footnotes and subtitles

I would like to figure out a way to incorporate footnotes into everyday life. Footnotes are a great thing. They allow you to include all those clever little details you would normally reserve for parenthetical phrases. I think Blogger should look into adding a footnote feature as it would improve blogging drastically. Parenthetical statements are great, but they can really interupt the flow of your sentences at times. And of course, there are always those times when you mention something random in your blog that the average reader might not get, and it would just be nice to clarify these odditites through footnotes. (At this point, I would be tempted to add a footnote either about footnotes or about the a cappella group called footnotes that I just found in a google search... oh well, I guess links will have to suffice.)

In addition to this, I would like to take this opportunity to say that I think magically floating subtitles for people would also be quite helpful. Curious about what that Danish guy is saying? Just read the subtitles conveniently scanning across his forehead! I'm telling you... it would work wonders for things like international meetings and conferences. It would also make for a handy aide for eavesdroppers. Of course, they'd have to come up with a new name for it. Something that involved the Latin root for reading perhaps... or is there a Latin word for 'subtitles'? Somehow I doubt it.

Ode to the Superfluous Man

(This one's for Jon)

Oh, though a superfluous man you may be
you escape Kierkegaard’s concept of immediacy.
Above the trivial and the mundane,
you contemplate life in the depth of your brain.
They may call you “ineffective,” they may call you a waste
but you, you are onto something, post haste.

Perhaps they only point fingers at you
because they are afraid of what you will do.
You’ll quickly turn their world upside down,
making them contemplate their wasted life with a frown.
The characters in Uncle Vanya, they know
just how it feels to go with the flow.
They wake up one day and feel a sense of loss
Who’s to say they are not the ‘superfluous?’


If you are confused by my departure from the typical prosaic form that I am accustomed to writing in, this is just a little something I wrote for my Russian literature class.

The concept of the Superfluous Man according to Wikipedia in case you are unfamiliar with this term

Christmas, consumerism, and capitalism

While hanging out on an abandoned Rådhusplasen last night, Amelia took this picture that interestingly juxtaposes Christmas and consumerism:


In the foreground on the left, we have the huge and towering Christmas tree, and in the background on the right, we have a building that is lit up with many advertisements. I tell you this story not to complain about consumerism and Christmas (which would be far too easy to do... and I might have even done it last year or the year before anyway), but to tell you this nice little anecdote about Denmark and the Danish way:

Approximately one second after Amelia captured this moment on film, every single one of those neon lights went out simultaneously and stayed out for the twenty minutes Amelia and I awaited the arrival of our night busses. It was as if Denmark had heard our complaint and criticism and meekly replied: Oh, no. Sorry, sorry. You have the wrong idea. We're not like that here. See?

It was cute really... and quite strange. I'm glad the city is so receptive and thoughtful like that.

Perhaps not the sign we had been hoping for

Today in our Russian lit class, our teacher comes bounding in the door (with a piece of paper in his hand)and starts celebrating. Apparently, there was a sign on the door (that I had somehow missed) that said:

Holocaust and Genocide cancelled
December 3rd

It was both comical and eerie in a way. Oh, semantics.
(Of course, they were referring to the Holocaust and Genocide class that I am enrolled in.)

Shenanigans... at the Library

I love The Copenhagen Post because they have stories like this:

Books Taken Hostage at Doomed Library
A group of concerned citizens calling themselves the Library Gang
kept librarians in the village of Dybbøl, Jutland, busy on Monday:
The gang, armed with wheelbarrows, trolleys, trailers, sacks,
and whatever else could be used to haul away the contents of
the library, attempted to check out every single one of the library's
books.
The great book haul comes after a proposal by the Sønderborg
local council to close the library.
'They want to close it down, but they can't do that if the books
aren't there,' said ringleader Jakob Damsbo.
Only the library's dedicated staff of stern librarians prevented
the gang from exceeding their lending limit, thus preventing the
entire library from being emptied.
...

There is pretty much always a random story like this that I get a kick out of. I guess perhaps that's the benefit of having a paper that comes out only once a week--things don't have to be as pressing and can be kind of ridiculous at times... not that the intentions of this story were ridiculous. I'm actually wondering why those 'stern librarians' actually fought back. Shouldn't they have encouraged the 'Library Gang' to continue checking out the books so that the branch would stay open and people would keep learning? I'd say those are some irresponsible librarians.

Today we went to Sweden

Sweden is only a thirty-five minute train ride away from Copenhagen. I am not sure why I have not taken advantage of this really. When else will I be able to just hop over to Sweden? I didn't take many pictures, but here are a few:
<-----
Random
street in
Malmö,
Sweden.
ok, so
the sky
is grey,
but it's
still
cheery,
right?







---->
the view
from a
little
bridge
we saw.
All the
green
areas in
the city
were nice.









Honestly, I don't understand why more people don't make a point to visit Scandinavia. It really is a nice place. Sure it gets dark at like 4:00 PM now and it can be pretty cold, but that just encourages the people to create their own warmth and light. This technique includes lighting many candles and having a nice fire going.

Really though, I was impressed at the altruism we witnessed today. A man dropped some documents out of his pocket, and one of his fellow comrades picked up the papers and chased him down... instead of merely looking at the papers and walking away. We tried to join in on this feeling by helping a woman carry her baby stroller up some stairs. Really though, all day there was just sort of this pleasant feeling in the air.

My favorite moment of the day:


<---------------------------
Amelia and I passed these two
women walking side by side,
wearing matching coats about
five minutes after we bought
our own matching coats (50% off!),
so we turned around and ran them
down to take this picture.
This is us in 55 years.

during my three weeks of traveling...

I didn't get around to listening to much music... at all really. I wanted to have all my senses available to take in information on my surroundings, you know? Then today at the airport, I remembered how much I love it, and actually listened to my i-pod on shuffle and was pleasantly surprised at many of the songs I had forgotten about. It was also one of those moments where I started hearing music everywhere... ie in the rhythm of the escalator. Seriously. it was a sick beat.

I managed to spend everything save 11 cents. This was both miraculous and horrifying.

I witnessed a car accident, a dog fight, and an entire glass store front shatter.

Some random guy quacked in my ear as he passed me. seriously. it freaked me out... and was a bit delightful/entertaining.

I ordered a "latte" in Italy and was presented a tall glass of milk.

I found myself in Amsterdam on Halloween and was reverse-trick-or-treated by a little girl dressed as a princess. I guess they haven't gotten the whole halloween thing exactly worked out yet. The girl did not seem to like the holiday... understandably so as her supply of candy got smaller and smaller.

I tried falafel in many different countries... perhaps five.

I wrote and submitted a concert review to the student paper. Check it out here:
http://ogb.wfu.edu/07/index.php?/ee/l_article/iron_wine_pick_up_the_pace/
Please note they changed the title of the article once again... and I am still unsure if there is a subject + verb agreement error or not. If so, I am extremely embarrassed. If not, I am embarrassed that I thought there might be one.

I watched the sun set over a vineyard in Tuscany.

I bought many postcards... none of which I intend to send.

I was in three countries in one day. (thrice as many as I had been to in 21 years prior to August).

