am I crazy?

Yes, so I've been here in Copenhagen or København for about 3 weeks now, and I've again started considering another totally different career track. I really don't think people should have to pick this early. I'm so indecisive and prone to huge fits of inspiration so often... it's hard to know what will stay with me and what will fade away. The latest one is grad school... which I never thought I'd even really ever consider doing. The thing is though... so many programs pay for you to go if you get in--that's something I didn't really realize before. It'd also be another chance to do the whole college search thing again, and now that I know what I want in a school, I think I'd enjoy it much more. I'd get the chance to start all over. So you're probably thinking grad school isn't so crazy, right? I mean I am an English major... but the thing is, it is not grad school for English that has struck me. It's grad school for Philosophy. a stinking PHD in philosophy! I don't know... I feel like I could do that and maybe teach at a college. It would be amazing to be a college professor I think. I could teach just a basic intro course and then I could teach something on maybe philosophy and religion and all the problems that involves... or perhaps some specific topic will strike me down the line. I honestly have loved my philosophy class at DIS so far, and Søren Kierkegaard has definitely been an interesting read so far. I know this sounds horribly vain, but sometimes when I read SK, I feel like he is expressing some of the very thoughts and problems I have been thinking about. Of course, he says them in more convoluted and academic terms, but many of the ideas are similar. When I have more time, I will have to give you some examples of this. I've written many of them down in my notes. I have to go out and buy a journal! Somehow, I already lost the one I brought with me when I had only written a few pages.

ugh but what about the magazine/npr internships? I think I might try to apply for everything--grad school and internships and see what happens from there. I could always request a deferral. Honestly though... I don't think I'll be done with Copenhagen in December. I feel like there's more for me here than can be contained in just a few months. Now I just need to find an excuse to stay. I wish I had more time as an undergraduate! One more semester isn't going to cut it.

Maybe it's just my age or mabye I'm just being melodramatic, but

I feel like lately it's as if about once a week, I get these sudden strong impulses/breakthroughs to do something that might radically alter the direction of my life. About 3 weeks ago it was NPR. Yeah, it sounds completely lame. I mean I used to make fun of my parents or roll my eyes at their tradition to listen only to NPR. (it's pretty much the only thing they listen to in the car, and it's ALWAYS on 24 hours a day in our kitchen where an old-fashioned radio is perched on our refridgerator/freezer combo unit). So maybe it somehow became endearing because of that or maybe it's just one of those appreciations that creeps up on you as you enter adulthood.

Really though, NPR has many interesting programs. Did you know that there are 80 free podcasts available through i-tunes? I especially like: Fresh Air, Pop Culture, Movies, This American Life, and All Songs Considered. I mean have you taken a look at All Songs Considered? They actually have quite an impressive list of musical guests (think The National, Okkervil River, Spoon, PB&J, Iron & Wine... to name a few.)

Yes, so I have added NRP to the list of internships to apply for. They actually have quite a few. I also decided that some sort of a media-based job seems appealing. (radio, newspaper, magazine... I think I'll shy away from the tv and all its corruptions).

This is not why I am writing, however.

The latest craze that has been simmering lately and only today really demanded my full attention is writing about current events and actually becoming an active force in this widely ambivalent and indifferent youth culture. Of course this is not to say that I profess to actually have any idea of what is going on in the world. I'm actually probably more ignorant than most, but I really think that if our generation became active, we could make people start to pay attention to some important issues that have been too long overlooked. Ignorance by definition is a state of lacking knowledge, but if this state is freely adapted and chosen (ie by chosing to turn the radio dial when issues of politics, genocide, and environmental issues announce themselves), can it really still be considered ignorance? This is the problem of today: A self-imposed and freely-elected 'ignorance' that is really indifference in disguise.

So what is it that I am proposing to do? Well for starters, I'd like to actually find out about these issues so that I may approach them from an educated viewpoint... perhaps this will take the form of writing articles in order to get the word out... who knows. Today I have decided that I should take a poli sci class. Seems like a small thing, but I think it will be a good start. Hopefully it's not too late to switch into a class (through DIS) called: European Conflict and Security Issues.

The course description:
A study of issues and problems in European security. The search for a stable European security order. The transatlantic relationship. The emergence of new threats like terrorism, proliferation of weapons of mass destruction, ethnic conflict, and failing states. The attempt to define an active role for the European Union in international security.

My dad told me three years ago that I would make a good poli sci major. Too bad I called him crazy.

Yesterday I saw a bumper sticker that read:





















I wonder if they have succeeded yet.

so jumpy

Every night at approximately 9:45 PM, Peter Romanov gets on the loudspeaker and announces that the library will be closing in 15 minutes. Every night, this sudden break in the silence makes me jump... quite literally. It happens even though I know the announement is impending. I can be looking at the clock, which reads 9:45PM and brace myself, silently telling myself over and over that it is about to happen, and I still get freaked out.

I really just love storms

we finally had a nice storm tonight in Winston.
I miss those summer storms at the beach so much.
Remember that time it rained so hard that we couldn't tell where the ocean started?
The kids were all screaming--it was raining that hard, but it was glorious.
where beauty overlaps and is intertwined with chaos... I think that's where I want to be.

have you danced in the rain? I mean really just cut loose?

how do they know?

So the webpage I was just looking at had little advertisements imbedded in the page. Normal, right? Yeah... but I actually took the time to read those ads today, and they were creepily catered to me. Ok, maybe not the one about getting a credit card, but the one advertising the "Magic Dance" ringtone?! Man! How do those little spies know I am a closet Labyrinth fan? That is just sick. I mean how many people would even know that "Magic Dance" is a David Bowie song in Labyrinth?

home.

So I went home for a few days this week. Here are some highlights:
-I got a new driver's liscense because my old one was scheduled to expire in June. Apparently, my liscense is now good until I turn 31. That is so crazy. I can't even imagine being 31. So much will change before then. The annoying thing is since I got it before my birthday, I'll be 30, and my lisence will still say "under 21."

-I ran into one of the guys who asked me to prom junior year. I hadn't seen him in four years. As you can imagine, we did not bring up the prom thing. It was actually a good interaction though. He really was one of my favorite people in High School... one of the only ones worth talking to. He works at Fazoli's now.

I feel like my father must have paid my grandfather to periodically ask me if I had found a job yet. I was home for about 48 hours, and her seriously asked me 4 times if I had found a job. Dimentia? I don't think so.

To respond to that question, I do now have a job... at good old ZSR. Yeah, I'll be working at the reference desk and in "special collections" which kind of makes me think of "secret service." So things are starting to fall into place. I now at least have the first half of the summer mapped out... now what to do with July/August?

the remnants of a year

Cleaning out my room, I find:
Lists of things to do yet left undone,
receipts from meals,
expired, unused coupons,
movie ticket stubs,
exactly 8 fortunes (even though I don't like Chinese food),
that cd I forgot to give back to you,
someone's lost lanyard that I never turned in,
a red and yellow striped paper clip,
an unfinished scarf,
a couple of letters,
a spider's web in the bathroom,
a pile of books left unread, and
those earplugs I couldn't find the night there were still people here at 4AM.

Beware:

After 1:45 PM on Friday

Yeah, it's short
yeah, I cried a little,
but it's growing on me.
(pun not originally intended, but I didn't change it.)


because it was time for a change


if it takes 7 donations on average to make a wig,
I have 5 more to go.

man, you can see the nervousness in my eyes.
















and... two days later.

I no longer think like I look like a long-lost
Hanson brother, so that's good.

Before 1:30PM on Friday

Brace, yourself.

