The American Nightmare

OK, so I'm a bit hesitant about putting this out here since I haven't thought it through nearly enough yet, but oh well. I had a revelation this week... maybe on Monday, I'm not sure. I've got an idea for a book that would actually challenge people and hopefully convey some new or unspoken ideas. I realize this is a big claim to make, and that chances are I will no doubt be restating the ideas of someone else. (Please see my post from August 23rd about original thoughts... and then read the comment I added under Sarah's.)

So here it is: pursuit of the "American Dream" is ruining America. In a society where everyone is looking out for their own interests and trying to get the most they can out of life, The gap between the rich and the poor is getting larger and larger; a canyon is forming that eventually will cause such a rift that huge consequences will ensue. I mean check out these startling statistics from 2004: The top 1% of the wealthiest people in the nation got 17% of all income nationwide. The bottom 90 percent got less than 58% (http://www.csmonitor.com/2006/1002/p15s01-cogn.html). I mean what the heck is that?

The American Dream is instilling horrible tendencies in people today. They'll have you think that you won't be happy if you don't make a lot of money, marry someone beautiful and successful at a young age, and wear a suit to work. Seriously though, what does this "dream" say about our society? It says that the IDEAL here is to cover your ass and to make as much money as possible. What an egocentric idea is that?! Forget about all the problems caused on your way to becoming "successful." What is "successful" anyway? How do we define that? Our idea of success has become so twisted. It's sick.

Maybe if we stopped looking out for ourselves, and actually cared about what's going on around us and helping people, America wouldn't suck so much. We need to re-think these goals and ideals that are corrupting our society.

Alright, that's all I've got for now. You can write me off as naive, hopelessly idealistic, crazy, arrogant, or whatever now.

a social experiment of sorts

I have decided to conduct a social experiment of sorts. You know how people are constantly talking on their cell phones on the way to class? Well I'm going to make a concerted effort to listen in on these conversations (yes, I will eavesdrop), and I'll carry around a notebook in which to record snipits of conversations... I think it will shed a light on the state of college students and society today. I do not expect to get really uplifting results. I wonder what this says about me--that I would chose to take on such a project that I expect to have negative results. I will try to keep this bias in check.

the source of inspiration: a girl talking on the phone, "Whatever. We hate her, and that's all that matters."

so yeah, I'll give you a list at some point then.

and... there are so many things I've been meaning to write about. Hopefully I will get around to that at some point.

The thing about reading is this:

I feel like the more I read, the more things that I can't write about because someone has already done it... and done a good job of it. There are so many good analogies or little tangents that I come across reading and think man, I wish I had come up with that or said that first. Of course these sorts of experiences can also help someone develop their style and come up with other illustrations as well. It's tricky though. Sometimes I feel like it's getting harder and harder to say something original.

I learned a new word today: "kitschy." I actually saw it on an article from the student webpage, too, so kudos to whoever wrote the bit about restaurants.

(In case you're wondering, kitsch-something of tawdry design, appearance, or content created to appeal to popular or undiscriminating taste. The sentence they give is this: “When money tries to buy beauty it tends to purchase a kind of courteous kitsch” (William H. Gass).

so there you have it.

what's been bothering me lately:

1. the contraction "won't" -- I mean really what the heck is that a contraction for anyway? Last time I checked, "wo" is not a word. Shouldn't it be "willn't?"

2. when people drive down one-way parking lot lanes going the wrong direction and then look at you like you're the stupid one.

3. debauchery in general.

another addiction...?

honestly, I can of hesitate to advertise this, but here it is:
http://www.myspace.com/ocean_of_crashes

I don't currently have any friends, but I have put in a request for zach braff (who is a new jump, little chidren convert: http://vids.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=vids.individual&videoid=1064544343).


so I have a confession to make... a pretty big one at that. So on Sunday morning I went to church (as typical), but a great portion of the time spent there I found myself thinking about anything other than what was actually going around. It was awful, I felt guilty, but I couldn't really get myself to focus. Then, on the way home I was listening to Coldplay (sort of a flashback to my coldplay-obsessed days), and it hit me that I was having a more "spiritual" time with the music than I had in church. I just don't know what to make of that. You might say that people use music to glorify God, and that's often true, but I don't think that's what was going on in me. For the most part, I can't stand listening to Christian music (at least not the obviously Christian music). Live stuff is ok, but recorded stuff is awful to me and just comes of as cheesy.
I'm trying to live life on my own, without any help from God... we'll see how destructive this turns out to be.

man, you should try the meatless meatballs... they're excellent

So what if instead of speaking in tongues everyone just started dancing dances of native cultures or even ballet or break dancing... anything different. Man, that would be so cool. I'd much rather do that than speak in tongues. Language (at least the speaking kind) is so over-rated. Don't get me wrong... I understand that spoken language is important, but it can be such a barrier sometimes.

So I had my first experience at The Garage (a small music venue/bar in winston-salem), and it was interesting. Man the people alone were virtually worth the 7 bucks. It's that indie crowd of boys in tight clothing and free-spirited girls with long flowing hair. These people just radiate beauty and intrigue. I just sat on the side on a couch and watched people while appeciating the music. Some guy started talking to me, but I'm afraid I'm just not good with making small talk. I don't know. something about it seems so fake. He accused me of dating one of the band members, which was amusing. I guess that was how he justified my lack of interest. (Of course it was probably the only clean cut boy with short blonde hair in the entire place that sat by me. Not exactly my type since middle school.) I want to go back though.

goals accomplished

So I'd say I accomplished some summer-long goals today.

1. I ran to the guard gate at the beginning of the island today--6 miles... oh yeah... and it was like 94 degrees. I have been running four miles daily, but decided to go all out today. It felt so good to accomplish this goal.

2. (the lesser of the three goals (?)) I started (again for the third time) Kurt Vonnegaut's (sp?) book Cat's Cradle with honest intentions of finishing it. It's not that I didn't enjoy it the first two times, I just got side-tracked. You know how that goes.

2. I walked out to the crab dock (this mile-long trail through the woods) by myself without a flashlight. This is sort of a big deal. I was only the third staff member to do it in the past four years. On more than one occassion I heard loud noises right off the path that made me freeze in my tracks as if I were the deer. I walked the whole way with my left hand over my heart so that with every sound of rustling, I could feel my heartbeat pick up speed and intensity (which of course only made it worse. I was getting nervous about being nervous.) I didn't know if I should be making a lot of noise or if I should be silent. The whole experience made me pray harder than I've prayed in a LONG time, and it was certainly humbling.

a little quote for you:

"I have no idea how people function without near-constant internal chaos. I'd lose my mind" (A Heartbreaking work of Staggering Genius 214).

sometimes I wonder if I'm crazy, but then I think that I'd have it no other way.
people sometimes tell me that they wonder what is going on in my head, but that's the way I like it... most of the time.

rain

It's raining right now, and I'm lying in bed--in my bed no less--listening to "Upward Over the Mountain" by Iron and Wine, and well... it's nice. I feel safe and warm and content. You know what? You wanna hear a secret? The beauty of it is that I'm actually really enjoying this solitary time. For the first time in a long time I'm really not focusing any of my attention or intentions on a boy, and it's liberating really. I guess I have felt this sort of freedom for a few weeks now. I'll be honest... at first it was actually just really depressing because I felt like I had nothing to attain, no one to hope for, but as time passed, I began to relish the feeling of independence. Of course this feeling is dangerous... I can see myself more and more accepting the mindset that I can do it all on my own--that I'm unstoppable, invincible, and somehow above all the people struggling with emotions and love, but for now anyway, I'm content to wait my turn. Some day I will meet the right guy, everything will click, and we can disappear together. I will find someone who can take one look at me and know what I am thinking.

The rain falls harder now, and I can't help but ponder the possible symbolism it conveys.

while sitting outside of java java today...

"From the tip of every branch, like a fat purple fig, a wonderful future beckoned and winked. [...] I saw myself sitting in the crotch of this fig tree, starving to death just because I couldn't make up my mind which of the figs I would choose. I wanted each and every one of them, but choosing one meant losing all the rest, and, and I sat there, unable to decide, the figs began to wrinkle and go black, and, one by one, they plopped to the ground at my feet" (Plath, The Bell Jar 62-63).

isn't that how it is? man I really just don't want to have to make decisions. I watched some of the people walking around "freshfields" on kiawah island today, and it looks like they have it all, but for some reason, I just can't imagine they're happy. I know that's an unfair judgement, but I don't want to be like that. I don't want to have to live a certain way to fulfill certain and specific unspoken rules. I read today in a profile of the lead guy from the brunettes that his life goal is to "find the right girl and disappear." What a thrilling goal that is--to disappear with the one you love because nothing else matters; your life is not governed by the raucous sound of paradoxically deafening unspoken rules. I don't know... sometimes I look at people, and I just want to shake them and say, are you happy? are you even alive?

today I truly witnessed one of the most amazing things I've ever seen

So we were on the beach swimming with all the kids... the weather was pretty crappy to begin with: really cloudy and lightly raining, but no thunder/lightening, so it was a go. It started raining harder, so we got all the kids out of the water, and right about when everyone was out, the sky exploded. It rained harder than I've ever seen it rain. Within seconds there was about an inch or two of water covering the beach. (it was low tide, so there was a lot of naked beach.) The water was so deep on the beach that it covered my feet. We couldn't see where the ocean started because of all the water. It was seriously amazing. Mean while the rain was pelting so hard that every kid out there just started screaming at the top of their lungs. It was absolute melee, but it was glorious. It was one of those moments you wish you could share with everyone. It was raining so hard, the rain pelted the sea flat. There were no waves. It got so thick you couldn't see more than five feet out into the water.

well...