I saw a tour in Florence in which both the two tour guides and all the followers were on Segways. see below picture.

so I started a new blog

Hi, all. You may have noticed that I am not posting as much as I should be considering I am in a new country and in the midst of having many new and exciting things happening to me. Yes, this is a legit claim. Sorry about that. I need to work on it. However, I just thought I'd write a little post now to tell you that I have started a new blog that I have dedicated purely to the subject of dreams... so check that out if you feel so inclined. It can be pretty interesting stuff... if not downright frightening, ridiculous, and a bit philosophical at times. So yeah... you can find that here. The new blog also explains why I probably will no longer post my crazy dreams here. If you ever want to contribute a dream to it, send it to me, and I will post it with your name attached. I think it would be cool if the site represented many POV's and dreamers.

another example of those sneaky internet ads

My favorite part of reading Russian literature online is noticing the accompanying ads on the page. Examples include:
Meet Russian Lady
Find a russian Lady Find the love of your life
happymeeting.dk (notice it's a Danish website)

Meet Russian Singles
Russian singles seek love and relationship worldwide. Join free.
www.RussianEuro.com

I could even find a Russian stockbroker if I wanted to... or you know... meet a 'russian Lady'

The day we talked about death in philosophy class

my grandfather died. and I can't go home to see my family because I am in Denmark. on top of that, I am scheduled to go to Bornholm this weekend for a vacation-like time of biking... while my grandfather is being burried. my dad is now an orphan, and I'm going on vacation.

am I crazy?

Yes, so I've been here in Copenhagen or København for about 3 weeks now, and I've again started considering another totally different career track. I really don't think people should have to pick this early. I'm so indecisive and prone to huge fits of inspiration so often... it's hard to know what will stay with me and what will fade away. The latest one is grad school... which I never thought I'd even really ever consider doing. The thing is though... so many programs pay for you to go if you get in--that's something I didn't really realize before. It'd also be another chance to do the whole college search thing again, and now that I know what I want in a school, I think I'd enjoy it much more. I'd get the chance to start all over. So you're probably thinking grad school isn't so crazy, right? I mean I am an English major... but the thing is, it is not grad school for English that has struck me. It's grad school for Philosophy. a stinking PHD in philosophy! I don't know... I feel like I could do that and maybe teach at a college. It would be amazing to be a college professor I think. I could teach just a basic intro course and then I could teach something on maybe philosophy and religion and all the problems that involves... or perhaps some specific topic will strike me down the line. I honestly have loved my philosophy class at DIS so far, and Søren Kierkegaard has definitely been an interesting read so far. I know this sounds horribly vain, but sometimes when I read SK, I feel like he is expressing some of the very thoughts and problems I have been thinking about. Of course, he says them in more convoluted and academic terms, but many of the ideas are similar. When I have more time, I will have to give you some examples of this. I've written many of them down in my notes. I have to go out and buy a journal! Somehow, I already lost the one I brought with me when I had only written a few pages.

ugh but what about the magazine/npr internships? I think I might try to apply for everything--grad school and internships and see what happens from there. I could always request a deferral. Honestly though... I don't think I'll be done with Copenhagen in December. I feel like there's more for me here than can be contained in just a few months. Now I just need to find an excuse to stay. I wish I had more time as an undergraduate! One more semester isn't going to cut it.

Maybe it's just my age or mabye I'm just being melodramatic, but

I feel like lately it's as if about once a week, I get these sudden strong impulses/breakthroughs to do something that might radically alter the direction of my life. About 3 weeks ago it was NPR. Yeah, it sounds completely lame. I mean I used to make fun of my parents or roll my eyes at their tradition to listen only to NPR. (it's pretty much the only thing they listen to in the car, and it's ALWAYS on 24 hours a day in our kitchen where an old-fashioned radio is perched on our refridgerator/freezer combo unit). So maybe it somehow became endearing because of that or maybe it's just one of those appreciations that creeps up on you as you enter adulthood.

Really though, NPR has many interesting programs. Did you know that there are 80 free podcasts available through i-tunes? I especially like: Fresh Air, Pop Culture, Movies, This American Life, and All Songs Considered. I mean have you taken a look at All Songs Considered? They actually have quite an impressive list of musical guests (think The National, Okkervil River, Spoon, PB&J, Iron & Wine... to name a few.)

Yes, so I have added NRP to the list of internships to apply for. They actually have quite a few. I also decided that some sort of a media-based job seems appealing. (radio, newspaper, magazine... I think I'll shy away from the tv and all its corruptions).

This is not why I am writing, however.

The latest craze that has been simmering lately and only today really demanded my full attention is writing about current events and actually becoming an active force in this widely ambivalent and indifferent youth culture. Of course this is not to say that I profess to actually have any idea of what is going on in the world. I'm actually probably more ignorant than most, but I really think that if our generation became active, we could make people start to pay attention to some important issues that have been too long overlooked. Ignorance by definition is a state of lacking knowledge, but if this state is freely adapted and chosen (ie by chosing to turn the radio dial when issues of politics, genocide, and environmental issues announce themselves), can it really still be considered ignorance? This is the problem of today: A self-imposed and freely-elected 'ignorance' that is really indifference in disguise.

So what is it that I am proposing to do? Well for starters, I'd like to actually find out about these issues so that I may approach them from an educated viewpoint... perhaps this will take the form of writing articles in order to get the word out... who knows. Today I have decided that I should take a poli sci class. Seems like a small thing, but I think it will be a good start. Hopefully it's not too late to switch into a class (through DIS) called: European Conflict and Security Issues.

The course description:
A study of issues and problems in European security. The search for a stable European security order. The transatlantic relationship. The emergence of new threats like terrorism, proliferation of weapons of mass destruction, ethnic conflict, and failing states. The attempt to define an active role for the European Union in international security.

My dad told me three years ago that I would make a good poli sci major. Too bad I called him crazy.

Yesterday I saw a bumper sticker that read:





















I wonder if they have succeeded yet.

so jumpy

Every night at approximately 9:45 PM, Peter Romanov gets on the loudspeaker and announces that the library will be closing in 15 minutes. Every night, this sudden break in the silence makes me jump... quite literally. It happens even though I know the announement is impending. I can be looking at the clock, which reads 9:45PM and brace myself, silently telling myself over and over that it is about to happen, and I still get freaked out.

I really just love storms

we finally had a nice storm tonight in Winston.
I miss those summer storms at the beach so much.
Remember that time it rained so hard that we couldn't tell where the ocean started?
The kids were all screaming--it was raining that hard, but it was glorious.
where beauty overlaps and is intertwined with chaos... I think that's where I want to be.

have you danced in the rain? I mean really just cut loose?

how do they know?

So the webpage I was just looking at had little advertisements imbedded in the page. Normal, right? Yeah... but I actually took the time to read those ads today, and they were creepily catered to me. Ok, maybe not the one about getting a credit card, but the one advertising the "Magic Dance" ringtone?! Man! How do those little spies know I am a closet Labyrinth fan? That is just sick. I mean how many people would even know that "Magic Dance" is a David Bowie song in Labyrinth?

home.

So I went home for a few days this week. Here are some highlights:
-I got a new driver's liscense because my old one was scheduled to expire in June. Apparently, my liscense is now good until I turn 31. That is so crazy. I can't even imagine being 31. So much will change before then. The annoying thing is since I got it before my birthday, I'll be 30, and my lisence will still say "under 21."

-I ran into one of the guys who asked me to prom junior year. I hadn't seen him in four years. As you can imagine, we did not bring up the prom thing. It was actually a good interaction though. He really was one of my favorite people in High School... one of the only ones worth talking to. He works at Fazoli's now.

I feel like my father must have paid my grandfather to periodically ask me if I had found a job yet. I was home for about 48 hours, and her seriously asked me 4 times if I had found a job. Dimentia? I don't think so.