In Search of Lost Time

Well I managed to avoid losing an hour of sleep for a week since I was in Louisana for Spring Break (which is in a different time zone), but time finally caught up with me and surpassed me last night. I can't believe that school starts tomorrow. Even though Spring Break seemed to fly by in some respect, I feel as if I haven't attended classes in a decade. I don't know... I like school for the most part, but I just don't want to get back into that rushing mentality that seems to accompany it.

dream entry #5

So I was working at a new place for the first time except that this wasn't your conventional store at all. The one store was sort of a miniature mall with a walkway in the middle that separated various sections of the store. There was an icecream shop, a coffee shop (of course), an art studio, a haircutting place, and an area that sold vacuum cleaners. For a while, I sort of hung out behind the counter at the coffee/icecream shop, but I wasn't really doing anything because no one had given me training of any kind or even instructions. So after a while, I started walking around aimlessly, pretending to be busy. After about twenty minutes of this (yes, I checked my watch in my dream), this guy working there asked me why I was just walking around and not really doing anything. I explained to him that I didn't know what the heck I was supposed to be doing, and he said, "Come follow me, and I will show you what to do." So I followed him out the back door of the store complex and found myself in this wonderful, mysterious wooded area/meadow. Immediately upon exiting the building, the guy starting darting so quickly among the trees and brush that I was afraid I'd lose him, but somehow I stayed on the trail. Suddenly, he dove into a pool of water in the middle of the forest, and still, I followed him as he swam deep beneath the surface. I wish I could have seen where he was going, but then I woke up violently without even my alarm clock going off, somehow thinking I'd overslept. I bolted out of bed only to see that it was only 7:59 AM. I guess now I'll never know what he was going to show me.

saving the world one cup of coffee at a time

so I went out to get coffee with one of my professors this afternoon, and we talked for a while about the speaker we had just seen and the applications the material had for our lives. Shouldn't that be what school is? Just a dialogue between teacher and student without having to worry about grades, grad schools, etc. where each feels free to challenge the other and there are no desks or podiums to hide behind.

So today I signed up for my classes for next semester...

and here's what I've got as of right now:

1. Cross Cultural Psychology
2. The Making of the Modern Self (a philosophy class)
3. Russian Lit--The Great Works in Translation
4. Muslims in Western Europe (for my Religion requirement)
5. Elementary Danish

I was really upset because the Hans Christian Anderson class I wanted to take was not listed!! I have emailed the program to inquire about this because that was one of the classes I was most looking forward to. I am really excited about the Making of the Modern Self Class. Hopefully the psych class won't be too bad. (I sort of need it to graduate, anyway, and it would be kind of lame taking "Cross-cultural" psych in America. Plus the Developmental Disorders class I was interested in is at 8:30 AM... and it's likely that I'll have to commute 45 minutes to get to school, so that's just not going to happen.) Also--the Gender, Body, and Sexuality class unfortunately was at the same time as the Making of the Modern Self class, so that sucked. I also want to look into the Food, Film, and Fiction class... that sounds delightful.

So I'm really excited to go to Denmark, but it kind of sucks that I didn't go last semester when I was in my funk. (Yeah, just take a look at my blog entries from last semester, and you'll see what I mean. I don't know if I was depressed per se, but something was "off" to say the least.) Now housing next year is so much more complicated.

but I don't even like raisins...

There was a raisin on my shoe when I took it off just now.
I do not know how it got there.
I don't even remember encountering any raisins today.

I needs me some culture

The other day, I realized that I have not been out of North or South Carolina in 7 years... and that was for a funeral, so that doesn't really count. Outside of my trip to California at age 3, I have not even been further West than about Asheville, NC. Sad.

Man, I can't wait to go to Denmark this fall.

V-day Especial

Hello everyone. So when I was procrastinating last night, I compiled the single best line for Valentine's day from each of the songs I played on my radio show... and it goes something like this:

"would you go along with someone like me?"
"I think I'm in love, but it makes me kinda nervous to say so"
"If you find yourself caught in love, say a prayer to the man above"
"fruit always tastes much sweeter when I'm with you"
"whenever I'm alone with you, you make me feel like I am home again"
"all I do is sleep all day and think of you"
"I'm a high school lover, and you're my favorite flavor"
"Oh my lover for the first time in my life, my eyes can see"
"love is a tired symphony you hum when you're awake"
"you left a lovestain on my heart"
"If music is my lover, you are just a tease"
"hey, lloyd, I'm ready to be heartbroken"
"touch me, baby, tainted love"
"I need a lover with soul power"

all this dust

So I was wondering how it is that everything gets so dusty. Where the heck does it come from anyway? As I was pondering this mystery of life, I drew a squiggly design across the black background of my computer screen. Mere seconds after I did this, I actually watched a piece of dust get sucked onto my computer screen.

I feel like this should be a metaphor for something. All this dust. I mean there's dust on all of my things--my speakers, my picture frames, my dresser, my phone, my computer, etc. Dust is a part of our lives, and the thing is... we really can't stop it from coming. All we can really do is move it around. Displace it. Pull out the Swiffer, perhaps. But it will come back. It always does.

laundry day.

Some weeks after doing laundry, I realize that I
only wore one color scheme all week.

What if...

we only responded to questions with magic 8 ball answers like:
"Better not tell you now"
"Without a doubt"
"Signs point to yes"
"As I see it, yes"
"Outlook not so good"

and my favorite:
"Concentrate and ask again"

on the way home tonight

I noticed that they replaced the old marque on scales "fine art" center. (darn it, I just spent like 10 minutes trying to find the right spelling for that word, but I'm still unsure... you know--those giant signs where you have to stick the letters on one by one). Instead of the good old fashioned magnetic letters (always amusing when letters are missing or backwards), they now have this electronic one with red words that scroll across the screen, and I don't like it. I feel like something is lost with all this technology. So yeah, I was walking by that tonight on the way home from my radio show, when I realized that it displays the time... down to the second! As you walk by, you can literally see the seconds ticking away up there in bright red letters, and the funny thing is, I found myself actually walking faster as I stared at this exhibition of passing time. It was as if I could see my life flying by.

strange and unsettling happenings

last night someone broke into three cars in our parking lot, and today our fire alarm went off for the first time in two years. What the heck? Hopefully theives will see my car and assume that there's nothing valuable in it, and if they do break in, well screw them because my interior lights don't even work, so they will not be able to see anything. so ha! I've been thinking about whether or not I have any valuables in my car, and I can only think of the cd player we had installed.

Other than that, I have these things in my car:
-5 packs of fruit snacks (stolen from home as I walked out the door),
-a large package of napkins (just in case of a spill or a runny nose... who knows how they go there in the first place),
-old directions to venues and the like,
-a bag of cracker jacks left over from the summer (just in case I find myself trapped in my car and am on the verge of starvation),
-and about 6 happy meal toys in the in the back seat leftover from my fast food-eating days.

So unless that ninja turtle on a motorcycle is worth money, I don't think it'd be worth it to break into my car. (apart from said cd player/radio).

On a more positive note, they had something called a crunchy peanut butter bannana bagel at Panera today. I got two, and now I am thrilled about breakfast tomorrow.

I think I'll start assigning numbers to my dream entries... we'll say this is number 4. (4 iskind of arbitrary though.)

Last night I dreamed that everyone walked backwards.


I wonder what that symbolizes. Do I wish I could go back in time? Am I frustrated that life is moving too fast?

http://www.pifmagazine.com/SID/413/

"As soon as I knew that I would be all right, I was sure that I was dead and didn't know it. I moved through the days like a severed head that finishes a sentence. I waited for the moment that would snap me out of my seeming life."

-Amy Hempel

more confessions

sometimes I put my music on shuffle, and I'm pleasantly surprised
sometimes at night I like to just ride my bike around campus once
sometimes I picture what my life would be like with you
sometimes I wish things would just be simple again
sometimes awful things come out of my mouth
sometimes I worry about the state of my soul
sometimes I think about eating chicken
sometimes I am the biggest hypocrite
sometimes I still misspell "definitely"
sometimes I take chances
sometimes I miss you
sometimes I'm lonely
sometimes I look back with regret
sometimes I wake myself up laughing
sometimes I don't know what's true anymore
sometimes I am glad you can't read my mind
sometimes I wish everything were in black in white
sometimes I fancy myself the author of a brilliant novel
sometimes I wish I were still a kid so I could roll down a hill again
sometimes I can be content just sitting in bed and staring blankly into space

so this is the new year...

and I DO feel a bit different, thank you Ben Gibbard.