I'm not a teenager anymore.

if you don't know who dr. john carter is, you should.

So all of the sudden I have this desire to collect go milk? ads. go figure. apprently though, some people actually sell these things on ebay. Some people additionally sell "clippings" from magazines about random stars. It's sort of crazy really how long it must have took to assemble the 78 clippings of Heath Ledger or whoever else. Seriously, I found one women who must have had at least a thousand different people offered in her clippings. I'll be honest though... I would really enjoy that Noah Wyle got milk ad. All those ER re-runs have been getting to me, and oh man, Dr. John Carter is hot.

oh man.

man, I'm getting way too darn sentimental. I've been home for a week now, but it really actually sucked to leave. The contrast between leaving freshman year and this year is unbelieveable. Freshman year I made a mix for the ride home entitled "Freshman year is FINALLY over!!" seriously. I couldn't wait to get out of that place. This year I actually knew seniors. The last month or so of school I kept thinking man, I'm only going to live with these people until May 5th. After that, they will be out of my life. It doesn't matter that I just lived with them (or saw them all the time). They'll be graduating and moving on... leaving me... here. I don't know. It just sucks. I don't want to live in the house without them next year. When you live with someone, you start to communicate with just facial expressions--it's all about the raised eyebrows, that half smile, the glare. I'm going to miss that so much, as lame as it sounds. It really is the little things that will kill me: the jokes about charles knowing everything, the kitchen constantly smelling like garlic and onion, steve glaring at me in the hall and shaking his head, kasee sending those emails about the state of the kitchen, the roadtrips, family dinners...

I don't want to never see them again. I don't want them to move on until I'm ready to because I'm selfish like that. Man, I'm even going to miss those random seniors I never technically met, but always wanted to. You know--the ones that you always see walking around or the ones that buy coffee from me a few days a week. I really do just like habit. I like doing the same thing every Saturday, always having our dinners together on Sundays, etc. so... I'm thinking about driving up for graduation afterall...

summer = such a flirt--just far enough away to be out of reach but never out of sight

I don't like that phrase "waste time."
how can you decide what wastes time and what doesn't?
why is relaxing and listening to music or enjoying the day by sitting outside wasting time while being studious or working isn't? that's ridiculous and way too arbitrary.

be warned...

so lately I've found myself preceeding many sentences with, "I could have made that up though..." I don't know if I just have a bad memory or I just enjoy making things up or what, but sometimes I just find myself saying something and then I realize that it was not necessarily true at all. If you sound confident, people just believe you. I realize this is pretty deceptive behavior, and I can't really remember when it started. Most of the time it's unintentional... I think... (I bet you thought I was going to say, "but I could have made that up." I'm not that predictable.)

have I said this already? I know I've been thinking it for a while...

There are certain people I always see walking around on campus. It's crazy. It shouldn't happen... statistically speaking, but I really like it. There's something comforting about seeing those few kids everywhere you go even though you have no idea who they are and you've never talked to them. Sometimes I just want to reach out and introduce myself, but that might alter the magical quality of it all. (plus, it could make for awkward situations... many of them since you see this person all the time.) I like to think that we'll meet if we're supposed to. One day something will happen, and it will be amazing. Until then I am free to make up your life. In my head you are this amazingly deep and complex person. Sometimes my eyes give away these secret thoughts as we pass on the way to class. I wonder if that sparkle in your eyes is a coincidence or if you have imagined an alternate reality for me.

because my birthday is actually June 12th

First of all, let me just say that I definately appreciated the birthday wishes I received last Saturday... the thing is you were early by a couple of months. Please don't think I'm a jerk. I realize that my behavior may come off as immature or attention-seeking or even mean, but that was not what I had in mind. Honestly, I just thought it'd be interesting to test how much people rely on facebook for information. It's sick really. Although most of the people who wished me happy birthday had no reason to know when my actual birthday was, there were some of you who have even cellebrated my birthday with me in the past, but you were so convinced that facebook must be right that you went against your instincts. Facebook is NOT infallible, kids. It CAN lie.

the sad thing is no one called me out on it. the only person who came close I only just met a month or two ago, and he really had no reason to know. so... there you have it.

I feel like I'm waiting for something to happen...

I started to write something, but it just wasn't interesting. I'm sorry.

A brief overview since it's been a while:

-Spring Break: I went home. I hung out with my 92 year-old grandfather all day. I'm not really bitter about my spring break. honestly. It just annoyed the crap out of me the Monday classes started back up. Seriously, I am going to make a T-shirt next year detailing my spring break. OK, so if you were one of the few who did not enquire about my spring break... now you know.

-some new music to report:
Band / standout song (if applicable)
Boy Least Likely To / Be Gentle With Me, I see Spiders when I close my Eyes
Half-Handed Cloud / Earth Outside of Gost will Only be Quicksand
Arctic Monkeys / When the Sun Goes Down
The Rosebuds

and some slower stuff (which I spend the majority of my time listening to):
Jose Gonzalez / Heartbeats
The Red House Painters

or I guess you'd know what I've been listening to lately if you are a dedicated stalker.
http://www.last.fm/user/RachL04/

-RiverRun Film festival was quite enjoyable. Looking forward to some crazy marathons next year. I finally met up with some people by accident after trying to coordinate stuff all weekend. I like that. It sort of proves that what's meant to be will be. So... yeah.

-I'm going to be the RA here at the environmental house next year... mixed feelings.

last night while I slept

We've been talking and reading a lot about dreams in my religion class lately, so I thought I'd go ahead and share one one with you. It happened last night.

It was a wherewolf epidemic--the things were just running rampid in the streets, etc. but no one was really scared but me. (I wasn't living at school, at home, or at camp... I don't really know where the heck I was.) So I hid under my bed for a while, but then I realized that since wherewolfs are like dogs in a way, they must have an excellent sense of smell, so I knew hiding wouldn't really do me any good if they got into the house. After worrying about it some more and warning everyone at the house about being careful and not going outside, the door bell rang. Against my pleads, someone opened the door. A scared-looking couple and their young son are standing at the stoop. Since they admitted they were also afraid of the wherewolves, someone encouraged them to stay in our house. Guess what... they weren't wherewolves, but it turns out they were vampires.

The whole time I had been trying to save myself from the wrong thing while the real enemy waltzed right on in.

on the way to class this morning

oh, to walk with closed eyes
feel the sun on my face
and the wind lift my hair
smell spring on its way.
one sense sleeps,
the others wake
to take in the beauty
that is normally lost
in the rush of the day.

MBPT

ok, so if you haven't taken the myers briggs personality test, you really should. It's so darn interesting. You can take an abreviated version for free on the internet: http://www.humanmetrics.com/cgi-win/JTypes2.asp

so take it, and tell me what you get.

I got INFJ (introverted, intuitive, feeling, and judging). I also took the test in high school, and I believe I got either the same thing, or INFP, so I think it's fairly accurate. It's crazy reading the descriptions for the types they have available on the internet. They're sooo true, it's scary. lucky me... my personality type is the least represented in the general population--a mere 1.5%. I guess that explains some things. famous INFJ's include: Chaucer, Hawthorne, Shirley Temple, MLK jr., mother Theresa, and Billy Crystal. I'm an idealist: big surprise there.

ooo here's a good line: "Life is not necessarily easy for the INFJ, but they are capable of great depth of feeling and personal achievement." oh ok. so uh yeah... check it out.

a sign of better times?

so tonight in a bizarre twist of fate/turn of events, a light actually went on as I walked by in Q. This sudden unexpected illumination occurred moments after I actually half-smiled at some random guy passing by as he silently mouthed, hey. It was one of those rare moments where neither of you suddenly diverts their eyes to look at the fascinating sidewalk, which is known as a lame attempt to avoid human interaction. it was indeed a magical moment under the glow of those infamous lighted poles in Q which I had previously thought had secretly conspired against me.

you may wonder why it means so much to me that a stranger would say hi since I typically don't like these often false and mindless exchanges. but in my romanticized brain, the stranger has no reason or obligation to acknowledge my presence; thus, it was a conscious choice.