To respond to that question, I do now have a job... at good old ZSR. Yeah, I'll be working at the reference desk and in "special collections" which kind of makes me think of "secret service." So things are starting to fall into place. I now at least have the first half of the summer mapped out... now what to do with July/August?

the remnants of a year

Cleaning out my room, I find:
Lists of things to do yet left undone,
receipts from meals,
expired, unused coupons,
movie ticket stubs,
exactly 8 fortunes (even though I don't like Chinese food),
that cd I forgot to give back to you,
someone's lost lanyard that I never turned in,
a red and yellow striped paper clip,
an unfinished scarf,
a couple of letters,
a spider's web in the bathroom,
a pile of books left unread, and
those earplugs I couldn't find the night there were still people here at 4AM.

Beware:

After 1:45 PM on Friday

Yeah, it's short
yeah, I cried a little,
but it's growing on me.
(pun not originally intended, but I didn't change it.)


because it was time for a change


if it takes 7 donations on average to make a wig,
I have 5 more to go.

man, you can see the nervousness in my eyes.
















and... two days later.

I no longer think like I look like a long-lost
Hanson brother, so that's good.

Before 1:30PM on Friday

Brace, yourself.

In Search of Lost Time

Well I managed to avoid losing an hour of sleep for a week since I was in Louisana for Spring Break (which is in a different time zone), but time finally caught up with me and surpassed me last night. I can't believe that school starts tomorrow. Even though Spring Break seemed to fly by in some respect, I feel as if I haven't attended classes in a decade. I don't know... I like school for the most part, but I just don't want to get back into that rushing mentality that seems to accompany it.

dream entry #5

So I was working at a new place for the first time except that this wasn't your conventional store at all. The one store was sort of a miniature mall with a walkway in the middle that separated various sections of the store. There was an icecream shop, a coffee shop (of course), an art studio, a haircutting place, and an area that sold vacuum cleaners. For a while, I sort of hung out behind the counter at the coffee/icecream shop, but I wasn't really doing anything because no one had given me training of any kind or even instructions. So after a while, I started walking around aimlessly, pretending to be busy. After about twenty minutes of this (yes, I checked my watch in my dream), this guy working there asked me why I was just walking around and not really doing anything. I explained to him that I didn't know what the heck I was supposed to be doing, and he said, "Come follow me, and I will show you what to do." So I followed him out the back door of the store complex and found myself in this wonderful, mysterious wooded area/meadow. Immediately upon exiting the building, the guy starting darting so quickly among the trees and brush that I was afraid I'd lose him, but somehow I stayed on the trail. Suddenly, he dove into a pool of water in the middle of the forest, and still, I followed him as he swam deep beneath the surface. I wish I could have seen where he was going, but then I woke up violently without even my alarm clock going off, somehow thinking I'd overslept. I bolted out of bed only to see that it was only 7:59 AM. I guess now I'll never know what he was going to show me.

saving the world one cup of coffee at a time

so I went out to get coffee with one of my professors this afternoon, and we talked for a while about the speaker we had just seen and the applications the material had for our lives. Shouldn't that be what school is? Just a dialogue between teacher and student without having to worry about grades, grad schools, etc. where each feels free to challenge the other and there are no desks or podiums to hide behind.

So today I signed up for my classes for next semester...

and here's what I've got as of right now:

1. Cross Cultural Psychology
2. The Making of the Modern Self (a philosophy class)
3. Russian Lit--The Great Works in Translation
4. Muslims in Western Europe (for my Religion requirement)
5. Elementary Danish

I was really upset because the Hans Christian Anderson class I wanted to take was not listed!! I have emailed the program to inquire about this because that was one of the classes I was most looking forward to. I am really excited about the Making of the Modern Self Class. Hopefully the psych class won't be too bad. (I sort of need it to graduate, anyway, and it would be kind of lame taking "Cross-cultural" psych in America. Plus the Developmental Disorders class I was interested in is at 8:30 AM... and it's likely that I'll have to commute 45 minutes to get to school, so that's just not going to happen.) Also--the Gender, Body, and Sexuality class unfortunately was at the same time as the Making of the Modern Self class, so that sucked. I also want to look into the Food, Film, and Fiction class... that sounds delightful.

So I'm really excited to go to Denmark, but it kind of sucks that I didn't go last semester when I was in my funk. (Yeah, just take a look at my blog entries from last semester, and you'll see what I mean. I don't know if I was depressed per se, but something was "off" to say the least.) Now housing next year is so much more complicated.

but I don't even like raisins...

There was a raisin on my shoe when I took it off just now.
I do not know how it got there.
I don't even remember encountering any raisins today.

I needs me some culture

The other day, I realized that I have not been out of North or South Carolina in 7 years... and that was for a funeral, so that doesn't really count. Outside of my trip to California at age 3, I have not even been further West than about Asheville, NC. Sad.

Man, I can't wait to go to Denmark this fall.

V-day Especial

Hello everyone. So when I was procrastinating last night, I compiled the single best line for Valentine's day from each of the songs I played on my radio show... and it goes something like this:

"would you go along with someone like me?"
"I think I'm in love, but it makes me kinda nervous to say so"
"If you find yourself caught in love, say a prayer to the man above"
"fruit always tastes much sweeter when I'm with you"
"whenever I'm alone with you, you make me feel like I am home again"
"all I do is sleep all day and think of you"
"I'm a high school lover, and you're my favorite flavor"
"Oh my lover for the first time in my life, my eyes can see"
"love is a tired symphony you hum when you're awake"
"you left a lovestain on my heart"
"If music is my lover, you are just a tease"
"hey, lloyd, I'm ready to be heartbroken"
"touch me, baby, tainted love"
"I need a lover with soul power"

all this dust

So I was wondering how it is that everything gets so dusty. Where the heck does it come from anyway? As I was pondering this mystery of life, I drew a squiggly design across the black background of my computer screen. Mere seconds after I did this, I actually watched a piece of dust get sucked onto my computer screen.

I feel like this should be a metaphor for something. All this dust. I mean there's dust on all of my things--my speakers, my picture frames, my dresser, my phone, my computer, etc. Dust is a part of our lives, and the thing is... we really can't stop it from coming. All we can really do is move it around. Displace it. Pull out the Swiffer, perhaps. But it will come back. It always does.

laundry day.

Some weeks after doing laundry, I realize that I
only wore one color scheme all week.

What if...

we only responded to questions with magic 8 ball answers like:
"Better not tell you now"
"Without a doubt"
"Signs point to yes"
"As I see it, yes"
"Outlook not so good"

and my favorite:
"Concentrate and ask again"

on the way home tonight

I noticed that they replaced the old marque on scales "fine art" center. (darn it, I just spent like 10 minutes trying to find the right spelling for that word, but I'm still unsure... you know--those giant signs where you have to stick the letters on one by one). Instead of the good old fashioned magnetic letters (always amusing when letters are missing or backwards), they now have this electronic one with red words that scroll across the screen, and I don't like it. I feel like something is lost with all this technology. So yeah, I was walking by that tonight on the way home from my radio show, when I realized that it displays the time... down to the second! As you walk by, you can literally see the seconds ticking away up there in bright red letters, and the funny thing is, I found myself actually walking faster as I stared at this exhibition of passing time. It was as if I could see my life flying by.

strange and unsettling happenings

last night someone broke into three cars in our parking lot, and today our fire alarm went off for the first time in two years. What the heck? Hopefully theives will see my car and assume that there's nothing valuable in it, and if they do break in, well screw them because my interior lights don't even work, so they will not be able to see anything. so ha! I've been thinking about whether or not I have any valuables in my car, and I can only think of the cd player we had installed.

Other than that, I have these things in my car:
-5 packs of fruit snacks (stolen from home as I walked out the door),
-a large package of napkins (just in case of a spill or a runny nose... who knows how they go there in the first place),
-old directions to venues and the like,
-a bag of cracker jacks left over from the summer (just in case I find myself trapped in my car and am on the verge of starvation),
-and about 6 happy meal toys in the in the back seat leftover from my fast food-eating days.

