keep me from starving to death, but leave me hungry for more. I feel like I really am getting by in this state of near starvation. but I have really enjoyed the presence of a few people here, and I think (and hope) you guys know if I'm referring to you. I feel like only a few people have gotten to know me or at least gotten to know more than just the me on the surface. I wish there were some way of finding people at this school that I'd click with that would stick out the four years here. Yeah, I can understand the desire to transfer. trust me. but man, I don't know if I could handle having high expectations and being let down again. to be cliche, Wake really was a good example of a beautiful letdown, right?

So yeah, freshman year...
wasn't worth the fifty million dollars it cost to come here. Definately not. I feel like such a jerk for making my parents pay that much. I feel like I should at least pretend that I really enjoyed it here, but I probably won't. I'm trying to pretend less. So I'm not sure why I'm not transferring. I'm so darn stubborn--I dont' know if that's good or bad most of the time. I feel like I have to ride it out... like I'm obligated to stick around. I mean Wake needs people like us, right? I may fit the stereotype--darn this blonde hair and light skin tone, but darn it I don't feel like I really fit or that I even want to fit here. I think I might be more nervous if I did love it here. So where does that leave me? What can I conclude from this year? I've really come to appreciate the small things in life this year. I mean you really have to if you want to keep going. the squirrel pearched on top of the trashcan, dancing around at work with my co-workers to god-awful songs, the first sip of your favorite smoothie, running down the stairs, almost running into someone, lying down after a long night, late night discussions with the roommate, nailing parallel parking, reading in reynolda gardens, listening to the rain through the open window at night, walking back to the room on a quiet night, sneaking just a bit of lemonade into my water in the pit, walking bearfoot in the grass, becoming familiar with your professors' wardrobe, watching the sun hit only the tops of the trees at the end of the day, the list goes on.

OK, so I've spend more time alone this year than I had planned on, but maybe I needed that. I know I definately need it tonight for closure. It woudn't have done to leave earlier when everyone else was leaving. I really did need tonight to try to assimilate my thoughts and just ponder the year. I needed to be alone and to lock myself in my room. Man, I nearly spent an hour typing this out. So that's it... I'm leaving tomorrow to go on some retreat. then I'll be home for about five days before I'm back out at camp. We'll see how that goes...

I must have an exam in two hours because I'm blogging...

and I do. oh well. This is the last one, so I've about shut down. It's weird... all I want to do is sit somewhere nice and just stare off at nothing. I may go to Border's or somewhere tonight to people watch/pretend to read a book. It will be great fun. I also need to take a look at journals... I'm about out of space--isn't that appropriate? I'm constantly looking for a really cool journal. One with home made pages and a ridiculously nice cover would be amazing... no, I really don't expect to find this at Border's, but it's fun to browse. I really want to read a book in it's entirety at Border's or some bookstore one day... this is not a small feat, mind you. I read really, really slow. Yes, I know everyone says that, but I really do. Everyone else is just exagerating. haha. (because I never exagerate. anything.)

So yeah, I've returned to more normal dreams IE camp dreams. I dreamed that Charlie was working again this summer on maintanence, and I was so excited. This may have come from thinking about him yesterday when I packed away the plexi glass sculpture of a wave that he made for me one day. man, I am so sentimental about pretty much everything. I don't know. I just can't help it. I'm sorry.

My parents are coming tomorrow to take away some of my treasured belongings (crap). It's all so crazy. It's like I want to be sentimental, but then I think to myself: wait, this year wasn't really too awesome, you dummy. Don't get so darn sentimental. But I can't help it. It's weird looking down the empty and quiet hall. I'll never be a freshman again. And although I didn't necessarily always enjoy living with the people on my hall, it will be weird without them. you know? *sigh.*

YEah, so about that exam in two hours... must stay focused!

a creepy dream

So I had a creepy dream this morning sometime between 8:37 and 9:42 AM. I know this because I looked at the clock at these times.

ok, so at first I was just watching a horror movie, but as the dream went on, I played a more active role in the movie. I soon was in the movie, but a passive observer of sorts. Then as the events started to unfold, I was a main character. I don't remember all of it, but the end and climax I guess was this:

We were at this house on a lake. It was weird because all of the sudden the land just stopped, and there was a really steep hill that led down into the lake. Anyway, we were walking down to the lake, and one of the guys was blind. I forgot that he couldn't see the ledge until we were right upon it, and I tried to warn him, but it was too late. He stepped off, and plumetted down to the water, so we all jumped in to see if he was OK. He was... I mean he was surprised of course, but he could swim. Anyway, once we saw he was ok, we took to playing around in the water. (it was at night, so it was that eerie calm with some fog over the serene water.) I guess we didn't notice that the blind guy had gotten out of the water, and walked back up to the house. (side note: this guy was creepy. he would stare right at you with his eyes even though he couldn't really see, and his eyes just seemed to pierce you.) The guy climbed up to the second or thrid story balcony/porch thing, and with a loud voice and a creepy smile, "I'm sick of this. I've had enough." At this point, I think he's just going to jump off the balcony and commit suicide, but he doesn't. That wouldn't be nearly as creepy. He slowly turns around, demonic smile still plastered across his face, and walks inside the bedroom. At this point, it doens't make sense that I can see what's going on in there, but I do. I see it through this really creepy old mirror--you know the one that is free standing with those weird feet things (like in Harry Potter the mirror or Erised)--not one that's against the wall. The guy just stands in front of the mirror as if he's looking into it, and this demon spirit thing comes out, and just brutally rapes and attacks him, but he just sort of stands there and takes it. This happens really fast, and there's blood everywhere. It's quite frightening and disturbing. Then as fast as it all started, suddenly the room was clean and empty. I had to stay in the house that night. There were two other people with me. The other two said they wanted to go into town, but for some reason (that doesn't really make sense considering what I just witnessed) I wanted to stay there. At first I thought we were in another room, but of course I realized after they left that it was the same room with the creepy mirror. That's when someone knocked on my door, and scared the crap out of me, and I woke up.

So yeah, that's weird. Usually I have pleasant dreams, but then every once and a while, I have a really disturbing one. Well, anyway, I have an exam in 45 minutes.

I don't know if it's the coffee or what, but

I've just been really jumpy lately. Just now for instance... I was just going over some power point presentations for my comm class and he programed some sound effects to go with the clicking that scared me not once, not twice, but three times. I don't know why, but every time I just gasped, and my heart skipped a beat. My roommate can tell you more about this phenomenon. She routinely scares the crap out of me when she walks into the room. Then there's my phone. Every time it goes off (which isn't too often--maybe that's the problem) I typically cry out "Oh!" or "Whoa!" Yeah, so I don't know. Maybe I'm just a nervous person... maybe it's the coffee. All I know is that I just had the equivalent of 3 1/2 servings of pears according to the label on the can. Pears are so good. I had forgotten.

I was thinking that I might take my last shower here without flip flops on. Is that gross? Yes, but I feel like it would just be appropriate.

Hmmm... the things I think about.