There are certain people I feel like I am always seeing around campus, yet I know nothing about their lives. For some our lives seem to be parallel more than chance would dictate. Although I often long to get to know these people, I know it would be best to maintain that false reality I have created for them.

The advantage of the ideal theory over the popular faith is this, that it presents the world in precisely that view which is most desirable to the mind... For seen in the light of thought, the world is always phenomenal. --Emerson

"nothing" is the matter

So many things I want to tell you. Maybe some other time.

a light went out again tonight in Q as I walked by silently by myself, and I couldn't help but smile.

I think I'll sleep really well tonight as soon as I'm exhausted by thinking for a while. Usually it annoys me when I can't sleep, but I think I almost want to lie in bed for a while tonight. Somehow I can create turmoil and distress out of a vast amount of nothingness... or maybe that's the problem--nothing. you'll have to think about that for a minute, but it makes sense... to me, anyway.

granted not having short term memory mostly sucks... sometimes it'd be pretty sweet

So I got some chaco's yesterday. they were 50% off, and that's exciting. I think I have problems with buying/aquiring things that I simply don't need though. I mean I'll definately use my chaco's, but did I really need CHACO's or would some other brand have served the purpose? Also--am I buying them to try to fit in and be more outdoorsy? outdoorsy people are just as bad as frat guys. they just conform to different things. Outdoors clothing is EXPENSIVE, and there are definately name brands and non-name brands. Maybe it's polo shirts for one group, but it's chaco's or patagonia raincoats or whatever for the other group. I do have a slightly humerous or endearing story about the chaco's though:

so it was just a few hours after I had purchased the chaco's. They were lying on the floor next to my desk when I walked in and actually thought to myself: hmmm those are pretty sweet. I wonder whose they are. Then I realized they were mine, and I got giddy all over again. I sort of wish that would happen everyday to me. I think I'd be a lot happier if it did. I'd wake up, and think A laptop! holy crap! that's awesome! WITH WIRELESS internet access?! NO WAY!!!!

It's about to get interesting, kids.

classes start tomorrow... oh boy.
While I was considering dropping my 8am sociology, I confess I looked at the roster, and decided it may be worth keeping. There are some interesting kids in that class, so we'll see how it goes. Yeah, so my schedule is pretty much up in the air, but I think that is a good thing overall. It will certainly make it more interesting. I'll keep you posted. ha... haha.

What I'm looking for:

We took these compatibility test things in high school as a fundraiser of sorts. I sort of wish we would do something like that in college just because I feel like there must be some great people out there that I’m just not meeting. Sort of in the spirit of that, I thought I'd do a little post about the qualities I am looking for... you will probably find this at best amusing and at worst pathetic. Eh, at this point I really don't think anyone reads this anyway, so I've got nothing to lose. I think there is a 150- point max just so you know.

Drives a Volvo………….+4

Drives a smaller car………+3

Tall, dark, and hansom…….+6

Majoring/minoring in English, Psych, Env. Studies, Sociology, Religion, Education…+5

Likes good music…………..+8

Episcopalian………………..+9

Catholic………………….+7

Presbyterian…………….+7

Other sort of Protestant Christian…….+5

Dresses well……………..+5

Plays a musical instrument…+7

Has a good set of morals……+7

Makes me laugh……………..+7

I like the parents……………….+6

Likes the outdoors…………+7

Has mastered the whole dorky/cute look……+6

Is a good hugger………….+8

Is passionate about something in life……..+8

Writes poetry/songs………+5

Is soft-spoken……………..+7

Likes kids/good with kids…….+8

Maintains eye contact……………..+7

Challenges me…………………..+7

Can hold a decent conversation…………+8

Comfortable with silence………………+7

Drives an SUV…………-5

Hunts……………………-10

Listens to country/rap music……-5

Drinks too much…………-9

In a fraternity……………-5

Isn't a Christian............-10

so what's your score?

but I don't want it to end...

in some strange way it seems to me that if I post something now, before tomorrow night, part of me will always be waiting for that last show. Earlier tonight I thought I’d actually be OK with this being the end, but lately I decided that it is definitely going to be rough afterall—devastating even. No more shows to look forward to with certainty. I need to keep reminding myself that the guys deserve to take a break, to be happy, and to do their own thing. I’m sure we will meet again some day. I have to think that.

Tonight was lovely by the way. I'm hoping tomorrow night will be spectactular.

another Christmas has passed...

Man, for some reason I am just rarely in the whole Christmas mood. It comes in spurts... all of the sudden I'll start singing a random Christmas carol in the kitchen or whatever, but that's about it. It's not like I want it to be that way. I sort of secretly want to be one of those people who is totally into Christmas, etc. just because they get so happy and into it and all, but I just can't dig up those sort of feelings.

Christmas this year was not much unlike Christmases of the past for me anyway. My mom insisted on buying me a bunch of stuff I'd never pick out for myself--her theme was pajamas this year. (I guess this is because of the whole in the butt of my favorite pajama pants... which by they way no one at the house told me about. I wonder how long it has been there.) So yeah... I got three pj sets more or less with christmas decorations on them. If you know me well (/live in the house) you know that I am often clad in pajama pants, and I just don't want to be wearing pj's with dalmations holding christmas presents on them in august. I don't know. I sound like an awful spoiled brat or something, but trust me... I don't like enjoy the whole process largely because it stresses my mom out since she always struggles with what to buy me. She does this thing--looks down and sort of does this odd smile/frown thing, and says, "yeah, I didn't think you'd really like them anyway. We can return them I guess." It just sucks.

So yeah... yesterday was pretty much a marathon shopping day. The highlites: I found a pretty sweet dress for dockstreet for $31 dollars. It was exciting. I will not go into how I feel about dockstreet quite yet. that will come. I also got a multitude of other things while shopping. Lately I have been using the word "multitude" a lot--just so you know.

I found this ironic:

at JC Penny, the sexy lingerie area is located right next to the maternity clothes area. ha... haha. I don't know... I thought it was pretty funny at the time.

high expectations

Man, you know it’s a good commercial when you see it, and you want to buy it even though you know from experience that it's just not that good. I was psyched about the Sonic Gingerbread Blast milkshake for days, and after my mom bought me one, I proclaimed my happiness, but after I had tried it, I found it did not live up to my high expectations. (so many commas.) my high expectations often mess up everything. I mean I know I should have high expectations for life and other random things sometimes, but it sucks when they’re just never met. I could go on about this for quite awhile and complain about my (lack of a) love life, but I will spare you.

let's talk about the weather--that's safe.

Everyone keeps saying that it's so cold here, but it's really not. I can go outside most of the time without a jacket (during the day), and it's been into the 50's and 60's. I guess it just seems warmer coming from Winston-Salem where I left behind freezing rain and wintry mixes.

been sitting around like a bum the last few days. I've been trying like mad to get a job. The manager at American Eagle actually recognizes me when I walk in now (I'm not sure if this is a good thing or not). Dad told me I had to be aggressive, so I've been trying. I still hadn't received any phone calls despite the promise from the woman at AE, so I went back today. After stopping in at a few stores I had applied to earlier, I was walking back out to my car when I decided to stop at one more place... Sam Goody. I chatted with the two women behind the counter only to later find out that one of them was the manager--which actually was perfect since I didn't really have the time to get nervous, and I was more myself up until then). Anyway, I filled out some forms, and she told me they'd have to do a background check on me, but she told me to fill out some W-4 forms (and that is a good sign) and to come back in a day or two and I could start working. So this is extremely good news. I don't know why I didn't stop in there before. I don't have to worry about wearing clothing the store sells every day since they don't sell clothes there, and there doesn't seem to be a real dress code, and they sell music and dvd's and stuff which is better than clothes anyday. Plus, they're right across from a coffee place. oh yes, this is going to be the beautiful start of something.

been getting darn sentimental lately thinking about the end of my favorite band, Jump, Little Children. No more stand-up shows. No more eagerly waiting for hours to see them. No more road trips. It's all just really sad. And I only just started to actually talk to the guys. (esp at the most recent show at NCSA--which I technically shouldn't have been allowed to see. I actually helped them unload their stuff though... it was great.) I know this is bad and may be unhealthy, but I really, really have enjoyed going to their shows. It has given me something to look forward to, and well after 12/30, there will be no more. I mean my favorite band isn't one of those that sells out amphitheatres and tours maybe once every three years. You actually get to talk to them, and you could reach out and touch them at shows if you wanted to b/c they're that close. plus, they're just so real. ok, I should stop now because you probably think I'm crazy.

Time to make some dinner para la familia.

detached.