OK so maybe I don't feel different (differently?), but I'm going to try to adjust my attitude to be a more positive person. I guess nobody likes Debbie Downer even though I get a strange kick out of being pessimistic. It's almost as if it's ok to be pessimistic if you're joking around, but it's not ok if you're serious about it. I really do have some good feelings about this year though. I mean people are getting back from being abroad, I'm going abroad next fall (woo hoo!), I've developed a pretty comfortable routine, etc.

We had to take the Myers Briggs Personality test for RA purposes, and I was an INFJ again... though not strong on the last letter. I seem to flip flop between J and P. I always get a kick out of reading the descriptions though.

"idealistic, complex, and deep"
"deeply committed to their values"
"private, even mysterous"
"quietly forceful"
"Though INFJ's are usually reserved, they don't hesitate to assert themselves when their values are violated"
"The are lyoal to people and institutions that exemplify their values but have little interest in those that do not"
"report that they do not date much"
"may haave high expectations for self"
"may need to compromise to meet professor's expectations"

silent confessions

some things I couldn't tell you:

I still have dreams about you sometimes even though I told myself I got over you last summer.

I looked through all 158 picture of you and your girlfriend even though I haven't talked to you in a year and a half.

I knew this would happen when you gushed to me about her after that first night you spent together. Don't you get it? The beauty of your writing coincides with your anger, your despair, and your desire for something better. I haven't heard you complain in months. I haven't heard you at all. You've stopped writing all-together.


things I don't even want to hear:

you gave college too much credit. you still don't know what you're going to do with your life, and guess what... you still don't have a boyfriend. (and you're not even sure you want one anymore.) If you were a boy, you wouldn't want to date you either.

home hasn't been the same since high school. you don't recognize half the people at church. no one even knows who you are when you come home. people can't hid their dissaproval at choosing to be an English major. You see through that subtle head shake and know they're thinking but you had so much potential.

your father resembles your grandfather more every day.

you're putting up a front... only which one is it? is this all a bunch of "creative writing" or is it the truth?


___________________________________________
I'm frightened of what these words might bring,
but it's important for me to remember these things.

Have you ever taken a look at the books on the shelf at the coffee shop on campus?

we've got The Canadians
The Essential Fat Gram Counter for Ethnic Dining
The Rhetoric of Sexuality and the Literature of the French Renaissance
The Best Short Plays 1982-1983
Alaska Cruises and orts of Call
Memoirs of Medieval Women
and my personal favorite: Help for Shy People

I just don't even know what to make of this.

in 2 weeks I'll be in bed... hibernating for a good 36 hours straight

I am unsure if I should be thankful that there are only two weeks or if I should be terrified that I only have two weeks left with which to complete my growing mountain of work.
I keep thinking to myself only two weeks left! The end is so close! But then I realize crap the end is so close. I'll never finish it all. It's a conflict really.

Food has become a burden... that's when you know it's bad. I get frustrated that I have to schedule time in for eating when I could be doing other things. speaking of...

hot pursuit

So I've had these odd dreams the last two consecutive nights.

Thursday night: that woman from the CSI episode on cults (we watched it in my religious cults and sects class a while back) and I were running away (presumably from a cult we had joined). We had to run through dense woods and through many abandoned houses and barns while these people were running after us. Right when we would think we had successfully ditched them by hiding in a barn or in the woods, these zombie like creatures would come out of hiding and chase us and try to kill us. (Yes... the cult members had turned into zombies of some sort). It was pretty disturbing.

Friday night: I was in a hospital, and I was being chases again, but the circumstances had changed. This time I was running away from Edward Norton for some reason. It was bizarre... towards the beginning of the dream, there was a table with three books on it: The Red Dragon, Hanibal, and Silence of the Lambs, so I guess that's where Edward Norton comes from, but he was the bad guy, and he was creepy. You would think you'd be safe in a hospital (and you'd think I'd want to run toward Edward Norton and wrap my arms around him), but it was anything but safe. It was a frantic chase up and down deserted hosptial floors and in and out of rooms. One door opened to a huge, strange gymnasium sort of room with a sort of an obstacle course. I climbed to the top so that I could at least see Edward coming, but instead of Edward Norton, all of the sudden Andrew Martin (who lives with me in the Eco house) opened the door and started chasing me. Luckily, for some reason, Erin Evans (my boss at the bookstore) saw it all happening and yelled at him saying he was fired. (I think she got him confused with Steve who did work at the bookstore last year because Andrew definitely doesn't.) Yeah... that was about when I woke up.

more with studying abroad

My latest fling = Copenhagen. I stumbled across this website a few weeks ago actually, but it has really started to catch my attention. OK, so it doesn't look like the classes would be a breeze at all, but they do look interesting/intriguing for sure. You basically have to pick a focus program and then you get to add electives of your choice. I think I'd go with the Psychology program--the specialty is about childhood disorders and about child psychology in general, which I think would be great if I decide I want to go into education or be a school psychologist. The class requires 50-60 hours of fieldwork, which is overwhealming, but would be very rewarding. Basically all day Thursdays, I'd be working directly with kids. They've also got some cool-sounding lit classes: Kierkengaard: Philosophy and Meaning in Life, The Making of the Modern Self, Hans Christian Anderson and the Danish Golden Age. The first two classes are also philosophy classes which would be so great since I've been wanting to take more philosophy classes anyway. Yes, so I think I'm going to really try to go there. The question now is: should I take Italian this spring just in case Copenhagen doesn't work out? I don't know. If I don't take it, I definitely won't be able to go to Venice with Wake. I just don't know if that'd be the right program for me though. I really would like to meet people from other schools and to have more options as far as classes go. So we'll see.

I have this great story to tell you about a pair of shoes, but I will leave that for another day. I need to get down to some paper-writing now.

exhibit B

exhibit B
Originally uploaded by kowars4.

written on a bathroom wall
(please read entry from 11/4 for more info)

Do you believe in signs?

So for the past two weeks, I've really been trying to decide about whether or not I will go abroad next fall. If you had asked me three years ago if I planned to study abroad in college, I would have surely answered with an emphatic "yes!" but it's so late in the game now that it's serioulsy a pain in the butt to find the write program. Then I found out the English dept. is going to Venice, and I thought huh... maybe it'll be Venice, then. So I decided to look for signs because as you probably know, I am horrible at making decisions. Really, it's bad, and I'm sort of embarrassed about it because it's not like I don't have opinions or goals. I just always wish I could see ahead to learn which option will turn out to be better. It's so hard when you don't know who you'd end up living with over there, you know? Yes... so back to the signs. Here goes nothing:

Exihibit A:
ok, so I happened to be sitting in the international/travel section in Borders, so this may not exactly be too crazy, but these two people proceeded to talk about Venice for like 30 minutes right in front of me. Interesting, but like I said, some skeptics may claim that the likelihood that something like that would happen increased dramatically since I was in that section. So, I wasn't sure what to make of that and just noted it.

Exhibit B:
please see the picture that hopefully I uploaded correctly to my blog. (wow, this will be the first picture!)
yes, I saw this written on a bathroom wall. The quote is crazy enough as it is, but then there was my name at the bottom of it. Now if that isn't a sign, what is?!

Additionally, I would have to take summer school in order to knock out my remaining divisionals, and I thought this would stop me from going abroad, but I was complaining to Shelia Lockheart of the Religion dept., and she told me I could stay in one of the guest rooms in her house over the summer. wow and wow. Some people are just so nice it makes me wonder if there is something wrong or different about them for being so nice or if there is something wrong about everyone else.

Yes, so I think I am meant to go abroad. Now the question will just be... where? and how the heck am I going to pay for it?

The American Nightmare

OK, so I'm a bit hesitant about putting this out here since I haven't thought it through nearly enough yet, but oh well. I had a revelation this week... maybe on Monday, I'm not sure. I've got an idea for a book that would actually challenge people and hopefully convey some new or unspoken ideas. I realize this is a big claim to make, and that chances are I will no doubt be restating the ideas of someone else. (Please see my post from August 23rd about original thoughts... and then read the comment I added under Sarah's.)