So unless that ninja turtle on a motorcycle is worth money, I don't think it'd be worth it to break into my car. (apart from said cd player/radio).

On a more positive note, they had something called a crunchy peanut butter bannana bagel at Panera today. I got two, and now I am thrilled about breakfast tomorrow.

I think I'll start assigning numbers to my dream entries... we'll say this is number 4. (4 iskind of arbitrary though.)

Last night I dreamed that everyone walked backwards.


I wonder what that symbolizes. Do I wish I could go back in time? Am I frustrated that life is moving too fast?

http://www.pifmagazine.com/SID/413/

"As soon as I knew that I would be all right, I was sure that I was dead and didn't know it. I moved through the days like a severed head that finishes a sentence. I waited for the moment that would snap me out of my seeming life."

-Amy Hempel

more confessions

sometimes I put my music on shuffle, and I'm pleasantly surprised
sometimes at night I like to just ride my bike around campus once
sometimes I picture what my life would be like with you
sometimes I wish things would just be simple again
sometimes awful things come out of my mouth
sometimes I worry about the state of my soul
sometimes I think about eating chicken
sometimes I am the biggest hypocrite
sometimes I still misspell "definitely"
sometimes I take chances
sometimes I miss you
sometimes I'm lonely
sometimes I look back with regret
sometimes I wake myself up laughing
sometimes I don't know what's true anymore
sometimes I am glad you can't read my mind
sometimes I wish everything were in black in white
sometimes I fancy myself the author of a brilliant novel
sometimes I wish I were still a kid so I could roll down a hill again
sometimes I can be content just sitting in bed and staring blankly into space

so this is the new year...

and I DO feel a bit different, thank you Ben Gibbard.

OK so maybe I don't feel different (differently?), but I'm going to try to adjust my attitude to be a more positive person. I guess nobody likes Debbie Downer even though I get a strange kick out of being pessimistic. It's almost as if it's ok to be pessimistic if you're joking around, but it's not ok if you're serious about it. I really do have some good feelings about this year though. I mean people are getting back from being abroad, I'm going abroad next fall (woo hoo!), I've developed a pretty comfortable routine, etc.

We had to take the Myers Briggs Personality test for RA purposes, and I was an INFJ again... though not strong on the last letter. I seem to flip flop between J and P. I always get a kick out of reading the descriptions though.

"idealistic, complex, and deep"
"deeply committed to their values"
"private, even mysterous"
"quietly forceful"
"Though INFJ's are usually reserved, they don't hesitate to assert themselves when their values are violated"
"The are lyoal to people and institutions that exemplify their values but have little interest in those that do not"
"report that they do not date much"
"may haave high expectations for self"
"may need to compromise to meet professor's expectations"

silent confessions

some things I couldn't tell you:

I still have dreams about you sometimes even though I told myself I got over you last summer.

I looked through all 158 picture of you and your girlfriend even though I haven't talked to you in a year and a half.

I knew this would happen when you gushed to me about her after that first night you spent together. Don't you get it? The beauty of your writing coincides with your anger, your despair, and your desire for something better. I haven't heard you complain in months. I haven't heard you at all. You've stopped writing all-together.


things I don't even want to hear:

you gave college too much credit. you still don't know what you're going to do with your life, and guess what... you still don't have a boyfriend. (and you're not even sure you want one anymore.) If you were a boy, you wouldn't want to date you either.

home hasn't been the same since high school. you don't recognize half the people at church. no one even knows who you are when you come home. people can't hid their dissaproval at choosing to be an English major. You see through that subtle head shake and know they're thinking but you had so much potential.

your father resembles your grandfather more every day.

you're putting up a front... only which one is it? is this all a bunch of "creative writing" or is it the truth?


___________________________________________
I'm frightened of what these words might bring,
but it's important for me to remember these things.

Have you ever taken a look at the books on the shelf at the coffee shop on campus?

we've got The Canadians
The Essential Fat Gram Counter for Ethnic Dining
The Rhetoric of Sexuality and the Literature of the French Renaissance
The Best Short Plays 1982-1983
Alaska Cruises and orts of Call
Memoirs of Medieval Women
and my personal favorite: Help for Shy People

I just don't even know what to make of this.

in 2 weeks I'll be in bed... hibernating for a good 36 hours straight

I am unsure if I should be thankful that there are only two weeks or if I should be terrified that I only have two weeks left with which to complete my growing mountain of work.
I keep thinking to myself only two weeks left! The end is so close! But then I realize crap the end is so close. I'll never finish it all. It's a conflict really.

Food has become a burden... that's when you know it's bad. I get frustrated that I have to schedule time in for eating when I could be doing other things. speaking of...

hot pursuit

So I've had these odd dreams the last two consecutive nights.

Thursday night: that woman from the CSI episode on cults (we watched it in my religious cults and sects class a while back) and I were running away (presumably from a cult we had joined). We had to run through dense woods and through many abandoned houses and barns while these people were running after us. Right when we would think we had successfully ditched them by hiding in a barn or in the woods, these zombie like creatures would come out of hiding and chase us and try to kill us. (Yes... the cult members had turned into zombies of some sort). It was pretty disturbing.

Friday night: I was in a hospital, and I was being chases again, but the circumstances had changed. This time I was running away from Edward Norton for some reason. It was bizarre... towards the beginning of the dream, there was a table with three books on it: The Red Dragon, Hanibal, and Silence of the Lambs, so I guess that's where Edward Norton comes from, but he was the bad guy, and he was creepy. You would think you'd be safe in a hospital (and you'd think I'd want to run toward Edward Norton and wrap my arms around him), but it was anything but safe. It was a frantic chase up and down deserted hosptial floors and in and out of rooms. One door opened to a huge, strange gymnasium sort of room with a sort of an obstacle course. I climbed to the top so that I could at least see Edward coming, but instead of Edward Norton, all of the sudden Andrew Martin (who lives with me in the Eco house) opened the door and started chasing me. Luckily, for some reason, Erin Evans (my boss at the bookstore) saw it all happening and yelled at him saying he was fired. (I think she got him confused with Steve who did work at the bookstore last year because Andrew definitely doesn't.) Yeah... that was about when I woke up.

more with studying abroad

My latest fling = Copenhagen. I stumbled across this website a few weeks ago actually, but it has really started to catch my attention. OK, so it doesn't look like the classes would be a breeze at all, but they do look interesting/intriguing for sure. You basically have to pick a focus program and then you get to add electives of your choice. I think I'd go with the Psychology program--the specialty is about childhood disorders and about child psychology in general, which I think would be great if I decide I want to go into education or be a school psychologist. The class requires 50-60 hours of fieldwork, which is overwhealming, but would be very rewarding. Basically all day Thursdays, I'd be working directly with kids. They've also got some cool-sounding lit classes: Kierkengaard: Philosophy and Meaning in Life, The Making of the Modern Self, Hans Christian Anderson and the Danish Golden Age. The first two classes are also philosophy classes which would be so great since I've been wanting to take more philosophy classes anyway. Yes, so I think I'm going to really try to go there. The question now is: should I take Italian this spring just in case Copenhagen doesn't work out? I don't know. If I don't take it, I definitely won't be able to go to Venice with Wake. I just don't know if that'd be the right program for me though. I really would like to meet people from other schools and to have more options as far as classes go. So we'll see.

I have this great story to tell you about a pair of shoes, but I will leave that for another day. I need to get down to some paper-writing now.

exhibit B

exhibit B
Originally uploaded by kowars4.

written on a bathroom wall
(please read entry from 11/4 for more info)

Do you believe in signs?