Man, yesterday I was in a weird mood. I guess it was because I was sick, but I really can't blame it on meds since I didn't take any. I'm kind of against medication when it can be avoided. Actually, this dislike/fear of doctors and medicine has been in my family for a while. I recently found out that my great grandmother basically died because she refused to go to the doctor after chronic severe stomach problems, and then her spleen or something ruptured. (OK, that was a tangent, and it didn't really help my case at all.) Really though, I think my immune system is better because it actually gets to work out. Maybe my bizarre behavior yesterday was just my own immune system secreting something resembling medication that made me feel/act so weird.

I just literally didn't feel like doing anything, but it wasn't just slough because I didn't want to do nothing but I didn't want to do anything. (you might have to read that sentence a few times, but it really does make sense. I promise.) I didn't even want to sleep. That's how weird it was. I just literally didn't want to even be. and it wasn't even because I felt crappy because I really didn't. I know this emotion is hardly warranted when my life is compared to that of others. I know this.

Then later on I was especially hyper even though I had not taken in any caffeine. It was like my body just forgot to secrete some hormone and then put out a whole lot of it at once to make up for it. Looking back on it makes me wonder if that is what it is like to be depressed... if depression is some sort of hormonal imbalance. It makes sense. That is so crazy though. I don't know if it's worse to not feel anything or to feel too much--like too much lonliness or sadness or heartbreak or helplessness. There must be different types of depression that are really almost opposites if you think about it. Really though, is it better to not feel at all or to feel awful inside? sometimes I wonder.

I'm home

So right when I crossed the border into South Carolina, I looked around and suddenly the cars I thought were around me the whole time all had South CArolina liscense plates on them. How and when does the switch take place? I could have sworn they were all NC plates thirty seconds earlier.

Going job searching tomorrow. Wish me luck.

I hate cell phones except when I'm talking to you

I don't know why,
but something in your voice changed that night.
You had never sounded harsh at all,
but the night you brought me out of my dreams
your voice was soft and gentle.
Was it something in you that changed that night
or something in me?
or did it only seem different because I had just awakened?
...
Although we're in different places
somehow we're connected by a wire
that spans across the continent.
It is this thin string that ties us together.
I can hear you breathing,
but I can't touch you.
Maybe it's safer that way.
...
I told you once that thinking about you
made me want to write poetry,
so here it is.
There is no rhyme and no rythm--
only my emotions conveyed through these words.

some disconnected thoughts:

Drama (no, I'm not talking about a genre of WB shows or a theatre production)... sometimes I can't decide if I enjoy it or I despise it. Right now I'm leaning more towards the latter. Sure drama can make things interesting, but it can also interupt a peaceful, go-with-the-flow mindset.

On a completely different note...
Me and four of my housemates went camping this weekend in "Waynesville, NC." I'm not exactly sure why I put that in quotes... read into it what you want. So when we showed up at the first site, it was full, so we were sort of disgruntled if you will and nervous that we had driven for about 3 hours for nothing. Enter Cassidy's Dad who was kind enough to find us a place at some other location--Hemp Farms--I think it was called. Yeah, so we set up the tent by the light of Kasee's headlights and gathered sticks and stuff for the campfire. Yes, we had a campfire, and there were s'mores involved (as well as veggie burgers on sticks). Too bad we didn't sleep on grass or even dirt--no, we slept on gravel, and gravel sucks. Gravel is not even outdoorsy. Other than that, it was nice. We barely saw anyone else there at all, and the view was pretty nice. So yeah, we had a grand old time, and I even got in some spooning... or as I like to call it: spooning for survival because it was a bit chilly. So yeah, then we hung out in Asheville for a while which was really nice. I really do want to live in Asheville at some point in my life. (like when I get out of Wake.) I have found that the mountains are quite enjoyable--a nice contrast to all that beach time. (Not that I'm complaining about the beach of course).

So my car wouldn't start on Saturday night, and for that reason I had to pay $79 today to get it fixed which sucks a lot. On a more positive note: It could have been a lot worse--my car could have chosen to stop working while I was alone at a concert in Charlotte or Asheville or something, so for that I am definately thankful.

So I signed up for this thing called Audioscrobbler which keeps track of the songs you play through i-tunes, and connects you to people that have a similar music taste, so that's pretty sweet. My page is here in case you want to see what I've been playing lately. I only just figured out how to use it, so despite what it says, it has not been up since September.

another brief scene from a dream...

I just dreamed that I went home, and my dad somehow managed to grow out his hair--it was longer than mine, and he wore it in a ponytail down his back. It was weird because it wasn't gray. There was also some random baby living at my house that resembled this girl I was friends with in CT when I was about 5.

Then yesterday night my dream took place in my friend Liz's old house (that she hasn't lived in since 7th grade).

I was reading some Keats poetry last night before I went to bed--"The Eve of St. Agnes"--apparently there's this tradition or something that if you do certain rituals on the eve of st. agnes and you are a virgin, you will dream about your husband. Interesting concept. I think I have dreamed about my future husband before, but I could never make out his face.

sigh.

I want so much to be an artsy person--someone who has deep discussions about passages from great books in front of a fireplace to people wearing sweater vests and chords, but I'm afraid that I just am not capable of such things. I want to be intellectual... maybe that's the problem--I want to be intellectual, so I'm not. It just sucks--I don't want to fit in with the general Wake Forest crowd, but I look the same--I have rainbows and a freaking north face backpack! I think much of my frustration comes from my recent grade in English. I like English so much, but I just suck at it. I have these good ideas, but I can't ever incorporate them properly into an argument. How can I be thinking about grading English papers if I can't even write them, myself? I don't know.

This year has been better in general so far... don't get me wrong. It's just that I have a lot of the same frustrations: I don't know what to major in or what I'm good at, I'm having the same issues with boys, and I'm not fostering my personal relationship with God nearly as much as I should. I feel like a big faker going to church every Sunday. I just don't know.

eh... oh well

Well I would have been on WakeRadio today, if we could have figured out how to turn off the pre-recorded show. ooops... I guess that intern thing didn't prepare me too well. We gave up and left... it was sad really. Well, better luck next week. Just so you know, in the future I should be on on Thursdays from 3-5 PM. (http://radio.wfu.edu/)

Yeah, so I love the house that I'm living in by the way. It's a great environment to live in... ha...ha. I am not the only vegetarian here, so that is sweet.

Tonight I am going to President Hatch's house, so that'll be interesting I guess. I almost hope he doesn't have a veggie alternative just so I can make a point about how there aren't the veggie options on campus really either.

So even though many may call them "sell outs" or whatever, I saw Coldplay last Friday night. Before you look down upon me or judge me, just know that I was actually volunteering there in the name of Fair Trade. I got 98 people to sign a petition and talked to really cool people besides, so that was exciting. I loved it because it gave me a chance to talk to random people that I just normally wouldn't have. (Also let it be known, that Coldplay has some pretty sweet stuff out... the lyrics to many of their songs are great... and I really enjoy Chris Martin. I didn't enjoy the fact that the show was pretty well... showy with the lights and everything. But Gwenyth Paltrow is pretty lucky... an amazing poet for a husband. I hope Chris serenades her regularly.)

Jump, Little Children tomorrow night at Ziggy's. =)

a dream

I meant to post this yesterday, but oh well. My last night at home I had this (short) dream:

I walked into Johnson toward my room, and all of my friends from high school were sitting on the ground outside of my door. I continued to walk toward them and toward A103 (my old room), but then I said, "Wait... but I don't live here anymore." and the dream ended--sort of like a fade out, and I woke up.

last night in my bed until Thanksgiving

Well my room is pretty much empty again. The cars are packed, the gas tanks full, breakfast waiting (already made) in the fridge, i-tunes mix entitled "sophomore year begins" made, and everyone safely in bed. In just a few short hours I will embark upon my life as a sophomore in college. wow. No longer will I be that scared freshman for whom everything is new. I will not get lost on campus (well maybe still in Tribble), I will be one of those annoying people who runs over to hug her friends, I know more of what to expect, and I don't have to take a stinkin' math course. (For the first time in years I will not even need my fancy TI 83 which I have bestowed upon my brother. cheers.)

I'm going to be living in a house! wow! Tomorrow night will set the tone for the rest of the year that I will spend with the other nine people (except for Joan, my roommate, who is arriving a bit later). I'm nervous, excited, and anxious at the same time. I really hope I will be able to sleep tonight. Last night I already did not sleep too well due to my (poor) choice to watch a special on serial killers right before bed. (I couldn't help myself, the whole idea is just so fascinating. I knew before I set out to watch it that I would have trouble sleeping, but that didn't stop myself from turning on the TV. On that note, I will not have a TV in my room this year. Joan said she doesn't need one, so I decided I would also try to live without one. I think this will be good. And, hey, I could watch Gilmore Girls with Courtney or someone on the way back from Presby, and it will even be like a special bonding time. I have to admit that it will be sort of sad living away from Carol. By the end of the year we really just clicked, and I have only known Wake with Carol as my roommate up until this point. I am of couse excited about roomming with Joan, however, and hope that I will still see Carol and her crazy coats around.