So here it is: pursuit of the "American Dream" is ruining America. In a society where everyone is looking out for their own interests and trying to get the most they can out of life, The gap between the rich and the poor is getting larger and larger; a canyon is forming that eventually will cause such a rift that huge consequences will ensue. I mean check out these startling statistics from 2004: The top 1% of the wealthiest people in the nation got 17% of all income nationwide. The bottom 90 percent got less than 58% (http://www.csmonitor.com/2006/1002/p15s01-cogn.html). I mean what the heck is that?

The American Dream is instilling horrible tendencies in people today. They'll have you think that you won't be happy if you don't make a lot of money, marry someone beautiful and successful at a young age, and wear a suit to work. Seriously though, what does this "dream" say about our society? It says that the IDEAL here is to cover your ass and to make as much money as possible. What an egocentric idea is that?! Forget about all the problems caused on your way to becoming "successful." What is "successful" anyway? How do we define that? Our idea of success has become so twisted. It's sick.

Maybe if we stopped looking out for ourselves, and actually cared about what's going on around us and helping people, America wouldn't suck so much. We need to re-think these goals and ideals that are corrupting our society.

Alright, that's all I've got for now. You can write me off as naive, hopelessly idealistic, crazy, arrogant, or whatever now.

a social experiment of sorts

I have decided to conduct a social experiment of sorts. You know how people are constantly talking on their cell phones on the way to class? Well I'm going to make a concerted effort to listen in on these conversations (yes, I will eavesdrop), and I'll carry around a notebook in which to record snipits of conversations... I think it will shed a light on the state of college students and society today. I do not expect to get really uplifting results. I wonder what this says about me--that I would chose to take on such a project that I expect to have negative results. I will try to keep this bias in check.

the source of inspiration: a girl talking on the phone, "Whatever. We hate her, and that's all that matters."

so yeah, I'll give you a list at some point then.

and... there are so many things I've been meaning to write about. Hopefully I will get around to that at some point.

The thing about reading is this:

I feel like the more I read, the more things that I can't write about because someone has already done it... and done a good job of it. There are so many good analogies or little tangents that I come across reading and think man, I wish I had come up with that or said that first. Of course these sorts of experiences can also help someone develop their style and come up with other illustrations as well. It's tricky though. Sometimes I feel like it's getting harder and harder to say something original.

I learned a new word today: "kitschy." I actually saw it on an article from the student webpage, too, so kudos to whoever wrote the bit about restaurants.

(In case you're wondering, kitsch-something of tawdry design, appearance, or content created to appeal to popular or undiscriminating taste. The sentence they give is this: “When money tries to buy beauty it tends to purchase a kind of courteous kitsch” (William H. Gass).

so there you have it.

what's been bothering me lately:

1. the contraction "won't" -- I mean really what the heck is that a contraction for anyway? Last time I checked, "wo" is not a word. Shouldn't it be "willn't?"

2. when people drive down one-way parking lot lanes going the wrong direction and then look at you like you're the stupid one.

3. debauchery in general.

another addiction...?

honestly, I can of hesitate to advertise this, but here it is:
http://www.myspace.com/ocean_of_crashes

I don't currently have any friends, but I have put in a request for zach braff (who is a new jump, little chidren convert: http://vids.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=vids.individual&videoid=1064544343).


so I have a confession to make... a pretty big one at that. So on Sunday morning I went to church (as typical), but a great portion of the time spent there I found myself thinking about anything other than what was actually going around. It was awful, I felt guilty, but I couldn't really get myself to focus. Then, on the way home I was listening to Coldplay (sort of a flashback to my coldplay-obsessed days), and it hit me that I was having a more "spiritual" time with the music than I had in church. I just don't know what to make of that. You might say that people use music to glorify God, and that's often true, but I don't think that's what was going on in me. For the most part, I can't stand listening to Christian music (at least not the obviously Christian music). Live stuff is ok, but recorded stuff is awful to me and just comes of as cheesy.
I'm trying to live life on my own, without any help from God... we'll see how destructive this turns out to be.

man, you should try the meatless meatballs... they're excellent

So what if instead of speaking in tongues everyone just started dancing dances of native cultures or even ballet or break dancing... anything different. Man, that would be so cool. I'd much rather do that than speak in tongues. Language (at least the speaking kind) is so over-rated. Don't get me wrong... I understand that spoken language is important, but it can be such a barrier sometimes.

So I had my first experience at The Garage (a small music venue/bar in winston-salem), and it was interesting. Man the people alone were virtually worth the 7 bucks. It's that indie crowd of boys in tight clothing and free-spirited girls with long flowing hair. These people just radiate beauty and intrigue. I just sat on the side on a couch and watched people while appeciating the music. Some guy started talking to me, but I'm afraid I'm just not good with making small talk. I don't know. something about it seems so fake. He accused me of dating one of the band members, which was amusing. I guess that was how he justified my lack of interest. (Of course it was probably the only clean cut boy with short blonde hair in the entire place that sat by me. Not exactly my type since middle school.) I want to go back though.

goals accomplished

So I'd say I accomplished some summer-long goals today.

1. I ran to the guard gate at the beginning of the island today--6 miles... oh yeah... and it was like 94 degrees. I have been running four miles daily, but decided to go all out today. It felt so good to accomplish this goal.

2. (the lesser of the three goals (?)) I started (again for the third time) Kurt Vonnegaut's (sp?) book Cat's Cradle with honest intentions of finishing it. It's not that I didn't enjoy it the first two times, I just got side-tracked. You know how that goes.

2. I walked out to the crab dock (this mile-long trail through the woods) by myself without a flashlight. This is sort of a big deal. I was only the third staff member to do it in the past four years. On more than one occassion I heard loud noises right off the path that made me freeze in my tracks as if I were the deer. I walked the whole way with my left hand over my heart so that with every sound of rustling, I could feel my heartbeat pick up speed and intensity (which of course only made it worse. I was getting nervous about being nervous.) I didn't know if I should be making a lot of noise or if I should be silent. The whole experience made me pray harder than I've prayed in a LONG time, and it was certainly humbling.

a little quote for you:

"I have no idea how people function without near-constant internal chaos. I'd lose my mind" (A Heartbreaking work of Staggering Genius 214).

sometimes I wonder if I'm crazy, but then I think that I'd have it no other way.
people sometimes tell me that they wonder what is going on in my head, but that's the way I like it... most of the time.

rain

It's raining right now, and I'm lying in bed--in my bed no less--listening to "Upward Over the Mountain" by Iron and Wine, and well... it's nice. I feel safe and warm and content. You know what? You wanna hear a secret? The beauty of it is that I'm actually really enjoying this solitary time. For the first time in a long time I'm really not focusing any of my attention or intentions on a boy, and it's liberating really. I guess I have felt this sort of freedom for a few weeks now. I'll be honest... at first it was actually just really depressing because I felt like I had nothing to attain, no one to hope for, but as time passed, I began to relish the feeling of independence. Of course this feeling is dangerous... I can see myself more and more accepting the mindset that I can do it all on my own--that I'm unstoppable, invincible, and somehow above all the people struggling with emotions and love, but for now anyway, I'm content to wait my turn. Some day I will meet the right guy, everything will click, and we can disappear together. I will find someone who can take one look at me and know what I am thinking.

The rain falls harder now, and I can't help but ponder the possible symbolism it conveys.

while sitting outside of java java today...