So for the past two weeks, I've really been trying to decide about whether or not I will go abroad next fall. If you had asked me three years ago if I planned to study abroad in college, I would have surely answered with an emphatic "yes!" but it's so late in the game now that it's serioulsy a pain in the butt to find the write program. Then I found out the English dept. is going to Venice, and I thought huh... maybe it'll be Venice, then. So I decided to look for signs because as you probably know, I am horrible at making decisions. Really, it's bad, and I'm sort of embarrassed about it because it's not like I don't have opinions or goals. I just always wish I could see ahead to learn which option will turn out to be better. It's so hard when you don't know who you'd end up living with over there, you know? Yes... so back to the signs. Here goes nothing:

Exihibit A:
ok, so I happened to be sitting in the international/travel section in Borders, so this may not exactly be too crazy, but these two people proceeded to talk about Venice for like 30 minutes right in front of me. Interesting, but like I said, some skeptics may claim that the likelihood that something like that would happen increased dramatically since I was in that section. So, I wasn't sure what to make of that and just noted it.

Exhibit B:
please see the picture that hopefully I uploaded correctly to my blog. (wow, this will be the first picture!)
yes, I saw this written on a bathroom wall. The quote is crazy enough as it is, but then there was my name at the bottom of it. Now if that isn't a sign, what is?!

Additionally, I would have to take summer school in order to knock out my remaining divisionals, and I thought this would stop me from going abroad, but I was complaining to Shelia Lockheart of the Religion dept., and she told me I could stay in one of the guest rooms in her house over the summer. wow and wow. Some people are just so nice it makes me wonder if there is something wrong or different about them for being so nice or if there is something wrong about everyone else.

Yes, so I think I am meant to go abroad. Now the question will just be... where? and how the heck am I going to pay for it?

The American Nightmare

OK, so I'm a bit hesitant about putting this out here since I haven't thought it through nearly enough yet, but oh well. I had a revelation this week... maybe on Monday, I'm not sure. I've got an idea for a book that would actually challenge people and hopefully convey some new or unspoken ideas. I realize this is a big claim to make, and that chances are I will no doubt be restating the ideas of someone else. (Please see my post from August 23rd about original thoughts... and then read the comment I added under Sarah's.)

So here it is: pursuit of the "American Dream" is ruining America. In a society where everyone is looking out for their own interests and trying to get the most they can out of life, The gap between the rich and the poor is getting larger and larger; a canyon is forming that eventually will cause such a rift that huge consequences will ensue. I mean check out these startling statistics from 2004: The top 1% of the wealthiest people in the nation got 17% of all income nationwide. The bottom 90 percent got less than 58% (http://www.csmonitor.com/2006/1002/p15s01-cogn.html). I mean what the heck is that?

The American Dream is instilling horrible tendencies in people today. They'll have you think that you won't be happy if you don't make a lot of money, marry someone beautiful and successful at a young age, and wear a suit to work. Seriously though, what does this "dream" say about our society? It says that the IDEAL here is to cover your ass and to make as much money as possible. What an egocentric idea is that?! Forget about all the problems caused on your way to becoming "successful." What is "successful" anyway? How do we define that? Our idea of success has become so twisted. It's sick.

Maybe if we stopped looking out for ourselves, and actually cared about what's going on around us and helping people, America wouldn't suck so much. We need to re-think these goals and ideals that are corrupting our society.

Alright, that's all I've got for now. You can write me off as naive, hopelessly idealistic, crazy, arrogant, or whatever now.

a social experiment of sorts

I have decided to conduct a social experiment of sorts. You know how people are constantly talking on their cell phones on the way to class? Well I'm going to make a concerted effort to listen in on these conversations (yes, I will eavesdrop), and I'll carry around a notebook in which to record snipits of conversations... I think it will shed a light on the state of college students and society today. I do not expect to get really uplifting results. I wonder what this says about me--that I would chose to take on such a project that I expect to have negative results. I will try to keep this bias in check.

the source of inspiration: a girl talking on the phone, "Whatever. We hate her, and that's all that matters."

so yeah, I'll give you a list at some point then.

and... there are so many things I've been meaning to write about. Hopefully I will get around to that at some point.

The thing about reading is this:

I feel like the more I read, the more things that I can't write about because someone has already done it... and done a good job of it. There are so many good analogies or little tangents that I come across reading and think man, I wish I had come up with that or said that first. Of course these sorts of experiences can also help someone develop their style and come up with other illustrations as well. It's tricky though. Sometimes I feel like it's getting harder and harder to say something original.

I learned a new word today: "kitschy." I actually saw it on an article from the student webpage, too, so kudos to whoever wrote the bit about restaurants.

(In case you're wondering, kitsch-something of tawdry design, appearance, or content created to appeal to popular or undiscriminating taste. The sentence they give is this: “When money tries to buy beauty it tends to purchase a kind of courteous kitsch” (William H. Gass).

so there you have it.

what's been bothering me lately:

1. the contraction "won't" -- I mean really what the heck is that a contraction for anyway? Last time I checked, "wo" is not a word. Shouldn't it be "willn't?"

2. when people drive down one-way parking lot lanes going the wrong direction and then look at you like you're the stupid one.

3. debauchery in general.

another addiction...?

honestly, I can of hesitate to advertise this, but here it is:
http://www.myspace.com/ocean_of_crashes

I don't currently have any friends, but I have put in a request for zach braff (who is a new jump, little chidren convert: http://vids.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=vids.individual&videoid=1064544343).


so I have a confession to make... a pretty big one at that. So on Sunday morning I went to church (as typical), but a great portion of the time spent there I found myself thinking about anything other than what was actually going around. It was awful, I felt guilty, but I couldn't really get myself to focus. Then, on the way home I was listening to Coldplay (sort of a flashback to my coldplay-obsessed days), and it hit me that I was having a more "spiritual" time with the music than I had in church. I just don't know what to make of that. You might say that people use music to glorify God, and that's often true, but I don't think that's what was going on in me. For the most part, I can't stand listening to Christian music (at least not the obviously Christian music). Live stuff is ok, but recorded stuff is awful to me and just comes of as cheesy.
I'm trying to live life on my own, without any help from God... we'll see how destructive this turns out to be.

man, you should try the meatless meatballs... they're excellent

So what if instead of speaking in tongues everyone just started dancing dances of native cultures or even ballet or break dancing... anything different. Man, that would be so cool. I'd much rather do that than speak in tongues. Language (at least the speaking kind) is so over-rated. Don't get me wrong... I understand that spoken language is important, but it can be such a barrier sometimes.

So I had my first experience at The Garage (a small music venue/bar in winston-salem), and it was interesting. Man the people alone were virtually worth the 7 bucks. It's that indie crowd of boys in tight clothing and free-spirited girls with long flowing hair. These people just radiate beauty and intrigue. I just sat on the side on a couch and watched people while appeciating the music. Some guy started talking to me, but I'm afraid I'm just not good with making small talk. I don't know. something about it seems so fake. He accused me of dating one of the band members, which was amusing. I guess that was how he justified my lack of interest. (Of course it was probably the only clean cut boy with short blonde hair in the entire place that sat by me. Not exactly my type since middle school.) I want to go back though.

goals accomplished

So I'd say I accomplished some summer-long goals today.

1. I ran to the guard gate at the beginning of the island today--6 miles... oh yeah... and it was like 94 degrees. I have been running four miles daily, but decided to go all out today. It felt so good to accomplish this goal.

2. (the lesser of the three goals (?)) I started (again for the third time) Kurt Vonnegaut's (sp?) book Cat's Cradle with honest intentions of finishing it. It's not that I didn't enjoy it the first two times, I just got side-tracked. You know how that goes.