Alright, here goes nothing. I will try to jump right into my sophomore year and not look back at what "could have been."

when does the day end and tomorrow become today?

Sometimes I want to go to bed, and I know I should, but I have this feeling that I’m forgetting to do something or that I just haven’t really felt like I’m ready for the day to conclude. It’s almost like I need to do something meaningful before I go to sleep. This is a feeling I get before I turn off the lights usually—it’s not like I have trouble actually sleeping… just turning off the lights when I haven’t really done anything productive for hours. This feeling is rare at school because I usually go to sleep following completing my homework or after a visit to Waffle House or after a good discussion with someone. All of these things have a definite end, but sitting here in my room doing random things on the computer or reading or packing… well those things could keep going for a while longer. They have no definitive ending. I guess that’s my problem. I feel like the day is simply not over—like I’m closing a book in the middle of a sentence or something. Or perhaps this is just a God thing telling me that I should pray or read the Bible before bed. I don’t really know.

what the heck?

4 comments on the last blog... and right after I changed the settings to let "annonymous people" leave comments. Interesting that they seemed very random (well the annonymous ones anyway)... almost like they were trying to use me to advertise. sad. I will conduct an experiment to see if it happens again, and then I may have to change the settings. I don't think they even read my blog because the last entry wasn't at all insightful, and they put stuff like, "hey, great blog!" Also, what's with that second comment about spelling and the i-pod? That was pretty funny.

Back at home

Yeah. So I got home Monday night. Since then I've basically just been sitting around and reading and avoiding cleaning my room. You see, I still haven't unpacked from school from when I got back in May. If you could see the floor of my room, you would think that some sort of disaster must have occurred within, but you would be wrong. I've just been ridiculously lazy pretty much. I mean I want to pack, I just don't want to unpack. Another one of my problems is that I just don't want to throw away stuff. Even if it seems it's totally pointless to keep stuff, I just have a hard time letting go I guess. (That kind of goes along with my love for photo collages, Andrew. so many memories can be found just by looking at a movie ticket stub or something like that.)

I went to the dentist today. Always an experience at the dentist. I both love and hate it. I absolutely love the clean feeling afterwards, but I hate actually being in that chair. You really have no control at all. Today the lady who was working on me had the hic-ups. You can only imagine the pain this caused me.

I am excited about getting back to Wake. I have actually recently had some dreams that included Wake people (had a dream about Ben last night, and I honestly don't really remember anything about it). I'm excited about getting to know the people in the house for sure. I'm also excited about going to see shows with people. Can't wait to get back in touch with Sarah (Dunham), and I'll definately miss Alex.

I've been waking up stinking early lately, and I can only guess that it is because I have been going to bed by 10:30 every night. Man, I have no life. Well, I'd better wrap this up. It's getting close to bed time.

death

This morning I saw a dead, beached dolphin on the beach. I was so shocked, I couldn't even cry it was so sad. (The worst part was that I saw another dolphin swimming just off the beach as if it were looking for it's friend.) I also saw a really pretty dead butterfly on the ground in addition to a dead skink. What the heck is that all supposed to mean?

kids

(I wish I could post some stinkin' pictures to make this more interesting, but I am not on my personal computer now. I will work on that later at some point.)

I come to these random revelations or decisions quite often now for some reason. Today I decided that I wanted to name my son "Jack." No, I mean I'm obviously not planning on having kids in the near future, so I don't know why this came to me, but there it is. My dad's name is Jack, and it used to be that I didn't really like that whole naming your kid after some family member thing, but I do kind of like it now. I'm still not down with the giving him the dad's name, but grandfather? why not? My dad's pretty amazing, and I think that it's really funny to give kids sort of old people names. (I also like Frank and Max).

Wow, that was kind of a strange topic to share with people. Oh well.

Kids can be so funny. We have the little ones here this week--2nd, 3rd, and 4th graders. After breakfast this morning, one kid just goes bolting out of the dining hall and yells, "YESSSSS! FREEDOM!!!" Another kid asked if I would pass her the "sustinance" at dinner, and claimed that she always calls rolls that.

My one-piece tan line is out of control. seriously, you will laugh.

The other day I sat out in the rain on the dock and thought about life for a long time. It's funny... I brought out my i-pod, a journal, and a book, but I ended up just sitting there and thinking and praying. I'm really trying to figure out what God's will is for my life. This is not easy to do. Preachers always say that we are supposed to do God's will, but they don't mention how we're supposed to know what the heck that is. They say they were called to do this or that, but how do they really know? I don't know. I've been struggling with this for a while. I have the tendency to look for "signs" everywhere because I think they might be from God. I just don't know.

This is it... this is my last week out at camp. I go home probably next Tuesday. No more docks to sit on, no more beaches to run on, no more crazy mating squirrels, no more cheesecake, no more singing songs with kids right before bed, no more trips to Newton Farms, etc. I'm going to be soooo bored during that time before school starts back up. I'm ready to go back soon.

Yeah, I'm sorry... I really didn't have anything to write about. I just did it for Betsy's entertainment.

I'm a weirdo

I really actually like to sit at red lights and watch people cross in front of me as they turn left. For some reason, people never really think (or like to think) that a clear glass window will not protect them from the view of curious on-lookers. People have the most interesting and real expressions on their faces when they drive sometimes because they're not putting on a fake face for anyone. I like it.

I often spend about an hour in Blockbuster trying to decide what movie to get.

I still keep a personal journal, and my last entry detailed all the things I'm looking for in a guy.

I have four doors that lead out of my room at home, and each is painted a different color.

I'm currently reading a book about the Appalachian Trail.

The clock in my car is about ten minutes behind the world, but I don't want to change it.

I have more pictures of the band Jump, Little Children on my computer than I have of my friends and family put together. (Plus I have had more than a few dreams involving the band.)

I enjoy making people feel awkward.

I don't wear makeup. at all.

I am currently wearing my pajama boxers from Limited Too. (Yes, that's where everyone shopped in 6th grade.)

I bought a George Foreman grill just to make grilled cheeses on.

Oh yeah...

Hey guys. Yeah, it's been a while. oops. Not a whole lot has really changed.

I've been running a lot in the mornings now. There's something special about the beach in the morning. The water is so calm, and there are no footprints yet in the sand. Sometimes you can't even tell where the water stops and the sky starts on a cloudy day.

The power has been going out a lot lately, but to be honest it's sort of nice. Instead of taking the easy way out and watching movies or playing nintendo we've actually had to be creative and (gasp) talk. Talking in the dark is pretty fun actually. Last night there was a great big storm (that actually had nothing to do with the power outage), so we went outside and sat on the porch and just watched the storm. It was so ridiculous and so much better than some crappy fireworks anyway. The sky literally lit up about ever half a second. It was a constant flickering of light that would light up the beach and the palm trees. It was amazing. The best is when it's so bright that you can see the rain falling.
The lightening sort of lights up every individual raindrop. I wish you could have been there. This went on for hours, and we'd just oooh and aaah and even giggle sometimes because it was just that cool. It was so incredibly loud sometimes that it'd change the rythem of your heart and shake the building. It was pretty amazing.

I went to visit Guilford about two weeks ago. Even went up to Wake which definately had me doing some hard core thinking. I'm almost positive I'll be back at Wake this semester at least. It's kind of frustrating though--getting sentimental about Wake even though I really don't have reason to be. I mean I'm excited about the classes and the house of course. I even have come closer to deciding what to do with my life... maybe I'll be an English teacher.

I've been doing a lot of pondering lately really, and this week I'm off, so I'll be sitting out on the crab dock as often as I can. The crab dock is amazing. It overlooks the marsh (think Dawson's creek), so it's a nice change from the beach. As you walk out to the dock, literally hundreds of little black fiddler crabs dart out of the way. There are so many that the noise they make as they run through the grass and stuff sounds like the noise a large animal would make in the woods. If I could I think I would go out to the dock every night to just sit or read or write. It's a great place to watch the sunset over that marsh grass as it waves in the breeze. Later of course, the stars come out, and since there aren't any lights out there at all, you can see thousands instead of the 4 or so up at school.

So... how are you guys doing?

