while sitting outside of java java today...

"From the tip of every branch, like a fat purple fig, a wonderful future beckoned and winked. [...] I saw myself sitting in the crotch of this fig tree, starving to death just because I couldn't make up my mind which of the figs I would choose. I wanted each and every one of them, but choosing one meant losing all the rest, and, and I sat there, unable to decide, the figs began to wrinkle and go black, and, one by one, they plopped to the ground at my feet" (Plath, The Bell Jar 62-63).

isn't that how it is? man I really just don't want to have to make decisions. I watched some of the people walking around "freshfields" on kiawah island today, and it looks like they have it all, but for some reason, I just can't imagine they're happy. I know that's an unfair judgement, but I don't want to be like that. I don't want to have to live a certain way to fulfill certain and specific unspoken rules. I read today in a profile of the lead guy from the brunettes that his life goal is to "find the right girl and disappear." What a thrilling goal that is--to disappear with the one you love because nothing else matters; your life is not governed by the raucous sound of paradoxically deafening unspoken rules. I don't know... sometimes I look at people, and I just want to shake them and say, are you happy? are you even alive?

today I truly witnessed one of the most amazing things I've ever seen

So we were on the beach swimming with all the kids... the weather was pretty crappy to begin with: really cloudy and lightly raining, but no thunder/lightening, so it was a go. It started raining harder, so we got all the kids out of the water, and right about when everyone was out, the sky exploded. It rained harder than I've ever seen it rain. Within seconds there was about an inch or two of water covering the beach. (it was low tide, so there was a lot of naked beach.) The water was so deep on the beach that it covered my feet. We couldn't see where the ocean started because of all the water. It was seriously amazing. Mean while the rain was pelting so hard that every kid out there just started screaming at the top of their lungs. It was absolute melee, but it was glorious. It was one of those moments you wish you could share with everyone. It was raining so hard, the rain pelted the sea flat. There were no waves. It got so thick you couldn't see more than five feet out into the water.

well...

I'm not a teenager anymore.

if you don't know who dr. john carter is, you should.

So all of the sudden I have this desire to collect go milk? ads. go figure. apprently though, some people actually sell these things on ebay. Some people additionally sell "clippings" from magazines about random stars. It's sort of crazy really how long it must have took to assemble the 78 clippings of Heath Ledger or whoever else. Seriously, I found one women who must have had at least a thousand different people offered in her clippings. I'll be honest though... I would really enjoy that Noah Wyle got milk ad. All those ER re-runs have been getting to me, and oh man, Dr. John Carter is hot.

oh man.

man, I'm getting way too darn sentimental. I've been home for a week now, but it really actually sucked to leave. The contrast between leaving freshman year and this year is unbelieveable. Freshman year I made a mix for the ride home entitled "Freshman year is FINALLY over!!" seriously. I couldn't wait to get out of that place. This year I actually knew seniors. The last month or so of school I kept thinking man, I'm only going to live with these people until May 5th. After that, they will be out of my life. It doesn't matter that I just lived with them (or saw them all the time). They'll be graduating and moving on... leaving me... here. I don't know. It just sucks. I don't want to live in the house without them next year. When you live with someone, you start to communicate with just facial expressions--it's all about the raised eyebrows, that half smile, the glare. I'm going to miss that so much, as lame as it sounds. It really is the little things that will kill me: the jokes about charles knowing everything, the kitchen constantly smelling like garlic and onion, steve glaring at me in the hall and shaking his head, kasee sending those emails about the state of the kitchen, the roadtrips, family dinners...