"From the tip of every branch, like a fat purple fig, a wonderful future beckoned and winked. [...] I saw myself sitting in the crotch of this fig tree, starving to death just because I couldn't make up my mind which of the figs I would choose. I wanted each and every one of them, but choosing one meant losing all the rest, and, and I sat there, unable to decide, the figs began to wrinkle and go black, and, one by one, they plopped to the ground at my feet" (Plath, The Bell Jar 62-63).

isn't that how it is? man I really just don't want to have to make decisions. I watched some of the people walking around "freshfields" on kiawah island today, and it looks like they have it all, but for some reason, I just can't imagine they're happy. I know that's an unfair judgement, but I don't want to be like that. I don't want to have to live a certain way to fulfill certain and specific unspoken rules. I read today in a profile of the lead guy from the brunettes that his life goal is to "find the right girl and disappear." What a thrilling goal that is--to disappear with the one you love because nothing else matters; your life is not governed by the raucous sound of paradoxically deafening unspoken rules. I don't know... sometimes I look at people, and I just want to shake them and say, are you happy? are you even alive?

today I truly witnessed one of the most amazing things I've ever seen

So we were on the beach swimming with all the kids... the weather was pretty crappy to begin with: really cloudy and lightly raining, but no thunder/lightening, so it was a go. It started raining harder, so we got all the kids out of the water, and right about when everyone was out, the sky exploded. It rained harder than I've ever seen it rain. Within seconds there was about an inch or two of water covering the beach. (it was low tide, so there was a lot of naked beach.) The water was so deep on the beach that it covered my feet. We couldn't see where the ocean started because of all the water. It was seriously amazing. Mean while the rain was pelting so hard that every kid out there just started screaming at the top of their lungs. It was absolute melee, but it was glorious. It was one of those moments you wish you could share with everyone. It was raining so hard, the rain pelted the sea flat. There were no waves. It got so thick you couldn't see more than five feet out into the water.

well...

I'm not a teenager anymore.

if you don't know who dr. john carter is, you should.

So all of the sudden I have this desire to collect go milk? ads. go figure. apprently though, some people actually sell these things on ebay. Some people additionally sell "clippings" from magazines about random stars. It's sort of crazy really how long it must have took to assemble the 78 clippings of Heath Ledger or whoever else. Seriously, I found one women who must have had at least a thousand different people offered in her clippings. I'll be honest though... I would really enjoy that Noah Wyle got milk ad. All those ER re-runs have been getting to me, and oh man, Dr. John Carter is hot.

oh man.

man, I'm getting way too darn sentimental. I've been home for a week now, but it really actually sucked to leave. The contrast between leaving freshman year and this year is unbelieveable. Freshman year I made a mix for the ride home entitled "Freshman year is FINALLY over!!" seriously. I couldn't wait to get out of that place. This year I actually knew seniors. The last month or so of school I kept thinking man, I'm only going to live with these people until May 5th. After that, they will be out of my life. It doesn't matter that I just lived with them (or saw them all the time). They'll be graduating and moving on... leaving me... here. I don't know. It just sucks. I don't want to live in the house without them next year. When you live with someone, you start to communicate with just facial expressions--it's all about the raised eyebrows, that half smile, the glare. I'm going to miss that so much, as lame as it sounds. It really is the little things that will kill me: the jokes about charles knowing everything, the kitchen constantly smelling like garlic and onion, steve glaring at me in the hall and shaking his head, kasee sending those emails about the state of the kitchen, the roadtrips, family dinners...

I don't want to never see them again. I don't want them to move on until I'm ready to because I'm selfish like that. Man, I'm even going to miss those random seniors I never technically met, but always wanted to. You know--the ones that you always see walking around or the ones that buy coffee from me a few days a week. I really do just like habit. I like doing the same thing every Saturday, always having our dinners together on Sundays, etc. so... I'm thinking about driving up for graduation afterall...

summer = such a flirt--just far enough away to be out of reach but never out of sight

I don't like that phrase "waste time."
how can you decide what wastes time and what doesn't?
why is relaxing and listening to music or enjoying the day by sitting outside wasting time while being studious or working isn't? that's ridiculous and way too arbitrary.

be warned...

so lately I've found myself preceeding many sentences with, "I could have made that up though..." I don't know if I just have a bad memory or I just enjoy making things up or what, but sometimes I just find myself saying something and then I realize that it was not necessarily true at all. If you sound confident, people just believe you. I realize this is pretty deceptive behavior, and I can't really remember when it started. Most of the time it's unintentional... I think... (I bet you thought I was going to say, "but I could have made that up." I'm not that predictable.)

have I said this already? I know I've been thinking it for a while...

There are certain people I always see walking around on campus. It's crazy. It shouldn't happen... statistically speaking, but I really like it. There's something comforting about seeing those few kids everywhere you go even though you have no idea who they are and you've never talked to them. Sometimes I just want to reach out and introduce myself, but that might alter the magical quality of it all. (plus, it could make for awkward situations... many of them since you see this person all the time.) I like to think that we'll meet if we're supposed to. One day something will happen, and it will be amazing. Until then I am free to make up your life. In my head you are this amazingly deep and complex person. Sometimes my eyes give away these secret thoughts as we pass on the way to class. I wonder if that sparkle in your eyes is a coincidence or if you have imagined an alternate reality for me.

because my birthday is actually June 12th

First of all, let me just say that I definately appreciated the birthday wishes I received last Saturday... the thing is you were early by a couple of months. Please don't think I'm a jerk. I realize that my behavior may come off as immature or attention-seeking or even mean, but that was not what I had in mind. Honestly, I just thought it'd be interesting to test how much people rely on facebook for information. It's sick really. Although most of the people who wished me happy birthday had no reason to know when my actual birthday was, there were some of you who have even cellebrated my birthday with me in the past, but you were so convinced that facebook must be right that you went against your instincts. Facebook is NOT infallible, kids. It CAN lie.

the sad thing is no one called me out on it. the only person who came close I only just met a month or two ago, and he really had no reason to know. so... there you have it.

I feel like I'm waiting for something to happen...

I started to write something, but it just wasn't interesting. I'm sorry.

A brief overview since it's been a while:

-Spring Break: I went home. I hung out with my 92 year-old grandfather all day. I'm not really bitter about my spring break. honestly. It just annoyed the crap out of me the Monday classes started back up. Seriously, I am going to make a T-shirt next year detailing my spring break. OK, so if you were one of the few who did not enquire about my spring break... now you know.

-some new music to report:
Band / standout song (if applicable)
Boy Least Likely To / Be Gentle With Me, I see Spiders when I close my Eyes
Half-Handed Cloud / Earth Outside of Gost will Only be Quicksand
Arctic Monkeys / When the Sun Goes Down
The Rosebuds

and some slower stuff (which I spend the majority of my time listening to):
Jose Gonzalez / Heartbeats
The Red House Painters

or I guess you'd know what I've been listening to lately if you are a dedicated stalker.
http://www.last.fm/user/RachL04/

-RiverRun Film festival was quite enjoyable. Looking forward to some crazy marathons next year. I finally met up with some people by accident after trying to coordinate stuff all weekend. I like that. It sort of proves that what's meant to be will be. So... yeah.

-I'm going to be the RA here at the environmental house next year... mixed feelings.

last night while I slept

We've been talking and reading a lot about dreams in my religion class lately, so I thought I'd go ahead and share one one with you. It happened last night.

It was a wherewolf epidemic--the things were just running rampid in the streets, etc. but no one was really scared but me. (I wasn't living at school, at home, or at camp... I don't really know where the heck I was.) So I hid under my bed for a while, but then I realized that since wherewolfs are like dogs in a way, they must have an excellent sense of smell, so I knew hiding wouldn't really do me any good if they got into the house. After worrying about it some more and warning everyone at the house about being careful and not going outside, the door bell rang. Against my pleads, someone opened the door. A scared-looking couple and their young son are standing at the stoop. Since they admitted they were also afraid of the wherewolves, someone encouraged them to stay in our house. Guess what... they weren't wherewolves, but it turns out they were vampires.

The whole time I had been trying to save myself from the wrong thing while the real enemy waltzed right on in.

on the way to class this morning

oh, to walk with closed eyes
feel the sun on my face
and the wind lift my hair
smell spring on its way.
one sense sleeps,
the others wake
to take in the beauty
that is normally lost
in the rush of the day.

MBPT

ok, so if you haven't taken the myers briggs personality test, you really should. It's so darn interesting. You can take an abreviated version for free on the internet: http://www.humanmetrics.com/cgi-win/JTypes2.asp

so take it, and tell me what you get.