2. I walked out to the crab dock (this mile-long trail through the woods) by myself without a flashlight. This is sort of a big deal. I was only the third staff member to do it in the past four years. On more than one occassion I heard loud noises right off the path that made me freeze in my tracks as if I were the deer. I walked the whole way with my left hand over my heart so that with every sound of rustling, I could feel my heartbeat pick up speed and intensity (which of course only made it worse. I was getting nervous about being nervous.) I didn't know if I should be making a lot of noise or if I should be silent. The whole experience made me pray harder than I've prayed in a LONG time, and it was certainly humbling.

a little quote for you:

"I have no idea how people function without near-constant internal chaos. I'd lose my mind" (A Heartbreaking work of Staggering Genius 214).

sometimes I wonder if I'm crazy, but then I think that I'd have it no other way.
people sometimes tell me that they wonder what is going on in my head, but that's the way I like it... most of the time.

rain

It's raining right now, and I'm lying in bed--in my bed no less--listening to "Upward Over the Mountain" by Iron and Wine, and well... it's nice. I feel safe and warm and content. You know what? You wanna hear a secret? The beauty of it is that I'm actually really enjoying this solitary time. For the first time in a long time I'm really not focusing any of my attention or intentions on a boy, and it's liberating really. I guess I have felt this sort of freedom for a few weeks now. I'll be honest... at first it was actually just really depressing because I felt like I had nothing to attain, no one to hope for, but as time passed, I began to relish the feeling of independence. Of course this feeling is dangerous... I can see myself more and more accepting the mindset that I can do it all on my own--that I'm unstoppable, invincible, and somehow above all the people struggling with emotions and love, but for now anyway, I'm content to wait my turn. Some day I will meet the right guy, everything will click, and we can disappear together. I will find someone who can take one look at me and know what I am thinking.

The rain falls harder now, and I can't help but ponder the possible symbolism it conveys.

while sitting outside of java java today...

"From the tip of every branch, like a fat purple fig, a wonderful future beckoned and winked. [...] I saw myself sitting in the crotch of this fig tree, starving to death just because I couldn't make up my mind which of the figs I would choose. I wanted each and every one of them, but choosing one meant losing all the rest, and, and I sat there, unable to decide, the figs began to wrinkle and go black, and, one by one, they plopped to the ground at my feet" (Plath, The Bell Jar 62-63).

isn't that how it is? man I really just don't want to have to make decisions. I watched some of the people walking around "freshfields" on kiawah island today, and it looks like they have it all, but for some reason, I just can't imagine they're happy. I know that's an unfair judgement, but I don't want to be like that. I don't want to have to live a certain way to fulfill certain and specific unspoken rules. I read today in a profile of the lead guy from the brunettes that his life goal is to "find the right girl and disappear." What a thrilling goal that is--to disappear with the one you love because nothing else matters; your life is not governed by the raucous sound of paradoxically deafening unspoken rules. I don't know... sometimes I look at people, and I just want to shake them and say, are you happy? are you even alive?

today I truly witnessed one of the most amazing things I've ever seen

So we were on the beach swimming with all the kids... the weather was pretty crappy to begin with: really cloudy and lightly raining, but no thunder/lightening, so it was a go. It started raining harder, so we got all the kids out of the water, and right about when everyone was out, the sky exploded. It rained harder than I've ever seen it rain. Within seconds there was about an inch or two of water covering the beach. (it was low tide, so there was a lot of naked beach.) The water was so deep on the beach that it covered my feet. We couldn't see where the ocean started because of all the water. It was seriously amazing. Mean while the rain was pelting so hard that every kid out there just started screaming at the top of their lungs. It was absolute melee, but it was glorious. It was one of those moments you wish you could share with everyone. It was raining so hard, the rain pelted the sea flat. There were no waves. It got so thick you couldn't see more than five feet out into the water.

well...

I'm not a teenager anymore.

if you don't know who dr. john carter is, you should.

So all of the sudden I have this desire to collect go milk? ads. go figure. apprently though, some people actually sell these things on ebay. Some people additionally sell "clippings" from magazines about random stars. It's sort of crazy really how long it must have took to assemble the 78 clippings of Heath Ledger or whoever else. Seriously, I found one women who must have had at least a thousand different people offered in her clippings. I'll be honest though... I would really enjoy that Noah Wyle got milk ad. All those ER re-runs have been getting to me, and oh man, Dr. John Carter is hot.

oh man.

man, I'm getting way too darn sentimental. I've been home for a week now, but it really actually sucked to leave. The contrast between leaving freshman year and this year is unbelieveable. Freshman year I made a mix for the ride home entitled "Freshman year is FINALLY over!!" seriously. I couldn't wait to get out of that place. This year I actually knew seniors. The last month or so of school I kept thinking man, I'm only going to live with these people until May 5th. After that, they will be out of my life. It doesn't matter that I just lived with them (or saw them all the time). They'll be graduating and moving on... leaving me... here. I don't know. It just sucks. I don't want to live in the house without them next year. When you live with someone, you start to communicate with just facial expressions--it's all about the raised eyebrows, that half smile, the glare. I'm going to miss that so much, as lame as it sounds. It really is the little things that will kill me: the jokes about charles knowing everything, the kitchen constantly smelling like garlic and onion, steve glaring at me in the hall and shaking his head, kasee sending those emails about the state of the kitchen, the roadtrips, family dinners...

I don't want to never see them again. I don't want them to move on until I'm ready to because I'm selfish like that. Man, I'm even going to miss those random seniors I never technically met, but always wanted to. You know--the ones that you always see walking around or the ones that buy coffee from me a few days a week. I really do just like habit. I like doing the same thing every Saturday, always having our dinners together on Sundays, etc. so... I'm thinking about driving up for graduation afterall...

summer = such a flirt--just far enough away to be out of reach but never out of sight

I don't like that phrase "waste time."
how can you decide what wastes time and what doesn't?
why is relaxing and listening to music or enjoying the day by sitting outside wasting time while being studious or working isn't? that's ridiculous and way too arbitrary.

be warned...

so lately I've found myself preceeding many sentences with, "I could have made that up though..." I don't know if I just have a bad memory or I just enjoy making things up or what, but sometimes I just find myself saying something and then I realize that it was not necessarily true at all. If you sound confident, people just believe you. I realize this is pretty deceptive behavior, and I can't really remember when it started. Most of the time it's unintentional... I think... (I bet you thought I was going to say, "but I could have made that up." I'm not that predictable.)

have I said this already? I know I've been thinking it for a while...

There are certain people I always see walking around on campus. It's crazy. It shouldn't happen... statistically speaking, but I really like it. There's something comforting about seeing those few kids everywhere you go even though you have no idea who they are and you've never talked to them. Sometimes I just want to reach out and introduce myself, but that might alter the magical quality of it all. (plus, it could make for awkward situations... many of them since you see this person all the time.) I like to think that we'll meet if we're supposed to. One day something will happen, and it will be amazing. Until then I am free to make up your life. In my head you are this amazingly deep and complex person. Sometimes my eyes give away these secret thoughts as we pass on the way to class. I wonder if that sparkle in your eyes is a coincidence or if you have imagined an alternate reality for me.

because my birthday is actually June 12th

First of all, let me just say that I definately appreciated the birthday wishes I received last Saturday... the thing is you were early by a couple of months. Please don't think I'm a jerk. I realize that my behavior may come off as immature or attention-seeking or even mean, but that was not what I had in mind. Honestly, I just thought it'd be interesting to test how much people rely on facebook for information. It's sick really. Although most of the people who wished me happy birthday had no reason to know when my actual birthday was, there were some of you who have even cellebrated my birthday with me in the past, but you were so convinced that facebook must be right that you went against your instincts. Facebook is NOT infallible, kids. It CAN lie.

the sad thing is no one called me out on it. the only person who came close I only just met a month or two ago, and he really had no reason to know. so... there you have it.