I don't want to never see them again. I don't want them to move on until I'm ready to because I'm selfish like that. Man, I'm even going to miss those random seniors I never technically met, but always wanted to. You know--the ones that you always see walking around or the ones that buy coffee from me a few days a week. I really do just like habit. I like doing the same thing every Saturday, always having our dinners together on Sundays, etc. so... I'm thinking about driving up for graduation afterall...

summer = such a flirt--just far enough away to be out of reach but never out of sight

I don't like that phrase "waste time."
how can you decide what wastes time and what doesn't?
why is relaxing and listening to music or enjoying the day by sitting outside wasting time while being studious or working isn't? that's ridiculous and way too arbitrary.

be warned...

so lately I've found myself preceeding many sentences with, "I could have made that up though..." I don't know if I just have a bad memory or I just enjoy making things up or what, but sometimes I just find myself saying something and then I realize that it was not necessarily true at all. If you sound confident, people just believe you. I realize this is pretty deceptive behavior, and I can't really remember when it started. Most of the time it's unintentional... I think... (I bet you thought I was going to say, "but I could have made that up." I'm not that predictable.)

have I said this already? I know I've been thinking it for a while...

There are certain people I always see walking around on campus. It's crazy. It shouldn't happen... statistically speaking, but I really like it. There's something comforting about seeing those few kids everywhere you go even though you have no idea who they are and you've never talked to them. Sometimes I just want to reach out and introduce myself, but that might alter the magical quality of it all. (plus, it could make for awkward situations... many of them since you see this person all the time.) I like to think that we'll meet if we're supposed to. One day something will happen, and it will be amazing. Until then I am free to make up your life. In my head you are this amazingly deep and complex person. Sometimes my eyes give away these secret thoughts as we pass on the way to class. I wonder if that sparkle in your eyes is a coincidence or if you have imagined an alternate reality for me.

because my birthday is actually June 12th

First of all, let me just say that I definately appreciated the birthday wishes I received last Saturday... the thing is you were early by a couple of months. Please don't think I'm a jerk. I realize that my behavior may come off as immature or attention-seeking or even mean, but that was not what I had in mind. Honestly, I just thought it'd be interesting to test how much people rely on facebook for information. It's sick really. Although most of the people who wished me happy birthday had no reason to know when my actual birthday was, there were some of you who have even cellebrated my birthday with me in the past, but you were so convinced that facebook must be right that you went against your instincts. Facebook is NOT infallible, kids. It CAN lie.

the sad thing is no one called me out on it. the only person who came close I only just met a month or two ago, and he really had no reason to know. so... there you have it.

I feel like I'm waiting for something to happen...

I started to write something, but it just wasn't interesting. I'm sorry.

A brief overview since it's been a while:

-Spring Break: I went home. I hung out with my 92 year-old grandfather all day. I'm not really bitter about my spring break. honestly. It just annoyed the crap out of me the Monday classes started back up. Seriously, I am going to make a T-shirt next year detailing my spring break. OK, so if you were one of the few who did not enquire about my spring break... now you know.

-some new music to report:
Band / standout song (if applicable)
Boy Least Likely To / Be Gentle With Me, I see Spiders when I close my Eyes
Half-Handed Cloud / Earth Outside of Gost will Only be Quicksand
Arctic Monkeys / When the Sun Goes Down
The Rosebuds

and some slower stuff (which I spend the majority of my time listening to):
Jose Gonzalez / Heartbeats
The Red House Painters

or I guess you'd know what I've been listening to lately if you are a dedicated stalker.
http://www.last.fm/user/RachL04/

-RiverRun Film festival was quite enjoyable. Looking forward to some crazy marathons next year. I finally met up with some people by accident after trying to coordinate stuff all weekend. I like that. It sort of proves that what's meant to be will be. So... yeah.

-I'm going to be the RA here at the environmental house next year... mixed feelings.

last night while I slept

We've been talking and reading a lot about dreams in my religion class lately, so I thought I'd go ahead and share one one with you. It happened last night.

It was a wherewolf epidemic--the things were just running rampid in the streets, etc. but no one was really scared but me. (I wasn't living at school, at home, or at camp... I don't really know where the heck I was.) So I hid under my bed for a while, but then I realized that since wherewolfs are like dogs in a way, they must have an excellent sense of smell, so I knew hiding wouldn't really do me any good if they got into the house. After worrying about it some more and warning everyone at the house about being careful and not going outside, the door bell rang. Against my pleads, someone opened the door. A scared-looking couple and their young son are standing at the stoop. Since they admitted they were also afraid of the wherewolves, someone encouraged them to stay in our house. Guess what... they weren't wherewolves, but it turns out they were vampires.