I got INFJ (introverted, intuitive, feeling, and judging). I also took the test in high school, and I believe I got either the same thing, or INFP, so I think it's fairly accurate. It's crazy reading the descriptions for the types they have available on the internet. They're sooo true, it's scary. lucky me... my personality type is the least represented in the general population--a mere 1.5%. I guess that explains some things. famous INFJ's include: Chaucer, Hawthorne, Shirley Temple, MLK jr., mother Theresa, and Billy Crystal. I'm an idealist: big surprise there.

ooo here's a good line: "Life is not necessarily easy for the INFJ, but they are capable of great depth of feeling and personal achievement." oh ok. so uh yeah... check it out.

a sign of better times?

so tonight in a bizarre twist of fate/turn of events, a light actually went on as I walked by in Q. This sudden unexpected illumination occurred moments after I actually half-smiled at some random guy passing by as he silently mouthed, hey. It was one of those rare moments where neither of you suddenly diverts their eyes to look at the fascinating sidewalk, which is known as a lame attempt to avoid human interaction. it was indeed a magical moment under the glow of those infamous lighted poles in Q which I had previously thought had secretly conspired against me.

you may wonder why it means so much to me that a stranger would say hi since I typically don't like these often false and mindless exchanges. but in my romanticized brain, the stranger has no reason or obligation to acknowledge my presence; thus, it was a conscious choice.

There are certain people I feel like I am always seeing around campus, yet I know nothing about their lives. For some our lives seem to be parallel more than chance would dictate. Although I often long to get to know these people, I know it would be best to maintain that false reality I have created for them.

The advantage of the ideal theory over the popular faith is this, that it presents the world in precisely that view which is most desirable to the mind... For seen in the light of thought, the world is always phenomenal. --Emerson

"nothing" is the matter

So many things I want to tell you. Maybe some other time.

a light went out again tonight in Q as I walked by silently by myself, and I couldn't help but smile.

I think I'll sleep really well tonight as soon as I'm exhausted by thinking for a while. Usually it annoys me when I can't sleep, but I think I almost want to lie in bed for a while tonight. Somehow I can create turmoil and distress out of a vast amount of nothingness... or maybe that's the problem--nothing. you'll have to think about that for a minute, but it makes sense... to me, anyway.

granted not having short term memory mostly sucks... sometimes it'd be pretty sweet

So I got some chaco's yesterday. they were 50% off, and that's exciting. I think I have problems with buying/aquiring things that I simply don't need though. I mean I'll definately use my chaco's, but did I really need CHACO's or would some other brand have served the purpose? Also--am I buying them to try to fit in and be more outdoorsy? outdoorsy people are just as bad as frat guys. they just conform to different things. Outdoors clothing is EXPENSIVE, and there are definately name brands and non-name brands. Maybe it's polo shirts for one group, but it's chaco's or patagonia raincoats or whatever for the other group. I do have a slightly humerous or endearing story about the chaco's though:

so it was just a few hours after I had purchased the chaco's. They were lying on the floor next to my desk when I walked in and actually thought to myself: hmmm those are pretty sweet. I wonder whose they are. Then I realized they were mine, and I got giddy all over again. I sort of wish that would happen everyday to me. I think I'd be a lot happier if it did. I'd wake up, and think A laptop! holy crap! that's awesome! WITH WIRELESS internet access?! NO WAY!!!!

It's about to get interesting, kids.

classes start tomorrow... oh boy.
While I was considering dropping my 8am sociology, I confess I looked at the roster, and decided it may be worth keeping. There are some interesting kids in that class, so we'll see how it goes. Yeah, so my schedule is pretty much up in the air, but I think that is a good thing overall. It will certainly make it more interesting. I'll keep you posted. ha... haha.

What I'm looking for:

We took these compatibility test things in high school as a fundraiser of sorts. I sort of wish we would do something like that in college just because I feel like there must be some great people out there that I’m just not meeting. Sort of in the spirit of that, I thought I'd do a little post about the qualities I am looking for... you will probably find this at best amusing and at worst pathetic. Eh, at this point I really don't think anyone reads this anyway, so I've got nothing to lose. I think there is a 150- point max just so you know.

Drives a Volvo………….+4

Drives a smaller car………+3

Tall, dark, and hansom…….+6

Majoring/minoring in English, Psych, Env. Studies, Sociology, Religion, Education…+5

Likes good music…………..+8

Episcopalian………………..+9

Catholic………………….+7

Presbyterian…………….+7

Other sort of Protestant Christian…….+5

Dresses well……………..+5

Plays a musical instrument…+7

Has a good set of morals……+7

Makes me laugh……………..+7

I like the parents……………….+6

Likes the outdoors…………+7

Has mastered the whole dorky/cute look……+6

Is a good hugger………….+8

Is passionate about something in life……..+8

Writes poetry/songs………+5

Is soft-spoken……………..+7

Likes kids/good with kids…….+8

Maintains eye contact……………..+7

Challenges me…………………..+7

Can hold a decent conversation…………+8

Comfortable with silence………………+7

Drives an SUV…………-5

Hunts……………………-10

Listens to country/rap music……-5

Drinks too much…………-9

In a fraternity……………-5

Isn't a Christian............-10

so what's your score?

but I don't want it to end...

in some strange way it seems to me that if I post something now, before tomorrow night, part of me will always be waiting for that last show. Earlier tonight I thought I’d actually be OK with this being the end, but lately I decided that it is definitely going to be rough afterall—devastating even. No more shows to look forward to with certainty. I need to keep reminding myself that the guys deserve to take a break, to be happy, and to do their own thing. I’m sure we will meet again some day. I have to think that.

Tonight was lovely by the way. I'm hoping tomorrow night will be spectactular.

another Christmas has passed...

Man, for some reason I am just rarely in the whole Christmas mood. It comes in spurts... all of the sudden I'll start singing a random Christmas carol in the kitchen or whatever, but that's about it. It's not like I want it to be that way. I sort of secretly want to be one of those people who is totally into Christmas, etc. just because they get so happy and into it and all, but I just can't dig up those sort of feelings.

Christmas this year was not much unlike Christmases of the past for me anyway. My mom insisted on buying me a bunch of stuff I'd never pick out for myself--her theme was pajamas this year. (I guess this is because of the whole in the butt of my favorite pajama pants... which by they way no one at the house told me about. I wonder how long it has been there.) So yeah... I got three pj sets more or less with christmas decorations on them. If you know me well (/live in the house) you know that I am often clad in pajama pants, and I just don't want to be wearing pj's with dalmations holding christmas presents on them in august. I don't know. I sound like an awful spoiled brat or something, but trust me... I don't like enjoy the whole process largely because it stresses my mom out since she always struggles with what to buy me. She does this thing--looks down and sort of does this odd smile/frown thing, and says, "yeah, I didn't think you'd really like them anyway. We can return them I guess." It just sucks.

So yeah... yesterday was pretty much a marathon shopping day. The highlites: I found a pretty sweet dress for dockstreet for $31 dollars. It was exciting. I will not go into how I feel about dockstreet quite yet. that will come. I also got a multitude of other things while shopping. Lately I have been using the word "multitude" a lot--just so you know.

I found this ironic:

at JC Penny, the sexy lingerie area is located right next to the maternity clothes area. ha... haha. I don't know... I thought it was pretty funny at the time.

high expectations

Man, you know it’s a good commercial when you see it, and you want to buy it even though you know from experience that it's just not that good. I was psyched about the Sonic Gingerbread Blast milkshake for days, and after my mom bought me one, I proclaimed my happiness, but after I had tried it, I found it did not live up to my high expectations. (so many commas.) my high expectations often mess up everything. I mean I know I should have high expectations for life and other random things sometimes, but it sucks when they’re just never met. I could go on about this for quite awhile and complain about my (lack of a) love life, but I will spare you.

let's talk about the weather--that's safe.