I've joined the rest of the world

by aquiring an i-pod. I think I have a problem with material possessions. I don't know. I mean it's not like I spend a lot of the money I make. (in fact I tend to squirrel it away, and I even faithfully look through the coupon things every Sunday), but there are some things that seem to be way to important to me, and it sort of worries me. I read this book once where the main character only had like 75 possessions or something, and he constantly had to give things up to make room for new things. Man, that would be so cool to actually do that. I'm not strong enough for that though, and I do realize it is a bit extreme of course. I guess an i-pod is sort of cheating because it allowed me to condense hundreds of CD's into one little compact gadget. It's weird though. A lot of the things I value the most (my old shoes, my '92 toyota corolla, my stupid looking green and white poka dotted heart-shaped pillow, the earrings liz gave me for my 11th birthday (?) that I never take out, etc.) are actually really old and look worthless. I guess this has to do with the fact that I'm so darn sentimental. I'd cry if I lost those shoes, and I check multiple times a day to make sure my earrings haven't mysteriously fallen out. I guess it could be worse... I'm trying not to be too attached to electronic stuff and to simplify my life, but it's not easy. There are so many things that I'd like to have... man, wouldn't it be cool to own the only '92 corolla that had a sun roof? I guess part of it is that I'm a dreamer as well which may make my life more interesting, but it definately also makes it so much harder to bear. Sometimes I just get so frustrated. Sure, I'll be at Wake for another year, but after that... well, who knows?

It's funny how...

our reactions to various situations often depends on the people involved. Ok, I know that sounds confusing, so let me try to clarify. The people you know well and have a better relationship with can get away with more stuff than the people you maybe aren't as comfortable with. It's true. I mean think about it: your good friends can criticize you some, but if that annoying girl says anything, you get pissed off even if she says the same thing that the other person says. This doesn't just apply to negative things, though. It can also apply to how close you let someone get to you and even physical contact.

Take this real-life example (that happened to be yesterday in fact):
A group of us were at the grocery store (which had this freshly made honey roasted penut butter that was awesome), and I was looking at some stuff on the shelf when someone came up to me, grabbed my arm, and made these weird noises into my ear. Having not seen the culprit, I thought it was this one kid who gets on my nerves, so I turned and gave my best what the heck are you doing? stop it look only to find out that it was someone else, and the funny thing is I didn't mind him doing it, so my reaction entirely depended on who I thought was involved.
Think about it though. You let some people put their arm around you, but you definately wouldn't feel comfortable if everyone did that. I don't know. It's weird.

Taking it easy after a long week.

working on the coveted one piece tan line

Yeah, I've been out at camp for a few days now. Let me say that it's been going pretty well. I'm excited that Cory is my roommate, and people seem to be clicking as well as they can be for the beginning. I don't know. At what point do I just stop coming out here? Will this be my last summer or what? I mean that's one of the main reasons I came back this year--I couldn't stand not coming back. I just love this place so much. I mean it's amazing--the sunsets, the stars, the storms, etc. So I don't know. I think I'll be a lot more excited when the kids come, but right now I'm sort of bored since I've already been through a lot of this training stuff, and it's exactly the same for the most part. eh, we'll see.

On a completely different note, I raised my GPA a bit, so that's nice. Not that it really matters at all. It would make so much more sense not to go to Wake, but I feel stuck. I mean I'd be ridiculously happy being the pastry chef out here at camp or work on BI (Barrier Island--the educational program out here during the school year) or traveling or something.

Took Stefan to see Star Wars last night at midnight. A while back I told him I'd take him if he dressed up (thinking he'd reject the idea right away, but he didn't). It was sort of sad because no one else even stinking dressed up at the theatre we went to. How lame is that? It's ok though. Stefan tried to back himself out with the: everyone else just doesn't know what's cool. dressing up is cool. It was interesting to hear him try to build himself back up after some pointing and giggling. (He was a pretty darn cute Jedi.)

Craziness at camp ensued yesterday when Craig got stung by a stingray. How crazy is that?
Now I'm just rambling...as usual

Moving into my bubble

Hey. Today I am moving back out to camp. I must not be ready because I keep finding things on the floor that I'd forgotten to pack. It also sort of sucks (and by "sort of" I mean "a lot") that we had to take my car into the shop this morning for something that I don't understand. Now, I must take my mother's car with me to camp, which makes me sad.

So yeah, I suppose I should put down some expectations about the summer...
ummm yeah, I'm sort of worried about who my roommate will be. Kimberly has this knack of putting me with someone I don't know. Not to say that it hasn't worked out in the past, but I'm still a bit nervous about that. I'm also sort of nervous that I'm one of the oldest people on staff this year (well, experience wise, anyway). For once I'll actually be more in the leadership role, which is weird because I've been practically the youngest staff member the last two years. I don't really know what to expect today. The last two opening days have become blurs in my memory. I guess we'll find out soon enough. I'm definately excited to be going back out there. Last night as a thunderstorm passed by our house, I remembered the time that I sat out on the beach in the middle of a thunderstorm and just let it soak through my clothes. It was one of the most amazing things. (and yes, I realize it's dangerous, but hey, getting struck by lightening would be a pretty cool way to go.) I hope that I can share that experience with someone one day. You really should try it. Sitting out there on the sand, watching the water pound the surface of the water, watching the lightening strike, hearing and feeling the thunder shake the earth... well it's just amazing and invigerating. It's just one of those times where you say to yourself: wow, God. I get it. sigh.

So yeah, you may not hear from me in a while... not so sure about the prospect of cell phone reception out there, but by all means leave me a message if you want to chat, and I'll get back to you... eventually. and you should consider coming to visit me.

If you write me a letter, I will write you back. That's a promise.
Camp St. Chritopher
2810 Seabrook Island Road
John's Island, SC 29455

2,465 emails later:

I'm sitting here in Johnson A103 for the last time probably ever. It's so weird. My roommate is gone, and so are the majority of my belongings which my parents came to get today. I'm annoyed with myself for putting my journal in a box that went into my parents' car today. I was prepared to right a long winded report on my feelings for the year... well I wasn't sure what I was going to say exactly, but I was prepared to attempt to sort it all out. It sucks becaues I only have about four pages left in my journal from freshman year, which would have been pretty good for tonight. As a result not having it though, this blog entry may be a bit more personal than usual, so prepare yourself.

It's interesting because I actually selected another journal at Border's tonight--not my ideal idea of one, but somewhere in the right direction. It's got a drawing of a woman on the cover with a tear going down her cheek--sad, yet beautiful at the same time... sort of like life I think. I just tried to find a link with a picture of it, but I was unsucessful. Maybe one day you'll see it and just know. Anyway, so I bought that journal tonight, but I can't start it yet. I think I'll hold onto it until sophomore year.

So I sat in Border's for a while and stumbled across the realization that tonight would actually be good for me. At first I was dreading the time alone tonight in my nearly-abandoned room, but then I came to relish the idea. One last night at Wake for my freshman year--and a night to be alone! I finally have some time to reflect on my experiences this year. I don't think it'd be nearly as effective to do this at home because home is just an entirely different atmosphere. It's so still here tonight. Eerie almost, but peaceful. I sat outside for a while and only saw two people. The campus really is so beautiful, but it's also sort of fake. It really is only beautiful to lure you into coming to the school. Young, naive idealists take a look around the campus and sigh in content. It seems like the weather is always gorgeous when lots of people are visiting. It's so darn tricky. Classic example, right? Things aren't always what they seem, you can't judge a book by it's cover, beauty is only skin-deep, etc., but who listens to cliches anyway? They're just too... well, cliche.

So I wonder what it would have been like to go to a different school. My life would be so different now... or at least that's what I think. That's the problem--there's no way of knowing really. That's what sucks. I wanted to go to multiple schools to try them out, you know? Go to the first two weeks at Wake, go back in time and go to the first two weeks somewhere else and pick. But then life isn't that easy unless you are one of those lucky people who doesn't over-analyze everything and always come up short and dissapointed. I don't really want to be one of those people though. I find myself struggling aggainst that. I couldn't tell you why exactly. I just want to live a real life and be content at the end of the day, you know? but then... how do you do that? If I knew that I wouldn't be writing all this I don't think.

I don't know. I had such high expectations going into this. Yeah, I sort of have high expectations for everything, which makes it all so harder, but so much more worthit when things actually seem to fall into place. I thought (no, hoped) that I'd find people here I really connected with--people I could actually have real conversations with. Small talk only to fill in the background and to suppliment personal information. Or even small talk that just wasn't forced. I hate that--forced small talk. Why the heck do we find it necessary? Why do you ask me "what's up?" when you've already passed me on the sidewalk? what the heck is that, anyway? How are you supposed to respond to that? "uhh I'm fine... I guess." I don't know. Most of the time I just shrug my shoulders when people ask me that now. I like Sarah Tullis's response of "good enough." It sort of makes people uncomfortable. I actually like to make people uncomfortable sometimes though. I don't know... it's sort of a sick game I guess. When I used to find pauses in conversations uncomfortable, now I relish in the awkwardness and anticipation of the person's next move. Darn it, it's fun being awkward sometimes... if only because it makes people actually stop and pay attention to their actions. It tends to put an end to the automatic responses or at least challenge them, and I like that. Conversation doesn't have to be dull. It shouldn't be, in fact. I've even found that it sometimes is even possible to really talk to people at wake. hard to believe of course. The few people that I have connected with give me hope, and I need all of the hope I can get. It's like they keep me from starving to death, but leave me hungry for more. I feel like I really am getting by in this state of near starvation. but I have really enjoyed the presence of a few people here, and I think (and hope) you guys know if I'm referring to you. I feel like only a few people have gotten to know me or at least gotten to know more than just the me on the surface. I wish there were some way of finding people at this school that I'd click with that would stick out the four years here. Yeah, I can understand the desire to transfer. trust me. but man, I don't know if I could handle having high expectations and being let down again. to be cliche, Wake really was a good example of a beautiful letdown, right?