I feel like I'm waiting for something to happen...

I started to write something, but it just wasn't interesting. I'm sorry.

A brief overview since it's been a while:

-Spring Break: I went home. I hung out with my 92 year-old grandfather all day. I'm not really bitter about my spring break. honestly. It just annoyed the crap out of me the Monday classes started back up. Seriously, I am going to make a T-shirt next year detailing my spring break. OK, so if you were one of the few who did not enquire about my spring break... now you know.

-some new music to report:
Band / standout song (if applicable)
Boy Least Likely To / Be Gentle With Me, I see Spiders when I close my Eyes
Half-Handed Cloud / Earth Outside of Gost will Only be Quicksand
Arctic Monkeys / When the Sun Goes Down
The Rosebuds

and some slower stuff (which I spend the majority of my time listening to):
Jose Gonzalez / Heartbeats
The Red House Painters

or I guess you'd know what I've been listening to lately if you are a dedicated stalker.
http://www.last.fm/user/RachL04/

-RiverRun Film festival was quite enjoyable. Looking forward to some crazy marathons next year. I finally met up with some people by accident after trying to coordinate stuff all weekend. I like that. It sort of proves that what's meant to be will be. So... yeah.

-I'm going to be the RA here at the environmental house next year... mixed feelings.

last night while I slept

We've been talking and reading a lot about dreams in my religion class lately, so I thought I'd go ahead and share one one with you. It happened last night.

It was a wherewolf epidemic--the things were just running rampid in the streets, etc. but no one was really scared but me. (I wasn't living at school, at home, or at camp... I don't really know where the heck I was.) So I hid under my bed for a while, but then I realized that since wherewolfs are like dogs in a way, they must have an excellent sense of smell, so I knew hiding wouldn't really do me any good if they got into the house. After worrying about it some more and warning everyone at the house about being careful and not going outside, the door bell rang. Against my pleads, someone opened the door. A scared-looking couple and their young son are standing at the stoop. Since they admitted they were also afraid of the wherewolves, someone encouraged them to stay in our house. Guess what... they weren't wherewolves, but it turns out they were vampires.

The whole time I had been trying to save myself from the wrong thing while the real enemy waltzed right on in.

on the way to class this morning

oh, to walk with closed eyes
feel the sun on my face
and the wind lift my hair
smell spring on its way.
one sense sleeps,
the others wake
to take in the beauty
that is normally lost
in the rush of the day.

MBPT

ok, so if you haven't taken the myers briggs personality test, you really should. It's so darn interesting. You can take an abreviated version for free on the internet: http://www.humanmetrics.com/cgi-win/JTypes2.asp

so take it, and tell me what you get.

I got INFJ (introverted, intuitive, feeling, and judging). I also took the test in high school, and I believe I got either the same thing, or INFP, so I think it's fairly accurate. It's crazy reading the descriptions for the types they have available on the internet. They're sooo true, it's scary. lucky me... my personality type is the least represented in the general population--a mere 1.5%. I guess that explains some things. famous INFJ's include: Chaucer, Hawthorne, Shirley Temple, MLK jr., mother Theresa, and Billy Crystal. I'm an idealist: big surprise there.

ooo here's a good line: "Life is not necessarily easy for the INFJ, but they are capable of great depth of feeling and personal achievement." oh ok. so uh yeah... check it out.

a sign of better times?

so tonight in a bizarre twist of fate/turn of events, a light actually went on as I walked by in Q. This sudden unexpected illumination occurred moments after I actually half-smiled at some random guy passing by as he silently mouthed, hey. It was one of those rare moments where neither of you suddenly diverts their eyes to look at the fascinating sidewalk, which is known as a lame attempt to avoid human interaction. it was indeed a magical moment under the glow of those infamous lighted poles in Q which I had previously thought had secretly conspired against me.

you may wonder why it means so much to me that a stranger would say hi since I typically don't like these often false and mindless exchanges. but in my romanticized brain, the stranger has no reason or obligation to acknowledge my presence; thus, it was a conscious choice.

There are certain people I feel like I am always seeing around campus, yet I know nothing about their lives. For some our lives seem to be parallel more than chance would dictate. Although I often long to get to know these people, I know it would be best to maintain that false reality I have created for them.

The advantage of the ideal theory over the popular faith is this, that it presents the world in precisely that view which is most desirable to the mind... For seen in the light of thought, the world is always phenomenal. --Emerson

"nothing" is the matter

So many things I want to tell you. Maybe some other time.

a light went out again tonight in Q as I walked by silently by myself, and I couldn't help but smile.

I think I'll sleep really well tonight as soon as I'm exhausted by thinking for a while. Usually it annoys me when I can't sleep, but I think I almost want to lie in bed for a while tonight. Somehow I can create turmoil and distress out of a vast amount of nothingness... or maybe that's the problem--nothing. you'll have to think about that for a minute, but it makes sense... to me, anyway.

granted not having short term memory mostly sucks... sometimes it'd be pretty sweet

So I got some chaco's yesterday. they were 50% off, and that's exciting. I think I have problems with buying/aquiring things that I simply don't need though. I mean I'll definately use my chaco's, but did I really need CHACO's or would some other brand have served the purpose? Also--am I buying them to try to fit in and be more outdoorsy? outdoorsy people are just as bad as frat guys. they just conform to different things. Outdoors clothing is EXPENSIVE, and there are definately name brands and non-name brands. Maybe it's polo shirts for one group, but it's chaco's or patagonia raincoats or whatever for the other group. I do have a slightly humerous or endearing story about the chaco's though:

so it was just a few hours after I had purchased the chaco's. They were lying on the floor next to my desk when I walked in and actually thought to myself: hmmm those are pretty sweet. I wonder whose they are. Then I realized they were mine, and I got giddy all over again. I sort of wish that would happen everyday to me. I think I'd be a lot happier if it did. I'd wake up, and think A laptop! holy crap! that's awesome! WITH WIRELESS internet access?! NO WAY!!!!

It's about to get interesting, kids.

classes start tomorrow... oh boy.
While I was considering dropping my 8am sociology, I confess I looked at the roster, and decided it may be worth keeping. There are some interesting kids in that class, so we'll see how it goes. Yeah, so my schedule is pretty much up in the air, but I think that is a good thing overall. It will certainly make it more interesting. I'll keep you posted. ha... haha.

What I'm looking for:

We took these compatibility test things in high school as a fundraiser of sorts. I sort of wish we would do something like that in college just because I feel like there must be some great people out there that I’m just not meeting. Sort of in the spirit of that, I thought I'd do a little post about the qualities I am looking for... you will probably find this at best amusing and at worst pathetic. Eh, at this point I really don't think anyone reads this anyway, so I've got nothing to lose. I think there is a 150- point max just so you know.