The whole time I had been trying to save myself from the wrong thing while the real enemy waltzed right on in.

on the way to class this morning

oh, to walk with closed eyes
feel the sun on my face
and the wind lift my hair
smell spring on its way.
one sense sleeps,
the others wake
to take in the beauty
that is normally lost
in the rush of the day.

MBPT

ok, so if you haven't taken the myers briggs personality test, you really should. It's so darn interesting. You can take an abreviated version for free on the internet: http://www.humanmetrics.com/cgi-win/JTypes2.asp

so take it, and tell me what you get.

I got INFJ (introverted, intuitive, feeling, and judging). I also took the test in high school, and I believe I got either the same thing, or INFP, so I think it's fairly accurate. It's crazy reading the descriptions for the types they have available on the internet. They're sooo true, it's scary. lucky me... my personality type is the least represented in the general population--a mere 1.5%. I guess that explains some things. famous INFJ's include: Chaucer, Hawthorne, Shirley Temple, MLK jr., mother Theresa, and Billy Crystal. I'm an idealist: big surprise there.

ooo here's a good line: "Life is not necessarily easy for the INFJ, but they are capable of great depth of feeling and personal achievement." oh ok. so uh yeah... check it out.

a sign of better times?

so tonight in a bizarre twist of fate/turn of events, a light actually went on as I walked by in Q. This sudden unexpected illumination occurred moments after I actually half-smiled at some random guy passing by as he silently mouthed, hey. It was one of those rare moments where neither of you suddenly diverts their eyes to look at the fascinating sidewalk, which is known as a lame attempt to avoid human interaction. it was indeed a magical moment under the glow of those infamous lighted poles in Q which I had previously thought had secretly conspired against me.

you may wonder why it means so much to me that a stranger would say hi since I typically don't like these often false and mindless exchanges. but in my romanticized brain, the stranger has no reason or obligation to acknowledge my presence; thus, it was a conscious choice.

There are certain people I feel like I am always seeing around campus, yet I know nothing about their lives. For some our lives seem to be parallel more than chance would dictate. Although I often long to get to know these people, I know it would be best to maintain that false reality I have created for them.

The advantage of the ideal theory over the popular faith is this, that it presents the world in precisely that view which is most desirable to the mind... For seen in the light of thought, the world is always phenomenal. --Emerson

"nothing" is the matter

So many things I want to tell you. Maybe some other time.

a light went out again tonight in Q as I walked by silently by myself, and I couldn't help but smile.

I think I'll sleep really well tonight as soon as I'm exhausted by thinking for a while. Usually it annoys me when I can't sleep, but I think I almost want to lie in bed for a while tonight. Somehow I can create turmoil and distress out of a vast amount of nothingness... or maybe that's the problem--nothing. you'll have to think about that for a minute, but it makes sense... to me, anyway.

granted not having short term memory mostly sucks... sometimes it'd be pretty sweet

So I got some chaco's yesterday. they were 50% off, and that's exciting. I think I have problems with buying/aquiring things that I simply don't need though. I mean I'll definately use my chaco's, but did I really need CHACO's or would some other brand have served the purpose? Also--am I buying them to try to fit in and be more outdoorsy? outdoorsy people are just as bad as frat guys. they just conform to different things. Outdoors clothing is EXPENSIVE, and there are definately name brands and non-name brands. Maybe it's polo shirts for one group, but it's chaco's or patagonia raincoats or whatever for the other group. I do have a slightly humerous or endearing story about the chaco's though:

so it was just a few hours after I had purchased the chaco's. They were lying on the floor next to my desk when I walked in and actually thought to myself: hmmm those are pretty sweet. I wonder whose they are. Then I realized they were mine, and I got giddy all over again. I sort of wish that would happen everyday to me. I think I'd be a lot happier if it did. I'd wake up, and think A laptop! holy crap! that's awesome! WITH WIRELESS internet access?! NO WAY!!!!