So yeah, freshman year...
wasn't worth the fifty million dollars it cost to come here. Definately not. I feel like such a jerk for making my parents pay that much. I feel like I should at least pretend that I really enjoyed it here, but I probably won't. I'm trying to pretend less. So I'm not sure why I'm not transferring. I'm so darn stubborn--I dont' know if that's good or bad most of the time. I feel like I have to ride it out... like I'm obligated to stick around. I mean Wake needs people like us, right? I may fit the stereotype--darn this blonde hair and light skin tone, but darn it I don't feel like I really fit or that I even want to fit here. I think I might be more nervous if I did love it here. So where does that leave me? What can I conclude from this year? I've really come to appreciate the small things in life this year. I mean you really have to if you want to keep going. the squirrel pearched on top of the trashcan, dancing around at work with my co-workers to god-awful songs, the first sip of your favorite smoothie, running down the stairs, almost running into someone, lying down after a long night, late night discussions with the roommate, nailing parallel parking, reading in reynolda gardens, listening to the rain through the open window at night, walking back to the room on a quiet night, sneaking just a bit of lemonade into my water in the pit, walking bearfoot in the grass, becoming familiar with your professors' wardrobe, watching the sun hit only the tops of the trees at the end of the day, the list goes on.

OK, so I've spend more time alone this year than I had planned on, but maybe I needed that. I know I definately need it tonight for closure. It woudn't have done to leave earlier when everyone else was leaving. I really did need tonight to try to assimilate my thoughts and just ponder the year. I needed to be alone and to lock myself in my room. Man, I nearly spent an hour typing this out. So that's it... I'm leaving tomorrow to go on some retreat. then I'll be home for about five days before I'm back out at camp. We'll see how that goes...

I must have an exam in two hours because I'm blogging...

and I do. oh well. This is the last one, so I've about shut down. It's weird... all I want to do is sit somewhere nice and just stare off at nothing. I may go to Border's or somewhere tonight to people watch/pretend to read a book. It will be great fun. I also need to take a look at journals... I'm about out of space--isn't that appropriate? I'm constantly looking for a really cool journal. One with home made pages and a ridiculously nice cover would be amazing... no, I really don't expect to find this at Border's, but it's fun to browse. I really want to read a book in it's entirety at Border's or some bookstore one day... this is not a small feat, mind you. I read really, really slow. Yes, I know everyone says that, but I really do. Everyone else is just exagerating. haha. (because I never exagerate. anything.)

So yeah, I've returned to more normal dreams IE camp dreams. I dreamed that Charlie was working again this summer on maintanence, and I was so excited. This may have come from thinking about him yesterday when I packed away the plexi glass sculpture of a wave that he made for me one day. man, I am so sentimental about pretty much everything. I don't know. I just can't help it. I'm sorry.

My parents are coming tomorrow to take away some of my treasured belongings (crap). It's all so crazy. It's like I want to be sentimental, but then I think to myself: wait, this year wasn't really too awesome, you dummy. Don't get so darn sentimental. But I can't help it. It's weird looking down the empty and quiet hall. I'll never be a freshman again. And although I didn't necessarily always enjoy living with the people on my hall, it will be weird without them. you know? *sigh.*

YEah, so about that exam in two hours... must stay focused!

a creepy dream

So I had a creepy dream this morning sometime between 8:37 and 9:42 AM. I know this because I looked at the clock at these times.

ok, so at first I was just watching a horror movie, but as the dream went on, I played a more active role in the movie. I soon was in the movie, but a passive observer of sorts. Then as the events started to unfold, I was a main character. I don't remember all of it, but the end and climax I guess was this:

We were at this house on a lake. It was weird because all of the sudden the land just stopped, and there was a really steep hill that led down into the lake. Anyway, we were walking down to the lake, and one of the guys was blind. I forgot that he couldn't see the ledge until we were right upon it, and I tried to warn him, but it was too late. He stepped off, and plumetted down to the water, so we all jumped in to see if he was OK. He was... I mean he was surprised of course, but he could swim. Anyway, once we saw he was ok, we took to playing around in the water. (it was at night, so it was that eerie calm with some fog over the serene water.) I guess we didn't notice that the blind guy had gotten out of the water, and walked back up to the house. (side note: this guy was creepy. he would stare right at you with his eyes even though he couldn't really see, and his eyes just seemed to pierce you.) The guy climbed up to the second or thrid story balcony/porch thing, and with a loud voice and a creepy smile, "I'm sick of this. I've had enough." At this point, I think he's just going to jump off the balcony and commit suicide, but he doesn't. That wouldn't be nearly as creepy. He slowly turns around, demonic smile still plastered across his face, and walks inside the bedroom. At this point, it doens't make sense that I can see what's going on in there, but I do. I see it through this really creepy old mirror--you know the one that is free standing with those weird feet things (like in Harry Potter the mirror or Erised)--not one that's against the wall. The guy just stands in front of the mirror as if he's looking into it, and this demon spirit thing comes out, and just brutally rapes and attacks him, but he just sort of stands there and takes it. This happens really fast, and there's blood everywhere. It's quite frightening and disturbing. Then as fast as it all started, suddenly the room was clean and empty. I had to stay in the house that night. There were two other people with me. The other two said they wanted to go into town, but for some reason (that doesn't really make sense considering what I just witnessed) I wanted to stay there. At first I thought we were in another room, but of course I realized after they left that it was the same room with the creepy mirror. That's when someone knocked on my door, and scared the crap out of me, and I woke up.

So yeah, that's weird. Usually I have pleasant dreams, but then every once and a while, I have a really disturbing one. Well, anyway, I have an exam in 45 minutes.

I don't know if it's the coffee or what, but

I've just been really jumpy lately. Just now for instance... I was just going over some power point presentations for my comm class and he programed some sound effects to go with the clicking that scared me not once, not twice, but three times. I don't know why, but every time I just gasped, and my heart skipped a beat. My roommate can tell you more about this phenomenon. She routinely scares the crap out of me when she walks into the room. Then there's my phone. Every time it goes off (which isn't too often--maybe that's the problem) I typically cry out "Oh!" or "Whoa!" Yeah, so I don't know. Maybe I'm just a nervous person... maybe it's the coffee. All I know is that I just had the equivalent of 3 1/2 servings of pears according to the label on the can. Pears are so good. I had forgotten.

I was thinking that I might take my last shower here without flip flops on. Is that gross? Yes, but I feel like it would just be appropriate.

Hmmm... the things I think about.

So tonight...

I went with four other people (Sarah, Alex, Jenn, and Courtney) to go see the shins in asheville. First of all, we almost died on the way there. It was actually quite awesome. Alex had just made some comment about hating semis, and this truck litterally starts coming into our lane when we were a good ways up on his side. The thing that made this bad was that we were in the very left lane on a bridge--literally no where to go. It was amazing that nothing happened. All I could do was watch the truck through the right windows and think to myself: hmmm that thing sure is close. wow, that's cool. I wonder what's going to happen. So yeah, that shook us up a bit and had us laughing nervously for about five minutes.

Then when we got there...
I met many of the people around me, so that was pretty cool. The opening act was definately interesting to say the least. They were called the Brunettes, and they had a whopping seven members including two tenor saxophones, a guitar, a bass, a banjo, a cello, drums, a triangle, wooden blocks, a clarinet, a trumpet, some weird piano kazoo thingy... the list goes on. (yes, they all played about fifty instruments.) They were sort of like a middle school band. Lots of clapping involved in the song. The girl who sang many of the songs was actually good though. I liked her voice. They had this song about mary-kate and ashley that involved wearing masks of the twins back in the Full House era... interesting. They also sang a song called "Holding Hands and Feeding Ducks."

Then the shins... well, I can't say I was honestly too impressed. The sound was really bad. Just a lot of noise--not too defined in my opinion. it was still fun, though. The guy with the long hair (and wearing a tie die shirt with a flannel shirt tied around his waste) was dancing pretty crazy in front of us... mixed feelings about this.

Went to waffle house afterwards. Listened to much 90's music in the car--we all sang along. It was great fun. Stopped at a gas station, some random guy payed for our gas, and then proceeded to talk to us for like 20 minutes. he was also quite interesting and intoxicated.

so yeah. It was a pretty good night all in all, I'd say. I enjoy road trips with people. Sometimes I wish we could do it just to do it.