Drives a Volvo………….+4

Drives a smaller car………+3

Tall, dark, and hansom…….+6

Majoring/minoring in English, Psych, Env. Studies, Sociology, Religion, Education…+5

Likes good music…………..+8

Episcopalian………………..+9

Catholic………………….+7

Presbyterian…………….+7

Other sort of Protestant Christian…….+5

Dresses well……………..+5

Plays a musical instrument…+7

Has a good set of morals……+7

Makes me laugh……………..+7

I like the parents……………….+6

Likes the outdoors…………+7

Has mastered the whole dorky/cute look……+6

Is a good hugger………….+8

Is passionate about something in life……..+8

Writes poetry/songs………+5

Is soft-spoken……………..+7

Likes kids/good with kids…….+8

Maintains eye contact……………..+7

Challenges me…………………..+7

Can hold a decent conversation…………+8

Comfortable with silence………………+7

Drives an SUV…………-5

Hunts……………………-10

Listens to country/rap music……-5

Drinks too much…………-9

In a fraternity……………-5

Isn't a Christian............-10

so what's your score?

but I don't want it to end...

in some strange way it seems to me that if I post something now, before tomorrow night, part of me will always be waiting for that last show. Earlier tonight I thought I’d actually be OK with this being the end, but lately I decided that it is definitely going to be rough afterall—devastating even. No more shows to look forward to with certainty. I need to keep reminding myself that the guys deserve to take a break, to be happy, and to do their own thing. I’m sure we will meet again some day. I have to think that.

Tonight was lovely by the way. I'm hoping tomorrow night will be spectactular.

another Christmas has passed...

Man, for some reason I am just rarely in the whole Christmas mood. It comes in spurts... all of the sudden I'll start singing a random Christmas carol in the kitchen or whatever, but that's about it. It's not like I want it to be that way. I sort of secretly want to be one of those people who is totally into Christmas, etc. just because they get so happy and into it and all, but I just can't dig up those sort of feelings.

Christmas this year was not much unlike Christmases of the past for me anyway. My mom insisted on buying me a bunch of stuff I'd never pick out for myself--her theme was pajamas this year. (I guess this is because of the whole in the butt of my favorite pajama pants... which by they way no one at the house told me about. I wonder how long it has been there.) So yeah... I got three pj sets more or less with christmas decorations on them. If you know me well (/live in the house) you know that I am often clad in pajama pants, and I just don't want to be wearing pj's with dalmations holding christmas presents on them in august. I don't know. I sound like an awful spoiled brat or something, but trust me... I don't like enjoy the whole process largely because it stresses my mom out since she always struggles with what to buy me. She does this thing--looks down and sort of does this odd smile/frown thing, and says, "yeah, I didn't think you'd really like them anyway. We can return them I guess." It just sucks.

So yeah... yesterday was pretty much a marathon shopping day. The highlites: I found a pretty sweet dress for dockstreet for $31 dollars. It was exciting. I will not go into how I feel about dockstreet quite yet. that will come. I also got a multitude of other things while shopping. Lately I have been using the word "multitude" a lot--just so you know.

I found this ironic:

at JC Penny, the sexy lingerie area is located right next to the maternity clothes area. ha... haha. I don't know... I thought it was pretty funny at the time.

high expectations

Man, you know it’s a good commercial when you see it, and you want to buy it even though you know from experience that it's just not that good. I was psyched about the Sonic Gingerbread Blast milkshake for days, and after my mom bought me one, I proclaimed my happiness, but after I had tried it, I found it did not live up to my high expectations. (so many commas.) my high expectations often mess up everything. I mean I know I should have high expectations for life and other random things sometimes, but it sucks when they’re just never met. I could go on about this for quite awhile and complain about my (lack of a) love life, but I will spare you.

let's talk about the weather--that's safe.

Everyone keeps saying that it's so cold here, but it's really not. I can go outside most of the time without a jacket (during the day), and it's been into the 50's and 60's. I guess it just seems warmer coming from Winston-Salem where I left behind freezing rain and wintry mixes.

been sitting around like a bum the last few days. I've been trying like mad to get a job. The manager at American Eagle actually recognizes me when I walk in now (I'm not sure if this is a good thing or not). Dad told me I had to be aggressive, so I've been trying. I still hadn't received any phone calls despite the promise from the woman at AE, so I went back today. After stopping in at a few stores I had applied to earlier, I was walking back out to my car when I decided to stop at one more place... Sam Goody. I chatted with the two women behind the counter only to later find out that one of them was the manager--which actually was perfect since I didn't really have the time to get nervous, and I was more myself up until then). Anyway, I filled out some forms, and she told me they'd have to do a background check on me, but she told me to fill out some W-4 forms (and that is a good sign) and to come back in a day or two and I could start working. So this is extremely good news. I don't know why I didn't stop in there before. I don't have to worry about wearing clothing the store sells every day since they don't sell clothes there, and there doesn't seem to be a real dress code, and they sell music and dvd's and stuff which is better than clothes anyday. Plus, they're right across from a coffee place. oh yes, this is going to be the beautiful start of something.

been getting darn sentimental lately thinking about the end of my favorite band, Jump, Little Children. No more stand-up shows. No more eagerly waiting for hours to see them. No more road trips. It's all just really sad. And I only just started to actually talk to the guys. (esp at the most recent show at NCSA--which I technically shouldn't have been allowed to see. I actually helped them unload their stuff though... it was great.) I know this is bad and may be unhealthy, but I really, really have enjoyed going to their shows. It has given me something to look forward to, and well after 12/30, there will be no more. I mean my favorite band isn't one of those that sells out amphitheatres and tours maybe once every three years. You actually get to talk to them, and you could reach out and touch them at shows if you wanted to b/c they're that close. plus, they're just so real. ok, I should stop now because you probably think I'm crazy.

Time to make some dinner para la familia.

detached.

Man, yesterday I was in a weird mood. I guess it was because I was sick, but I really can't blame it on meds since I didn't take any. I'm kind of against medication when it can be avoided. Actually, this dislike/fear of doctors and medicine has been in my family for a while. I recently found out that my great grandmother basically died because she refused to go to the doctor after chronic severe stomach problems, and then her spleen or something ruptured. (OK, that was a tangent, and it didn't really help my case at all.) Really though, I think my immune system is better because it actually gets to work out. Maybe my bizarre behavior yesterday was just my own immune system secreting something resembling medication that made me feel/act so weird.

I just literally didn't feel like doing anything, but it wasn't just slough because I didn't want to do nothing but I didn't want to do anything. (you might have to read that sentence a few times, but it really does make sense. I promise.) I didn't even want to sleep. That's how weird it was. I just literally didn't want to even be. and it wasn't even because I felt crappy because I really didn't. I know this emotion is hardly warranted when my life is compared to that of others. I know this.

Then later on I was especially hyper even though I had not taken in any caffeine. It was like my body just forgot to secrete some hormone and then put out a whole lot of it at once to make up for it. Looking back on it makes me wonder if that is what it is like to be depressed... if depression is some sort of hormonal imbalance. It makes sense. That is so crazy though. I don't know if it's worse to not feel anything or to feel too much--like too much lonliness or sadness or heartbreak or helplessness. There must be different types of depression that are really almost opposites if you think about it. Really though, is it better to not feel at all or to feel awful inside? sometimes I wonder.

I'm home

So right when I crossed the border into South Carolina, I looked around and suddenly the cars I thought were around me the whole time all had South CArolina liscense plates on them. How and when does the switch take place? I could have sworn they were all NC plates thirty seconds earlier.

Going job searching tomorrow. Wish me luck.

I hate cell phones except when I'm talking to you

I don't know why,
but something in your voice changed that night.
You had never sounded harsh at all,
but the night you brought me out of my dreams
your voice was soft and gentle.
Was it something in you that changed that night
or something in me?
or did it only seem different because I had just awakened?
...
Although we're in different places
somehow we're connected by a wire
that spans across the continent.
It is this thin string that ties us together.
I can hear you breathing,
but I can't touch you.
Maybe it's safer that way.
...
I told you once that thinking about you
made me want to write poetry,
so here it is.
There is no rhyme and no rythm--
only my emotions conveyed through these words.