Everyone keeps saying that it's so cold here, but it's really not. I can go outside most of the time without a jacket (during the day), and it's been into the 50's and 60's. I guess it just seems warmer coming from Winston-Salem where I left behind freezing rain and wintry mixes.

been sitting around like a bum the last few days. I've been trying like mad to get a job. The manager at American Eagle actually recognizes me when I walk in now (I'm not sure if this is a good thing or not). Dad told me I had to be aggressive, so I've been trying. I still hadn't received any phone calls despite the promise from the woman at AE, so I went back today. After stopping in at a few stores I had applied to earlier, I was walking back out to my car when I decided to stop at one more place... Sam Goody. I chatted with the two women behind the counter only to later find out that one of them was the manager--which actually was perfect since I didn't really have the time to get nervous, and I was more myself up until then). Anyway, I filled out some forms, and she told me they'd have to do a background check on me, but she told me to fill out some W-4 forms (and that is a good sign) and to come back in a day or two and I could start working. So this is extremely good news. I don't know why I didn't stop in there before. I don't have to worry about wearing clothing the store sells every day since they don't sell clothes there, and there doesn't seem to be a real dress code, and they sell music and dvd's and stuff which is better than clothes anyday. Plus, they're right across from a coffee place. oh yes, this is going to be the beautiful start of something.

been getting darn sentimental lately thinking about the end of my favorite band, Jump, Little Children. No more stand-up shows. No more eagerly waiting for hours to see them. No more road trips. It's all just really sad. And I only just started to actually talk to the guys. (esp at the most recent show at NCSA--which I technically shouldn't have been allowed to see. I actually helped them unload their stuff though... it was great.) I know this is bad and may be unhealthy, but I really, really have enjoyed going to their shows. It has given me something to look forward to, and well after 12/30, there will be no more. I mean my favorite band isn't one of those that sells out amphitheatres and tours maybe once every three years. You actually get to talk to them, and you could reach out and touch them at shows if you wanted to b/c they're that close. plus, they're just so real. ok, I should stop now because you probably think I'm crazy.

Time to make some dinner para la familia.

detached.

Man, yesterday I was in a weird mood. I guess it was because I was sick, but I really can't blame it on meds since I didn't take any. I'm kind of against medication when it can be avoided. Actually, this dislike/fear of doctors and medicine has been in my family for a while. I recently found out that my great grandmother basically died because she refused to go to the doctor after chronic severe stomach problems, and then her spleen or something ruptured. (OK, that was a tangent, and it didn't really help my case at all.) Really though, I think my immune system is better because it actually gets to work out. Maybe my bizarre behavior yesterday was just my own immune system secreting something resembling medication that made me feel/act so weird.

I just literally didn't feel like doing anything, but it wasn't just slough because I didn't want to do nothing but I didn't want to do anything. (you might have to read that sentence a few times, but it really does make sense. I promise.) I didn't even want to sleep. That's how weird it was. I just literally didn't want to even be. and it wasn't even because I felt crappy because I really didn't. I know this emotion is hardly warranted when my life is compared to that of others. I know this.

Then later on I was especially hyper even though I had not taken in any caffeine. It was like my body just forgot to secrete some hormone and then put out a whole lot of it at once to make up for it. Looking back on it makes me wonder if that is what it is like to be depressed... if depression is some sort of hormonal imbalance. It makes sense. That is so crazy though. I don't know if it's worse to not feel anything or to feel too much--like too much lonliness or sadness or heartbreak or helplessness. There must be different types of depression that are really almost opposites if you think about it. Really though, is it better to not feel at all or to feel awful inside? sometimes I wonder.

I'm home

So right when I crossed the border into South Carolina, I looked around and suddenly the cars I thought were around me the whole time all had South CArolina liscense plates on them. How and when does the switch take place? I could have sworn they were all NC plates thirty seconds earlier.

Going job searching tomorrow. Wish me luck.

I hate cell phones except when I'm talking to you

I don't know why,
but something in your voice changed that night.
You had never sounded harsh at all,
but the night you brought me out of my dreams
your voice was soft and gentle.
Was it something in you that changed that night
or something in me?
or did it only seem different because I had just awakened?
...
Although we're in different places
somehow we're connected by a wire
that spans across the continent.
It is this thin string that ties us together.
I can hear you breathing,
but I can't touch you.
Maybe it's safer that way.
...
I told you once that thinking about you
made me want to write poetry,
so here it is.
There is no rhyme and no rythm--
only my emotions conveyed through these words.

some disconnected thoughts:

Drama (no, I'm not talking about a genre of WB shows or a theatre production)... sometimes I can't decide if I enjoy it or I despise it. Right now I'm leaning more towards the latter. Sure drama can make things interesting, but it can also interupt a peaceful, go-with-the-flow mindset.

On a completely different note...
Me and four of my housemates went camping this weekend in "Waynesville, NC." I'm not exactly sure why I put that in quotes... read into it what you want. So when we showed up at the first site, it was full, so we were sort of disgruntled if you will and nervous that we had driven for about 3 hours for nothing. Enter Cassidy's Dad who was kind enough to find us a place at some other location--Hemp Farms--I think it was called. Yeah, so we set up the tent by the light of Kasee's headlights and gathered sticks and stuff for the campfire. Yes, we had a campfire, and there were s'mores involved (as well as veggie burgers on sticks). Too bad we didn't sleep on grass or even dirt--no, we slept on gravel, and gravel sucks. Gravel is not even outdoorsy. Other than that, it was nice. We barely saw anyone else there at all, and the view was pretty nice. So yeah, we had a grand old time, and I even got in some spooning... or as I like to call it: spooning for survival because it was a bit chilly. So yeah, then we hung out in Asheville for a while which was really nice. I really do want to live in Asheville at some point in my life. (like when I get out of Wake.) I have found that the mountains are quite enjoyable--a nice contrast to all that beach time. (Not that I'm complaining about the beach of course).

So my car wouldn't start on Saturday night, and for that reason I had to pay $79 today to get it fixed which sucks a lot. On a more positive note: It could have been a lot worse--my car could have chosen to stop working while I was alone at a concert in Charlotte or Asheville or something, so for that I am definately thankful.

So I signed up for this thing called Audioscrobbler which keeps track of the songs you play through i-tunes, and connects you to people that have a similar music taste, so that's pretty sweet. My page is here in case you want to see what I've been playing lately. I only just figured out how to use it, so despite what it says, it has not been up since September.

another brief scene from a dream...

I just dreamed that I went home, and my dad somehow managed to grow out his hair--it was longer than mine, and he wore it in a ponytail down his back. It was weird because it wasn't gray. There was also some random baby living at my house that resembled this girl I was friends with in CT when I was about 5.

Then yesterday night my dream took place in my friend Liz's old house (that she hasn't lived in since 7th grade).

I was reading some Keats poetry last night before I went to bed--"The Eve of St. Agnes"--apparently there's this tradition or something that if you do certain rituals on the eve of st. agnes and you are a virgin, you will dream about your husband. Interesting concept. I think I have dreamed about my future husband before, but I could never make out his face.

sigh.

I want so much to be an artsy person--someone who has deep discussions about passages from great books in front of a fireplace to people wearing sweater vests and chords, but I'm afraid that I just am not capable of such things. I want to be intellectual... maybe that's the problem--I want to be intellectual, so I'm not. It just sucks--I don't want to fit in with the general Wake Forest crowd, but I look the same--I have rainbows and a freaking north face backpack! I think much of my frustration comes from my recent grade in English. I like English so much, but I just suck at it. I have these good ideas, but I can't ever incorporate them properly into an argument. How can I be thinking about grading English papers if I can't even write them, myself? I don't know.

This year has been better in general so far... don't get me wrong. It's just that I have a lot of the same frustrations: I don't know what to major in or what I'm good at, I'm having the same issues with boys, and I'm not fostering my personal relationship with God nearly as much as I should. I feel like a big faker going to church every Sunday. I just don't know.

eh... oh well

Well I would have been on WakeRadio today, if we could have figured out how to turn off the pre-recorded show. ooops... I guess that intern thing didn't prepare me too well. We gave up and left... it was sad really. Well, better luck next week. Just so you know, in the future I should be on on Thursdays from 3-5 PM. (http://radio.wfu.edu/)

Yeah, so I love the house that I'm living in by the way. It's a great environment to live in... ha...ha. I am not the only vegetarian here, so that is sweet.