It's about to get interesting, kids.

classes start tomorrow... oh boy.
While I was considering dropping my 8am sociology, I confess I looked at the roster, and decided it may be worth keeping. There are some interesting kids in that class, so we'll see how it goes. Yeah, so my schedule is pretty much up in the air, but I think that is a good thing overall. It will certainly make it more interesting. I'll keep you posted. ha... haha.

What I'm looking for:

We took these compatibility test things in high school as a fundraiser of sorts. I sort of wish we would do something like that in college just because I feel like there must be some great people out there that I’m just not meeting. Sort of in the spirit of that, I thought I'd do a little post about the qualities I am looking for... you will probably find this at best amusing and at worst pathetic. Eh, at this point I really don't think anyone reads this anyway, so I've got nothing to lose. I think there is a 150- point max just so you know.

Drives a Volvo………….+4

Drives a smaller car………+3

Tall, dark, and hansom…….+6

Majoring/minoring in English, Psych, Env. Studies, Sociology, Religion, Education…+5

Likes good music…………..+8

Episcopalian………………..+9

Catholic………………….+7

Presbyterian…………….+7

Other sort of Protestant Christian…….+5

Dresses well……………..+5

Plays a musical instrument…+7

Has a good set of morals……+7

Makes me laugh……………..+7

I like the parents……………….+6

Likes the outdoors…………+7

Has mastered the whole dorky/cute look……+6

Is a good hugger………….+8

Is passionate about something in life……..+8

Writes poetry/songs………+5

Is soft-spoken……………..+7

Likes kids/good with kids…….+8

Maintains eye contact……………..+7

Challenges me…………………..+7

Can hold a decent conversation…………+8

Comfortable with silence………………+7

Drives an SUV…………-5

Hunts……………………-10

Listens to country/rap music……-5

Drinks too much…………-9

In a fraternity……………-5

Isn't a Christian............-10

so what's your score?

but I don't want it to end...

in some strange way it seems to me that if I post something now, before tomorrow night, part of me will always be waiting for that last show. Earlier tonight I thought I’d actually be OK with this being the end, but lately I decided that it is definitely going to be rough afterall—devastating even. No more shows to look forward to with certainty. I need to keep reminding myself that the guys deserve to take a break, to be happy, and to do their own thing. I’m sure we will meet again some day. I have to think that.

Tonight was lovely by the way. I'm hoping tomorrow night will be spectactular.

another Christmas has passed...

Man, for some reason I am just rarely in the whole Christmas mood. It comes in spurts... all of the sudden I'll start singing a random Christmas carol in the kitchen or whatever, but that's about it. It's not like I want it to be that way. I sort of secretly want to be one of those people who is totally into Christmas, etc. just because they get so happy and into it and all, but I just can't dig up those sort of feelings.

Christmas this year was not much unlike Christmases of the past for me anyway. My mom insisted on buying me a bunch of stuff I'd never pick out for myself--her theme was pajamas this year. (I guess this is because of the whole in the butt of my favorite pajama pants... which by they way no one at the house told me about. I wonder how long it has been there.) So yeah... I got three pj sets more or less with christmas decorations on them. If you know me well (/live in the house) you know that I am often clad in pajama pants, and I just don't want to be wearing pj's with dalmations holding christmas presents on them in august. I don't know. I sound like an awful spoiled brat or something, but trust me... I don't like enjoy the whole process largely because it stresses my mom out since she always struggles with what to buy me. She does this thing--looks down and sort of does this odd smile/frown thing, and says, "yeah, I didn't think you'd really like them anyway. We can return them I guess." It just sucks.

So yeah... yesterday was pretty much a marathon shopping day. The highlites: I found a pretty sweet dress for dockstreet for $31 dollars. It was exciting. I will not go into how I feel about dockstreet quite yet. that will come. I also got a multitude of other things while shopping. Lately I have been using the word "multitude" a lot--just so you know.

I found this ironic:

at JC Penny, the sexy lingerie area is located right next to the maternity clothes area. ha... haha. I don't know... I thought it was pretty funny at the time.