I highly recommend

Dancing like crazy either by yourself or with your roommate. Just move around without thinking. it's quite nice. Think 80's songs, think big band songs, think middle school dance songs... there, you're on your way.

finally

I truly feel more content now than I have all year at Wake. It's strange. It really is indescribable... I just walked out of my last class in my FYS called Psychological Utopias. And let me say that there are times when I hated the class, and it seemed like a whole bunch of frustrating work with no real rewards, but looking back on it, I must say that I think it has been my favorite class at Wake so far. It was a real class, you know? Based almost entirely on the comments put out on the table by the 15 of us. We talked about so many issues--about life in general, the environment, other lifestyles, religion, determinism, ... the list goes on. I just felt like I learned so much from that class just through discussing the seven novels we read throughout the semester.

And here's the big moment:
As i walked out of the class room, I looked back, and my professor looked me in the eye and said, "take care." Now I know that sounds really simple, but I knew he actually meant it, and that's just so rare, you know? I felt it. I'm sorry I can't explain it much better. I wish we could all feel like this once and a while... just such a feeling of accomplishment and content and just real, honest sincerity. It was just amazing to me.

So the year is wrapping up--just one more day of classes. It's interesting really to look back on it all... but that's another entry waiting to happen.

Right now, I'm not even worried about my comm. paper that's due tomorrow that I haven't even started yet. (this is not necessarily a good thing, but there you have it.)

why is it...

that we feel like we're always supposed to be doing something? Sometimes don't you just want to sit and think or even just sit and stare at the wall. Even as I consider this, I think about time restrictions... you know what I mean. The "I simply don't have time to just sit around" or "sitting around is so unproductive," But is it really? I mean I think that slowing down and taking some time to just ponder life is good. It gives me a chance to try to sort things out and figure out what I like about my life and what I want to maybe work on. And sometimes it's just nice to ponder about random things such as wireless headphones for my i-pod (of the future), the possibility of banana juice, fruit flies, etc. I used to have this big chunk of time virtually every day when I would drive to and from school to just think or zone out or be still and reflect, but I've found that I have to almost fight for this time of solitude now. Sometimes I just want to go sit outside and watch people. So yeah, I'm all about the pondering of life. Some people may think that people who just sit around are lazy, but I think it's possible that they're doing grander things that simply reading a history text, etc. Some things can't be learned from a book.

I love how...

People hold the door open for everyone. It's just really nice.

Some examples:
-Walking up to Johnson, it's like this long line of people holding the door. The whole time I could see the front of Johnson, the door was held open by someone as the continual in and out flow occurred. I don't know... I just found that really cool.

-yesterday the same guy held the door open for me twice at different times and locations. it was nice.

it's just always nice when someone holds the door for you.

I don't know... maybe this appreciation derives from my southern roots or maybe I appreciate it so much because I didn't have access to any of the buildings for about a week when I lost my card and then was given a faulty one.

something else I want to do someday...

One of these days I'm going to go to a restaurant by myself (which isn't too unusual for say a Saturday afternoon really) and sit with a random person who also happens to be alone. Just think about how cool that could be. I mean it could potentially be construed as creepy, but I don't think I'm a very intimidating person, so I think I can get away with it. Really though, it'd be cool to just talk to someone new, you know? I was dissapointed... I went to Fazoli's (one of my favorite restaurants where I eat for just $2.99 every time--kid's ravioli with marinarra sauce and ulimited breadsticks), and I was actually going to do this, but will you believe it--no one was there alone! So yeah, some other time... it will happen. I mean if nothing else the person will have a funny story to tell their friends/family... yeah, some random girl sat at my table today and just started talking. You get the picture.

I find it interesting when...

we adopt our habits depending on who we are associating with. I find myself constantly adopting my speech intonations, tone, etc. depending on who I am talking to. Sometimes I don't even realize it at first. For example, last night I encountered a camoflagued guy listening to country music while me and Sarah were riding back from the party. He also drove a truck. So not to stereotype or anything, but I just started talking to him in a much more Southern accent. Then of course there's tone. Think about it today as you talk to different people. I don't know... maybe it's just me, but it does adapt at least some. I am much more soft spoken with people who are more laid back. It really is interesting. I think. OK, that's my deep thought for the day. haha.

St. Patrick's day, fool.

So many interesting things happened today.

1. I wore my uniform from high school. (green pleated skirt, arguile socks, white shirt, etc.) it was pretty sweet. I had been looking for an excuse to pull out the skirt for a while. I only got some slightly weird looks, some smiles, etc.

2. I bought one of those fountain pen things that you see them writing with back in the day and some brown ink to go with it. (I thought brown was nicer and more special than black.) My fingers are now brown from trying to get it right.

3. I went to a college frat party.
No, it's true.
How crazy is that? Yeah, it was theta chi. Themed for St. Patrick's Day of course. Sarah Tullis accompanied me for which I was greatful. I don't know. I felt so guilty as I walked up those beer and mud covered stairs on the way in. No, of course I didn't drink anything, but just being there made me feel like I was doing something wrong. I wasn't sure if I wanted to see people I knew or if it would be best not to. I did see one girl from one of my classes, so I went over and danced a bit. I've discovered that when pretty much everyone is drunk it doesn't matter if you can't really dance, so it's fun. I did sort of a jig--the skirt made it easier. You know, I just made it up, but people were so drunk that they thought it was awesome. Then a girl that went to my high school came up to me and started freaking out because I had on the uniform. That was amusing. So yeah, college party... check! sweet at least I've got that one out of the way.
So yeah, I can see where it'd be some fun if more people were dancing and I actually got to meet some people.

tra la la...

I feel oddly calm and at peace. This is a good thing, and it sort of surprised me to be honest. (which makes it even better.) I don't know. I'm just in a really chill, lackidaisical mood if you will. Back at school. made it in 4 hours and 6 minutes. Weather was gorgeous today. Sat outside for a while. went grocery shopping. The sky was absolutely amazing tonight. oh my gosh. it really was. For some reason I just couldn't get over it.

I'll try to paint a picture for you... the sky--darkening, but still various shades of blue and purple. the clouds--illuminated in the gorgeous sky. and all this through the naked limbs of the trees in the midst of a gentle and refreshing rain so light you can barely even detect it.

so yeah... less than two months, then school is done for a while. This is also a strange feeling. what the heck? how can I almost be done with my freshman year in college?! It just boggles my mind. yep, so there you go.

the magic of library books

So I got to thinking yesterday while attempting to read a library book. This happens all the time. As soon as I go to read something or occasionally when I go to fall asleep I just have all of these random thoughts.

So yeah, I started thinking yesterday... man, there is something that is just really cool about library books. I mean sure, it'd be nice to own the book because library books can be gross or smell like smoke or have mysterious stains on them, but in a way it's cool. I have probably lost you by now, so I'll explain myself. Maybe I think this way b/c my mom is a librarian, maybe I am just a Romantic, or maybe I just don't have enough money to buy books often, but think about it: chances are many others have read the book before you. The book in a way ties you together with these other people. Sure the stains may be gross, but it sort of makes you remember that other people have read the book. Then I sort of took it to the extreme and though something like well what if my soul mate (we will not get into the topic of soul mates now) either already read this book or will read it in the future? I mean how cool is that? I hold in my hands sort of a portal to other people and their lives. Then I start thinking about these lives of the other people. ok, so then of course I took it even farther. This relates back to the idea of the soul mate reading the same book. It'd be interesting to see what would happen if I left a slip of paper with my phone number on it in the book. You know? I mean what would happen? Aren't you curious now? It'd be interesting to say the least. I will not tell you which book I am going to leave my phone number in... only that I plan on leaving it in one of the books in the WF library. (I figure there's at least less of a chance that someone old will stumble across it.) and I know what you're thinking... even if it's a girl, maybe we can come to be good friends. Hey, it could happen alright?

Yeah, so this is a sample of what goes on in my head. I get off on all these tangents. Maybe that's why it takes me forever to read everything unless I'm super into it. My mind just waunders, and I am always asking those what if questions.

I hate it when...

[in no particular order]
1. every salad comes with some sort of meat product on top
2. I find a bone in my cheese quesadilla
3. I have nothing to do, and so much time to kill
4. I have everything to do, and no time
5. I overanalyze everything, and the results depress me
6. the wind blows up my skirt
7. you can see the price sticker for the thing you want, but it's out
8. people say they're going to call you, but they don't
9. I don't know what the deal is
10. I can't sleep at night b/c I watched a horror movie
11. I feel sorry for myself
12. I'm so indecisive
13. my lack of a social life depresses my mom
14. the maple syrup containers are all sticky
15. I see roadkill
16. I have to walk back from satellite alone in the cold
17. I feel like I have no control
18. the fruit flies appear out of nowhere
19. I get fined for having a "dirty refridgerator"
20. all I get is junk email
21. there's nothing good on the radio, and I forgot my CD's
22. I write these depressing blogs