Tonight I am going to President Hatch's house, so that'll be interesting I guess. I almost hope he doesn't have a veggie alternative just so I can make a point about how there aren't the veggie options on campus really either.

So even though many may call them "sell outs" or whatever, I saw Coldplay last Friday night. Before you look down upon me or judge me, just know that I was actually volunteering there in the name of Fair Trade. I got 98 people to sign a petition and talked to really cool people besides, so that was exciting. I loved it because it gave me a chance to talk to random people that I just normally wouldn't have. (Also let it be known, that Coldplay has some pretty sweet stuff out... the lyrics to many of their songs are great... and I really enjoy Chris Martin. I didn't enjoy the fact that the show was pretty well... showy with the lights and everything. But Gwenyth Paltrow is pretty lucky... an amazing poet for a husband. I hope Chris serenades her regularly.)

Jump, Little Children tomorrow night at Ziggy's. =)

a dream

I meant to post this yesterday, but oh well. My last night at home I had this (short) dream:

I walked into Johnson toward my room, and all of my friends from high school were sitting on the ground outside of my door. I continued to walk toward them and toward A103 (my old room), but then I said, "Wait... but I don't live here anymore." and the dream ended--sort of like a fade out, and I woke up.

last night in my bed until Thanksgiving

Well my room is pretty much empty again. The cars are packed, the gas tanks full, breakfast waiting (already made) in the fridge, i-tunes mix entitled "sophomore year begins" made, and everyone safely in bed. In just a few short hours I will embark upon my life as a sophomore in college. wow. No longer will I be that scared freshman for whom everything is new. I will not get lost on campus (well maybe still in Tribble), I will be one of those annoying people who runs over to hug her friends, I know more of what to expect, and I don't have to take a stinkin' math course. (For the first time in years I will not even need my fancy TI 83 which I have bestowed upon my brother. cheers.)

I'm going to be living in a house! wow! Tomorrow night will set the tone for the rest of the year that I will spend with the other nine people (except for Joan, my roommate, who is arriving a bit later). I'm nervous, excited, and anxious at the same time. I really hope I will be able to sleep tonight. Last night I already did not sleep too well due to my (poor) choice to watch a special on serial killers right before bed. (I couldn't help myself, the whole idea is just so fascinating. I knew before I set out to watch it that I would have trouble sleeping, but that didn't stop myself from turning on the TV. On that note, I will not have a TV in my room this year. Joan said she doesn't need one, so I decided I would also try to live without one. I think this will be good. And, hey, I could watch Gilmore Girls with Courtney or someone on the way back from Presby, and it will even be like a special bonding time. I have to admit that it will be sort of sad living away from Carol. By the end of the year we really just clicked, and I have only known Wake with Carol as my roommate up until this point. I am of couse excited about roomming with Joan, however, and hope that I will still see Carol and her crazy coats around.

Alright, here goes nothing. I will try to jump right into my sophomore year and not look back at what "could have been."

when does the day end and tomorrow become today?

Sometimes I want to go to bed, and I know I should, but I have this feeling that I’m forgetting to do something or that I just haven’t really felt like I’m ready for the day to conclude. It’s almost like I need to do something meaningful before I go to sleep. This is a feeling I get before I turn off the lights usually—it’s not like I have trouble actually sleeping… just turning off the lights when I haven’t really done anything productive for hours. This feeling is rare at school because I usually go to sleep following completing my homework or after a visit to Waffle House or after a good discussion with someone. All of these things have a definite end, but sitting here in my room doing random things on the computer or reading or packing… well those things could keep going for a while longer. They have no definitive ending. I guess that’s my problem. I feel like the day is simply not over—like I’m closing a book in the middle of a sentence or something. Or perhaps this is just a God thing telling me that I should pray or read the Bible before bed. I don’t really know.

what the heck?

4 comments on the last blog... and right after I changed the settings to let "annonymous people" leave comments. Interesting that they seemed very random (well the annonymous ones anyway)... almost like they were trying to use me to advertise. sad. I will conduct an experiment to see if it happens again, and then I may have to change the settings. I don't think they even read my blog because the last entry wasn't at all insightful, and they put stuff like, "hey, great blog!" Also, what's with that second comment about spelling and the i-pod? That was pretty funny.

Back at home

Yeah. So I got home Monday night. Since then I've basically just been sitting around and reading and avoiding cleaning my room. You see, I still haven't unpacked from school from when I got back in May. If you could see the floor of my room, you would think that some sort of disaster must have occurred within, but you would be wrong. I've just been ridiculously lazy pretty much. I mean I want to pack, I just don't want to unpack. Another one of my problems is that I just don't want to throw away stuff. Even if it seems it's totally pointless to keep stuff, I just have a hard time letting go I guess. (That kind of goes along with my love for photo collages, Andrew. so many memories can be found just by looking at a movie ticket stub or something like that.)

I went to the dentist today. Always an experience at the dentist. I both love and hate it. I absolutely love the clean feeling afterwards, but I hate actually being in that chair. You really have no control at all. Today the lady who was working on me had the hic-ups. You can only imagine the pain this caused me.

I am excited about getting back to Wake. I have actually recently had some dreams that included Wake people (had a dream about Ben last night, and I honestly don't really remember anything about it). I'm excited about getting to know the people in the house for sure. I'm also excited about going to see shows with people. Can't wait to get back in touch with Sarah (Dunham), and I'll definately miss Alex.

I've been waking up stinking early lately, and I can only guess that it is because I have been going to bed by 10:30 every night. Man, I have no life. Well, I'd better wrap this up. It's getting close to bed time.

death

This morning I saw a dead, beached dolphin on the beach. I was so shocked, I couldn't even cry it was so sad. (The worst part was that I saw another dolphin swimming just off the beach as if it were looking for it's friend.) I also saw a really pretty dead butterfly on the ground in addition to a dead skink. What the heck is that all supposed to mean?

kids

(I wish I could post some stinkin' pictures to make this more interesting, but I am not on my personal computer now. I will work on that later at some point.)

I come to these random revelations or decisions quite often now for some reason. Today I decided that I wanted to name my son "Jack." No, I mean I'm obviously not planning on having kids in the near future, so I don't know why this came to me, but there it is. My dad's name is Jack, and it used to be that I didn't really like that whole naming your kid after some family member thing, but I do kind of like it now. I'm still not down with the giving him the dad's name, but grandfather? why not? My dad's pretty amazing, and I think that it's really funny to give kids sort of old people names. (I also like Frank and Max).

Wow, that was kind of a strange topic to share with people. Oh well.

Kids can be so funny. We have the little ones here this week--2nd, 3rd, and 4th graders. After breakfast this morning, one kid just goes bolting out of the dining hall and yells, "YESSSSS! FREEDOM!!!" Another kid asked if I would pass her the "sustinance" at dinner, and claimed that she always calls rolls that.

My one-piece tan line is out of control. seriously, you will laugh.

The other day I sat out in the rain on the dock and thought about life for a long time. It's funny... I brought out my i-pod, a journal, and a book, but I ended up just sitting there and thinking and praying. I'm really trying to figure out what God's will is for my life. This is not easy to do. Preachers always say that we are supposed to do God's will, but they don't mention how we're supposed to know what the heck that is. They say they were called to do this or that, but how do they really know? I don't know. I've been struggling with this for a while. I have the tendency to look for "signs" everywhere because I think they might be from God. I just don't know.

This is it... this is my last week out at camp. I go home probably next Tuesday. No more docks to sit on, no more beaches to run on, no more crazy mating squirrels, no more cheesecake, no more singing songs with kids right before bed, no more trips to Newton Farms, etc. I'm going to be soooo bored during that time before school starts back up. I'm ready to go back soon.

Yeah, I'm sorry... I really didn't have anything to write about. I just did it for Betsy's entertainment.